Tuesday, August 11, 2009

the lost blog entries. #1

so, remember i said i erased everything in a paranoid frenzy? well here it is, again. just because.

1. SUNDAY, MAY 24, 2009

a bit of backstory.
i'm broke. i know everyone is broke, that this economic climate isn't something that's happening to me PERSONALLY, but still: it sucks. i had a job that i don't want to talk about here because i don't want to give away too much about my identity. but anyway, the job was someplace i worked for 7 years, under the table, and it was not something you could put on your resume. it was great and i loved it. but some things happened and i stopped making money there and then i moved away for a while and now i'm back and anyway: now i'm broke. as in: NO MONEY. i had to borrow money to pay my rent last month. my credit card is maxed out. i don't have even one dollar in the bank.

i'm so broke that i don't even have money for things like conditioner. my hair has lost its lustre. i have been drinking my coffee, a beverage i usually relish as a vehicle for honey and soymilk, BLACK. when people call and want to hang out and re-connect with me since i've been gone for 8 months, i have to pretend to be busy because i don't want them to know i can't even afford a taco or cup of coffee. and i've been washing my face with regular soap! using body lotion on my face! and, the horror, PAINTING MY OWN FINGER- and TOENAILS!!!

the obvious thing to do would be to GET A JOB, right? so i made a fictitious resume and brought it to a bunch of bars and restaurants, hoping to land a bartending or waitressing job. no calls. i've been trawling craigslist and have gotten a few little things, a focus group here, a one-day babysitting job there. but i needed a job where i can earn some CASH. so i answered an ad that said something like, "seeking serious, money-minded girls 4 massage."

i have a bit of experience with "massage." last year i moved to a faraway state and things went well for a while. i was getting a bunch of modeling gigs and random other gigs and for a couple of months things felt great. and then all of a sudden everything just stopped. i burned through my tiny amount of savings and was suddenly penniless. a friend of mine was going out of town just then and she had this sugardaddy she didn't want to lose. so she made up this whole story wherein i was her sexy cousin, in town for a few months, and would he mind showing me around and taking care of me while she was away? this was perfect for her because i promised to give him back when she returned, and this way he wouldn't just finding a totally new girl. it was good for me because i had no other plan for cash. and it was good for him because he was OBSESSED with her and liked to make her happy, and she convinced him that taking care of her sexy cousin would make her
very happy. plus, he had "needs."

so. i was supposed to call him on a certain day, and i did, and we made plans for me to go over there the next day. i remember the first time i went to his house. he answered the door and was a lot less unattractive than she had prepared me for. don't get me wrong--he was not, by any stretch of the imagination, "cute," but he was a lot less gross than she had made him out to be. so, that was a relief. he made me a cup of tea and we sat on the couch in his living room. he asked me lots of questions, and then after a while, i did as my friend had suggested and switched into "sexy vamp" mode. this guy was big on feet and stockings so i had worn fancy stilettos and nude fishnet thigh-highs with black seams up the back. (i hadn't had any money for a cab, so i wore boots on the subway and then changed into my heels around the corner from his apartment, a nice little trick except that you have to be sure to bring a purse big enough to cram the boots into.) i
said, "wow, my feet are achy. would you mind rubbing them a bit?" and then, you know, i oohed and ahhed and he undid my garters and took off my stockings and swished his big meaty tongue in between my toes, etc. i remember i had to try really hard not to look grossed out. at one point, he had almost my entire foot in his mouth, and i remember supressing a gag.

after a while, he suggested we retire to his bedroom. i told him to go get comfortable, that i needed to use the bathroom. i peed and then purposely didn't look at myself in the mirror as i washed my hands. i didn't know what i was afraid i'd see, but it seemed a good idea not to look. on my way from the bathroom to his bedroom, however, i accidentally caught a glimpse of myself his hallway mirror. what i saw was a tiny, perfectly made-up girl in lacy underwear walking purposefully into a bedroom to lie down with a guy for money. i read a quote once about being careful who you pretend to be, because that's who you WILL be. (i wish i could remember who wrote that.) anyway, i had felt sort of like i was just pretending to be engaging in sexual favors for cash, that i was dressed in costume as a "hooker." but it occurred to me as i passed by that mirror that "this is what a hooker looks like."

as i walked into his bedroom in my little lacy outfit, i paused for a second in the doorway. i had the feeling that i was crossing over into someplace new, and i felt a bit nervous and reluctant about it, but i also felt excited to get it over with. i'd known for YEARS that i could make a lot of money as a hooker. i'm a lesbian, but guys fawn all over me. i'm tiny and fit and pretty. when i was a stripper i was CONSTANTLY being propositioned by guys. if i'm ever wanting to get drunk, i can go into any bar and guys will buy me cocktails. i'm not bragging here because trust me, i know this isn't anything spectacular to brag about, but i'm just telling you: i've known that i could make money from guys but haven't wanted to do it, and yet have had it in my mind as a back-up plan for quite some time. here was my chance to see if i could do it.

this chubby, hairy man beckoning me from his bed wasn't very alluring, but the fact that rolling around with him for an hour would make it so that the next day i could pay my phone bill, get a metrocard, and put some groceries in my lonely fridge certainly was. i had been feeling backed into a terrible financial corner and here was a chance to get out of it a bit. plus here he was, all sprawled out on his giant bed, staring at me lasciviously and motioning for me to join him. i felt like the easiest thing to do would be to just climb up on that giant bed with that giant man and get it over with.

so i did. i laid in bed with him, sat on his face, let him suck on my toes, tortured his nipples at length, jerked him off. he wanted me to do "full service," but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. (btw, i think to a lot of people hooking means insertion of a penis into your vag or anus, and maybe i'm using the word "hooker" too liberally and it's not mine to use. but getting into bed naked with a man and rubbing myself all over him and talking all kinds of filth and making all kinds of noises and jerking him off feels hooker-y to me. so if you don't like it quit reading.)

anyway, jerking him off was gross at first. his flacid penis with its dry, reptilian skin and giant ball sac looked like a crusty tortoise to me. and then when his dick would get hard, it was like the turtle was coming out of its shell. eventually i convinced him that i fetishized black latex, so then i'd wear gloves when yanking on his turtle. something about not having to actually feel it with my actual hands made it considerably less gross. plus, he was a nice guy, albeit sort of condescending. and he was generous: $250 per date, which was often a nice dinner and then an hour of playtime. he didn't even make me talk sexy with him over dinner, he just wanted normal conversation and companionship. he liked being seen out in the world with a hot girl and i don't even think it occurred to him that people assumed i was his hired date. i didn't like the looks people sometimes gave me, like they knew what i was up to and found it to be distasteful, or like
they felt sorry for me for having sunk so low. but then i didn't let it bother me too much. i mean, i LIKE fancy food and drinks but it's not something i could afford to indulge in. i liked it that if i read about a restaurant and wanted someone to take me there, he would. and i liked making $250 for an hour's work.

we had a nice arrangement for a while. but after about five months on easy street, this man suddenly announced that he was abandoning the snow for his other home, which was several states away. he had somehow become my only income, so then i was broke again. i couldn't stand the cold anymore. i was lonesome and very homesick. i hated the dumpy house where i was living, and my subletter wanted to move out of my apartment so i came back to sunny california. penniless. that was a month ago. i was back home for a week or so, and then i answered the ad.

2. SUNDAY, MAY 31, 2009

shift one.
so. i think when i left off i was just about to start telling you about getting the job at the massage parlor. i came back from far away and was super broke. i answered a million, zillion ads on craigslist and ended up having an interview with this woman from the massage parlor where i now work. let's call her "gigi."

i met up with gigi at the coffeeshop downstairs from my house. she had initially suggested that we meet at this restaurant that only serves a hundred different varieties of french fries, but i thought that was weird and suggested coffee.

gigi was over an hour late to meet me. i would've just left, but she kept texting every five minutes to say she'd be there in five minutes. it was pretty annoying. but desperate that i was, i just kept sitting there reading mary carr's "the liar's club," and waiting. i wanted to drink cup after cup of coffee, but i only had enough money for one cup. i tried hard to make that one cup last till gigi arrived so i could sip on something during our interview, but how can you drink one cup of coffee for an hour?

when gigi finally arrived she was harried, irritable, and not even a tiny bit apologetic about keeping me waiting so long. she had a mess of papers that she was clutching to her chest and they were all getting wrinkled. if i had to guess, i'd say she was about fifty with high cheekbones and full lips. she looked like an aging movie star, actually. i don't want to go into too much description even though nobody's probably even reading this, so that's all i'll say about her appearance. she asked me some questions about my sex work background. i told her i had danced, seen some private massage clients, and worked briefly in a dungeon (which i will tell you more about later). she asked me what appealed to me about working in massage. i didn't say i actually thought i'd probably hate it but was so desperate i'd try almost anything. i think i told her something like i was tired of sex work where there wasn't any connection with the clients. she seemed pretty
woo-woo, so i told her i was interested in seeing if i had any talent at tantric massage. she liked me and offered me a job.

i went in for training a few days later with the other proprietress of the massage parlor, "jane." jane has a super sexy high voice and sounds hot on the phone, and then in person is a bit troll-like. super short with a strange little face. she, like gigi, wears hippie shoes.

there was another girl being trained that day. we'll call her lily. lily is tall and blonde with a bit of a fucked up grill. sweet, though, but bizarre. she's a loud mouth-breather and she sighs a lot. she kind of makes a lot of little noises, all the time.

anyway, jane had lily disrobe and lie down on the massage table. she demonstrated some massage techniques on her and then i copied them. she took the left side of lily's bod and i took the right. lily passed out about five minutes into her massage and began snoring loudly into the face cradle. now that i've gotten to know her, i realize that she was almost certainly drunk. jane found this to be annoying and kept waking her up, "lily. ...lily! how does that feel? how's the pressure?"

"oooh, it feels wonnerful," lily would slur. i liked her immediately.

then it was my turn on the table and i was looking forward to it because my body wound pretty tightly and i've got a lot of knots that could use some attention. but my massage was a bust. lily kept yawning super loud. and then came down with a case of extreme hiccups, which she didn't bother trying to quell with water. instead she just kept letting them sneak up on her and saying, "oop," as if each hiccup was a unique surprise. it was the opposite of relaxing. and by that i mean that it was rattling. plus her touch was jerky and inconsistent. i was glad when it was done.

my first actual shift was scheduled for a few days later. i dreaded it. i hate being new. i don't like men. i felt super bummy that i was having to do this, but mostly i was dreading it because i haven't been having sex at all lately and it seemed really tragic and fucked-up to me that the first sex i was gonna have in months and months was gonna be for money.

there was a girl i was hanging out with a little and it seemed like things were going well until a couple nights before my first shift, when she invited me over really late at night for what seemed to me like it was gonna be a booty call. i got there and and we made out a bunch, but then she went on this whole thing about how she feels confused, blah blah blah, we're good friends and she doesn't want to ruin it, etc etc. i was like, "what's confusing you? are you attracted to me?" she said she was. "well, what's confusing about that? let's get it on." she said she wasn't sure it was a good idea. it was pretty annoying and also a bummer because she lives in a super sketchy neighborhood out in an industrial area where most taxi's refuse to venture. i had gotten a ride out there in the first place, and now it was 4 in the morning and i was stuck there till morning. sleeping next to someone who doesn't want to have sex with you is THE worst. and it's
something that's happened to me a lot in my life. i'm not going to let this happen again with anyone, it's SO STUPID!!! so bad for my self-esteem and sexual prowess.

after that, i felt even more sad and dejected when i went in for my first shift. the shifts there start at ten AM, which is really annoying. jane was there to train me and there was another new girl who i'll call sarah. jane created profiles for sarah and me and posted them on a sex services website. while we waited for to people to start calling, she sat us in front of the tv to watch videos on how to give a good handjob. i started feeling sick. like, "am i going to be able to DO this?"

sarah was also looking kind of nervous. after the video, she suddenly popped up and said she needed to go get something to eat. she left and didn't come back for a really long time. like three hours or something. i figured she must have decided to quit before she started, but then i noticed that she had left her laptop bag sitting next to the floppy, uncomfortable couch. (this couch is such a piece of shit! it's the middle part of a sectional sofa set, so it doesn't have any arm rests. and it's two little pieces shoved together, but they come apart all the time and then there's a gap. i hate it).

jane was freaking out, "where is she? where IS SHE?" she called sarah no less than twelve times during those three hours. when sarah finally came back, she didn't really have any explanation for her disappearance, except that she had run into someone she knew while on her food run. i expected jane to fire her on the spot, but jane just said, "well. don't let it happen again." i sort of suspect that if sarah wasn't so super-pretty, she would probably have been fired.

the phone rang a few times and i had an appointment at three and sarah had one at four. jane showed us how to set up the rooms, how to work the boom boxes (duh), how to warm up the coconut massage oil in hot water that you warm up in this one particular mug in the microwave. she insisted that we each carry a notebook and stressed the importance of writing down and remembering every single minute detail of everything she was showing us. when it came to writing down how to turn on the boom box, i just wrote some squiggles. my mantra for the day started to become, "fuck you, lady."

before our appointments, jane had sarah and i try on our sexy outfits for her approval. mine was deemed "perfect." sarah's scraggly little teddy was pronounced unfit for work. jane took her upstairs and rifled through a girl's bag who had quit (presumably in a huff, but who knows). sarah came back downstairs looking rather demoralized in a crappy little crushed velvet dress that was two sizes too big for her and gave her the waifish exploited look of a pubescent hooker. also jane had said sarah's lipstick was too light, and had put some gross maroon lipstick on her, which really didn't go with her brown sugar skin at all. she'd looked so much prettier in her own peachy-pink gloss.

so then we sat a while longer on the weird lumpy couch and waited for our appointments. when mine came my heart was in my throat. i felt really bummy that this is what things had come to. i went to the door to let my guy in (that's what we say there--"my guy" as in, "i'm gonna go let my guy in." "is your guy still here?" "my guy smelled like ass." etc.).

when i peeped through the peephole, i was surprised to see a young, good-looking guy. i opened the door and led him into the massage room, feeling super relieved that my first client wasn't gross and was, instead, a bit of a fox. he was medium-height with a full head of dark wavy hair. kind of an indie-rock guy, with cute fashion and a handsome face. i collected my donation and went to turn on the shower for him. i went downstairs and put the money away. when i came back he was done showering and had laid down on the table, face down with his face in the face-cradle.

i tried to replicate the massage jane had shown me. my guy seemed to be into it. he was very quiet but every now and then he'd say ooh or aah. i didn't dislike massaging him at all. his skin was nice and his body was perfectly toned. i timed it out so that i spent about forty minutes on his backside, and left twenty minutes for the other side. that way, even if he came fast we'd have used more than half of the hour and he wouldn't feel ripped off. before i turned him over, i climbed up on the table and sat lightly on his ass while i massaged his shoulders a bit more. i asked him if he liked feeling my pussy against his ass. he said he did like it. i kind of writhed against him a bit so he'd be hard when i turned him over. i didn't want to have to start from scratch with a floppy dick. so then i turned him over and tried out some of the strokes from the tantric handjob video. they worked like a charm and after a bit he came. i was grossed out to have cum
all over my hand, but i told myself to get used to it. i scrubbed the hell out of my hands while he took a quick shower and then walked him out, thinking, "that wasn't so bad."

i did my chores, cleaned the bathtub, took out the trash, all the while jane was micro-managing me To The Extreme. and finally i got to leave with a hundred and ten bucks (it's 180 per dude and the house keeps 70. i feel like it's a pretty fair split). i was stoked to have some money in my pocket and relieved that that first client was done with. i felt optimistic about maybe starting to not be so broke.

3. MONDAY, JUNE 1, 2009

rainy days and mondays always get me down
hi there. here i am at work. it's dreadfully slow. my phone has only rang once all day and it was somebody wanting a brown shower. no way, man, there are some things i just won't do. not to mention that i deal with my bathroom business in the morning and then the shop's closed for the rest of the day, if you get my drift. and by that i mean that i only "drop the kids off at the pool" once per day. once in a great while it might be two trips, but hardly ever. hmm... what other humorous euphamisms can i think of for going #2?

speaking of euphamisms, i was at this event the other night and someone asked me what i do for a living. i didn't know what to say, so i said, "oh this and that." which just sounds totally fishy. a friend of mine was standing with me and when the weirded out person walked away, she said, "just say you teach english." i guess that's an age-old euphamism for saying you're a sex worker. i had no idea, but it's a term i shall employ next time.

i also learned this weekend that "friends of dorothy" means you're a lesbian! i can't believe i didn't know that already.

yeah. so. it's monday. and i'm short on my rent, which is due TODAY. luckily there's a three-day grace period. but nonetheless, i really need my phone to start ringing off the hook.

last week i was working on a slow day and a co-worker of mine offered me some garlicky hummus. i was hungry, but i thought it would be a terrible idea to eat hummus (which my sister calls "fart paste") because then i'd have garlic breath and, most likely, gas. so i said no thanks. well then i sat here for another hour or so and the hummus was beckoning me from the fridge so i thought, "oh what the hell," and heaped a bit atop a ricecake. i was delicious and no sooner had my stomach began to gurgle from it than my phone started ringing and didn't stop all day. i ended up making almost five hundred bucks that day.

so maybe eating garlicky hummus while waiting for customers at a house of ill repute is like lighting up a smoke while waiting for the bus.

oh jeez. come on, ring!

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