tiny grouchy loser.

the other day i saw a guy who was such a jerk. a little asian guy with a big attitude. he was super condescending and annoying from the moment he walked in the door. i gave him an ice-breaking hug and he was stiff as a board. i led him into the massage room and he said, "you look a lot different from your pictures." 

i said, "really? they were taken just over a month ago."

"yes," he said, his voice dripping with disgruntlement. "you look MUCH different in person."

not wanting to encourage this line of conversation, i said, "oh. well okay honey. so if you just want to take care of the business, i'll get your shower running."

"you really looked a lot tanner in your pictures," he called after me as i went into the bathroom.

"well, it was sunnier then i guess," i said. "but i'm the same cute girl from the pictures and we're going to have a good time. sound good?"

"oh well yeah, i mean i was just saying..." he fished out some bills and went to shower.

i went into the living room where a couple of my co-workers were hanging out. i said, "i look MUCH DIFFERENT than my pictures, you guys. i photograph well but am clearly a total dog." my co-workers all rolled their eyes and laughed. we're each others' fan clubs which feels nice.

i took my time getting back to the room, hoping my client would just have his face in the cradle when i returned so i could give him his massage with as little talking as possible.

OF COURSE he was one of those guys who "can't breathe" in the face cradle. so he kept his grouchy little mug out and eyeballed me in the mirror the whole time i was massaging him. he didn't talk much, though, and i appreciated that.

he really seemed to dislike me from the start, so i wondered whether he'd be able to get it up for the jerk off portion of the massage. 

he did get a boner. one that WOULD NOT QUIT. he just refused to come for such a long time! i started to hate him. and he kept trying to manhandle me. i'm usually totally okay with guys touching me, grabbing my ass, etc. but that's because they are nice guys who are happy to be interacting. i didn't want this jerk touching me at all. which, of course, made it take longer for him to come. YUCK.

finally i said, "i'm ready for you to come now." so he did and i put him back in the shower. i went back out to the living room. "what a jerk," i said. "i'm so glad that's done."

when i went back to let the guy out, he had his iphone in his hand. he has an app on it that tells him what anybody's real name is, even if they've taken their name off of their account (as i have done). he said, "so your REAL name is ---, huh? i like that name a lot." 

i said, "wow aren't you clever. time to go. goodbye," and ushered him out the door.

he seemed surprised that i wasn't super rattled by his creepy stalker move. fucking fuck him.

now i'm on vacation!