lesbian winter

the last week of working is sort of a blur. i just worked pretty much every day because i was leaving to come up here to the town where i'm from. i saw lots of my regular clients and that was nice. but mostly the week was just a blur of constant working. the things i remember:

-one of my regulars came to see me and i decided it would be our last time together. in fact, last time he came to see i decided it was the last time, but then he called the other day and sounded excited to see me, and i thought "maybe he won't be such a bummer this time." but then he was SUCH a bummer. his wife just had a baby and is suffering from post-partum depression, she never wants to put out, etc etc. the way he was complaining about her and talking about her like she was the world's most annoying person made it hard to like him. at all. even when i don't like guys, i try to find something about them that's nice. but this guy just seemed totally bankrupt in terms of likability which, as you can imagine, just made it a total gross bummer to jerk him off.

-i worked one night with rudy. that was cute. she is just such an intensely adorable little tiny wide-eyed person. whenever i talk with her i have to be careful not to use euphamisms or ironical exaggerations because she takes everything VERY literally, and then you have to explain to her what you meant. and it's just kind of confusing and painstaking. but as long as you only say exactly what you mean she's just very delightful. i liked her from the moment i met her, but what really endeared me to her was when i accidentally walked in on her in the bathroom at the exact moment that she held up her pregnancy test wand to find a negative reading. the look of pure elation on her face was so priceless and sweet. i just felt like, "I LIKE YOU!"

what else...

well anyway now i'm up north in my hometown. i went to a party last night, it was a bunch of lesbian separatists. this girl was telling me about a book she'd found, it was all lesbian separatist anthems. she started singing some of the songs and everyone got excited. one of the lyrics i remember was "and let no peeee-nis come betweeeeeen-us." i am, myself, a lesbian. but i was finding it hard to relate. i didn't want to talk to anyone too in-depth or tell them details about what i've been up to. i'm certainly not ashamed of my work, but i find that when i talk to lezzies sometimes there's this implicit manhate that lurks in the corners of our conversations. like they don't ask, but instead kind of assume that i am able to do this work because i hate men so much and love taking their money. the fact is that i don't hate men. i don't want to date them, but i do genuinely like some of the men i see.

oh whatever. it's not like men need me to defend them, or like i even want to. but i am having a hard time relating up here so far. it's only been a day. i'll give it time. i'm gonna be up here all winter. LESBIAN WINTER.