tired tuesday

i like the place where i'm living except that my bedroom is right next to the kitchen, and sometimes one of my housemates has an 8am class, so he gets up at 6 and makes all kinds of noise, fries bacon, clinks his spoon a lot in his cereal bowl. washes his dishes, goes up and down the stairs, finally leaves. always forgets something and comes back in and then leaves again with a bang. sometimes i can sleep through it, but other times it wakes me up and then i just CAN NOT get back to sleep because the little sounds just never end. so. this morning i was awake from 6-8 and i was SO grouchy and irritated about it, especially because i hadn't been able to fall asleep in the first place till after 2am (i had planned to take one of my newly acquired xanax, but i worried about sleeping through my alarm. AS IF.). finally my housemate left for the day and i got back to sleep for half and hour and then had to drag myself out of bed for work.

it was a slow day, but i truly didn't mind because i was really tired. a guy came in who i remembered from my first day there. he was nice, bought 3 dances. and also the guy who tipped me $100 a few weeks ago came in today. but he just sat down, guzzled down a beer like he was trying to put out a fire, and then left. he didn't talk to anybody or even look at the stage. oh well.

a gaggle of baby-dykes came in and sat for two hours without tipping even one dollar. i hate that the stereotype about women being bad tippers (particularly when out in groups) is so often true. i didn't let it bother me, though. i was really so tired and mellow. i settled into a slowness that felt manageable and eventually i was off work. i had thought i wasn't making any money, but i guess i did have a few good customers and i ended up leaving with a little over $200.

i was working with that wacky girl again today, the one who brought the vintage kitchen implements last time. she's really cute, but has such an odd, stiff way of dancing. and she doesn't take her clothes all the way off. she always keeps at least a vintage garter belt on that is so thick, it's like a little skirt. i heard the owner complaining about it, i wondered whether i should say something to the girl. but ultimately it's not my business and i like working there too much to get involved in any gossip or politics.

mary's club is just a few blocks away from buffalo exchange. i had hauled some clothes with me to sell when i got off work. i made $75 in trade and i bought a super cute raincoat, but there wasn't anything else there that i wanted. i don't have very many cute clothes right now, AT ALL, but i just can't seem to find any and i feel uninspired to make them. oh, dear diary, i've been wearing jeans and a sweater almost every day, which is not me at all. i'm stuck in a frumpy lesbian costume from which i feel unable, at present, to emerge. i've all but given up on leaving the house looking foxy during the day. but i do still have a few hot night looks up my sleeve, thankfully.

i ate some tasteless mexican food and it was so bland and un-salty that when i was done with that, i bought a little bag of chips. i just really wanted to feel an explosion of flavor, even if it was crap. i walked to the bus stop and arrived just in time to see the bus whizzing past. so i sat down and munched my chips. i became disgusted with them but, having nothing better to do, continued popping them into my mouth.

a homeless man approached me and said, "is that beef jerky?

"no," i said. "it's chips. want them?"

"yes!" he exclaimed. he walked away and i had a tired delusional moment of wondering whether he had been real, or god.

finally the bus came and when i sat down in my seat the tiredness of having only 4 hours of sleep and then teetering around in stilettos all day totally caught up to me. i glared out the window, suddenly filled with rage that i don't know how to drive and am relegated to riding the bus, or as my brother likes to call it, "the welfare wagon." i felt sad as i thought about my ex-girlfriend trying to teach me how to drive, but our lessons coming to an abrupt end last month before i had any sort of mastery of the task. sometimes when i'm tired things just feel so sad and impossible. but i got home and drank a glass of wine, and things started to feel a bit less bleak. plus the two-hour LOST season premiere was tonight, and i've been looking forward to it like crazy. it was really good, by the way. REALLY REALLY GOOD.

and now: goodnight.