ho ho ho

well. i haven't written in a while because to tell you the truth, i'm fucking bored as hell. people are seeming less and less interesting to me. "annoyance" has taken up residence in the space usually marked "amusement." maybe it's the rain. and the short gray days and long, dark, glamourless nights. but i'm experiencing a level of discontent that is, frankly, frightening.

even my writing is boring. look, i just said, "to tell you the truth," and "frankly." oh jeez.

well. yesterday was christmas. i was going to go out to my family's party in beaverton, but my car was emitting some mysterious, strong smelling smoke. there seemed to be enough coolant and oil. i don't know what the problem is. my uncle's going to fix it on tuesday but as far as xmas was concerned, i was stuck in portland. i was going to catch a ride with my mom but my little brother woke up with the stomach flu so they weren't going. and my grandma would've come to get me but she can't drive in the dark so i would've had to spend the night. except i was working last night. and so.

i lit a fire in the fireplace and just hung around all day in my pj's reading. i bickered with my housemate for a minute and then things in the house felt really tense so i went out for a walk. i thought i was bundled up, but the icy wind cut right through my layers and then i was cold. also i was hungry. i wanted turkey! i got super bummed about missing the party and i had a nice long cry as i walked thru the quiet streets toward my house. laughter and yummy food smells wafted out from some houses and that only made me cry more. i have food scarcity issues from growing up so poor and when other people are eating and there's none for me, i'll always burst into tears. what a baby.

when i got home it was almost time to leave for work. my stomach was rumbling but i felt really stubborn about eating. like if i didn't get to have turkey, then i didn't want anything. i couldn't go to work with nothing in there, so i finally choked down a toaster waffle slathered in peanut butter, a treat i usually enjoy but yesterday it may as well have been cardboard.

i got to work and it was super dead. and i looked at next week's schedule, i'm only working monday MORNING and new year's day. not even one night shift. and there are a bunch of new girls scheduled for all the night shifts. pretty annoying. so then i was even MORE CRABBY.

but i went upstairs. danced a while and then this guy was motioning me over so i went to sit with him. he was a little developmentally delayed, he reminded me of corky on "life goes on." he was really sweet and seemed hell-bent on getting wasted. i don't mean to discriminate, but i just didn't feel right about hustling him for dances. i felt totally fine letting him buy me drinks, though. i had two drinks, one right after the other, and then i was drunk and i felt so much better.

there was a kid sitting on the other side of me at the bar who was doing a lot of bummed-out texting. turns out it was his 21st birthday and a bunch of his friends were supposed to be meeting him but not even one of them showed up! he'd already been at the club for FIVE HOURS. his phone died and he kept watching the door, everytime someone walked in he'd look up with hopeful little eyes. finally about an hour later, his MOM showed up. i was sitting with the kid when his mom walked in and the look on his face, of total relief at someone who loves him showing up to celebrate, brought a tear to my eye.

the mom was pretty young. at one point she told a story about being on a school trip to NYC for new year's eve 1980, and she was 15 at the time. which would make her... oh i guess she's 45. not as young as i thought. i did the math wrong last night and thought she was 35. haha. well, she looked really good. she had on a fancy red dress with good-looking cleavage, naturally blonde hair that would've looked great had it not been so frizzy, super pretty face, and a little patricia arquette tooth, which is always TOPS in my book. the mom and son were so sweet together. eventually the son was so drunk he really couldn't drink another drop so she took him home.

nobody else interesting. oh except for a couple who wasn't at all gross. they were in their late 40's, i'd say, and were extra ordinary looking but something about them was super charming and when i did a few dances for them i actually got a little turned on. if they made an xtube video, i'd totally watch it. i wish i could say the same for most of my couples customers but it's just not the case.

i liked the girls i was working with. we had a nice night together. i hardly did ANY dances, but still managed to make $300. i had thought it would be more, that people would be extra generous on christmas. i was wrong, but it could've been a lot worse.