dancin machine

i've been working a bunch since i came back from my trip to austin. it's not been terribly exciting, but i've had 4 good shifts and one bad one.

the bad one was last wednesday afternoon. it was extremely dead in the club, all day. i only gave ONE table dance, and the guy was such a hannibal lector. he didn't want me to dance, he just wanted to examine me, in detail. how much do you weigh, how tall are you, how big are your feet, what's your waist size, all that. i kept waiting for him to start calling me "clarice." he wanted me to continue "dancing" for him, and though i hardly EVER refuse someone a dance if they're not grabby, i was getting the creeped out feeling that he was measuring me for his freezer until he had time to make a tiny suit out of my skin, so i told him i needed to go to the bathroom. when i came out, he was gone. whew.

then i worked on saturday and it was fine. a dorky mormon dad-type took a shine to me and wanted lots of dances. he said something that kept me laughing all night because it was so weird. he goes, "wow andi. your pussy is so beautiful. truly perfect. when i look at it, it makes me want to hug it. with my mouth. may i?" haha. as if.

last night i worked and the club was empty when i walked in, and normally this would be a bummer, but i was feeling tired and bedraggled so i was almost relieved. i went downstairs and put on my makeup, and when i came back upstairs to start my shift, there were a bunch of people. mostly girls, though. oh brother. ready for a sweeping generalization? ok: girls are so annoying to dance for UNLESS THEY ARE DYKES. groups of straight girls aren't good tippers, they want to make comments to you, they think you care what they think about your body or your dancing skills, they want to hear lady gaga, it's their birthday, blah blah blah.

there was this one girl who was SUCH an annoying loudmouth. a group of good-looking guys came in and were sitting at my rack, tipping well and being fun in general. the girl had some jealousy issues she was working out or something because she felt the need to come over and try and commandeer the attention of these cute guys. she came over and stood behind them and was saying things like, "tip her more! she's so cute!" oh ye of the streaky blonde ponytail and green track jacket: sit the fuck down!

i put up with it, but then when i got back onstage a little later and she was doing it again, i told her i didn't need her help because the guys were tipping fine, and asked if she would please sit down and relax. people HATE IT when you ask them to relax. (i should know: i'm kind of high-strung sometimes and i fucking hate when someone tells me to relax!) so then she did sit down but she wasn't happy about it. she started bitching about me to her friends and then eventually they all left. good riddance.

then i danced some more. did some table dances. sat at the bar with a guy who was on vacation from sacramento. he was talking about how this was his chance to get away from his kids and grandkids and just let loose. he had dentures that seemed a little too big, and they were causing him to spit a lot when he talked. it was grossing me out so i guzzled the cocktail he bought for me and then jumped up, telling him he should celebrate his vacation with a double-lapdance. i grabbed my co-worker real quick while he was excited about the idea. we danced for him and he said he was in heaven, etc etc, and that he didn't want it to end. he joked that it was time to cash in the 401k to spend on strippers. "we're gonna have a good night, girls," he said. ALL TALK. after that ONE dance he went took an extended visit to the bathroom and then skedaddled out the side door. i went downstairs and washed his spit off my arm with some antibacterial soap, which i'm sure was unnecessary but made me feel fresh.

the night went on like that. big talkers, lots of girl customers, some lechy couples, and some cute guys too. it was an okay night anyway, though. not great, but fine. i got bored pretty late and hurt my arm on the pole. i woke up this morning in crazy arm pain. i'm babying it today and hoping it feels better soon because i'm going down south to work for a week and a half and i need this arm to be in good shape. i'm hoping to make a nice chunk of money so i can buy a car because i'm learning to drive! i even drove on the freeway for the first time yesterday.

actually, i did drive on the freeway once a long, long time ago. i had a stepdad who was teaching me to drive on this old beat-up yellow station wagon with no speedometer. he used to get mad at me when i made mistakes and scream at me or smack me. anyway once he took me up to the tippy top of this crazy bluff along the columbia river gorge, near corbett i think. the car's steering column pulled to the right, and off to the right of the road was a giant craggy cliff that seemed always too close. i wanted to pull over and let him drive, i was terrified and having an extended anxiety attack, but he wouldn't let me and also there wasn't any place to pull off. so after a million miles of steep narrow road and switchbacks, we finally got to the top of this cliff. beautiful view of the gorge, but really windy. i begged him to drive us home but he wouldn't. i said i was too scared to drive back down that road, and he directed me to an alternate route home but it ended up being I-84. i couldn't tell how fast everyone was going, i felt like i was driving way too fast and way too slow all at the same time. it was super scary. i was really mad that he was making me do this, we bickered, he smacked me. so then i was driving down the world's most windy freeway with no speedometer and hot angry tears impeding my vision. i swore off driving after that. but now i'm learning.

and so i've got to not do any pole tricks for a while and also lay off the homosexual arm sex because my arm needs to feel better so i can massage some menfolk next week and amass a lump sum of $$$ and get myself a cute little car! i want one of the new VW bugs. not a brand new one, but one from the 2000's. when they first came out i thought they were so ugly, but they've somehow grown on me and now i WANT ONE!!! i think i'd like it to be black or silver. or maybe even white!

okay that's it for now. xo