MDMA / T.C.B. / xoxo

today i drove to work for the very first time. i just got my drivers license a few weeks ago, for the first time in my life, and i bought a car from my uncle. when we talked about him selling it to me, it was at a family party. he made a big show of saying i was like a daughter to him so he was going to basically GIVE me the car for the cost of new tires and some paint. so i figured $300 or maybe $400 max. but then when i went to pick it up, he wanted $1200. i thought that being generous in front of everyone, and then changing the deal when it was just the two of us was kind of shitty. but i didn't know what to say, and i was already thinking of the car as MINE so i bought it anyway. it's annoying to me that everyone in the family is still gonna think that he did me this big favor, though, when actually $1200 for a 1990 honda civic with 290,000 miles on it isn't exactly a huge favor.

i do like the car, though. and i loved not taking the bus today.

work was fine. i made a little over $200, not amazing but totally decent especially given how slow it's been lately. i still owe my uncle $500 for the car, so i was hoping to make at least some of that tonight.

when i was getting off work, one of the girls from the next shift was in the dressing room putting on makeup. she was going on and on about how she'd just quit this other club because all the dancers and the bouncers would go to the owner's house and have big coked-out orgies at the end of the night. she's really young and kind of a goody-goody, and didn't like working somewhere where people treated her weirdly because she wasn't into the same shit as they were. fine, okay, but the funny part was that to end her story, she put one hand on her hip, and waved a hairbrush at me with her other hand and goes, "i mean, EXCUSE ME if i don't dabble in drugs and prostitution!"

then she went up on stage and another girl came in and started doing her makeup. she started telling me this long story about her boyfriend and how his friends don't like her blah blah, and how one of her boyfriend's friends came in the other night when he knew she'd be working, which is weird, and then tried to get her and this other dancer to go home with him and "party." she refused, and the other dancer went, and the friend offered the dancer MDMA and coke. my co-worker (the one telling the story) goes, "i mean, can you BELIEVE THAT?!" i go, "i wish I had been working that night, i would've loved some free MDMA. haha!" she didn't think that was very funny.

where did these puritanical strippers come from, anyway?

well this whole time that the girls were talking at me i was putting on my makeup, too, because i was going to the scissor sisters show across the street. i felt sad that i was going alone, i had bought two tickets thinking i'd bring someone cute but then i didn't. they were kind of expensive, too--$27. anyway i went to the show and i didn't realize it started so early, so i missed both opening acts and got there in time to see the second half of the scissor sisters set.

i'm feeling fragile and emotional lately and i ended up feeling super bummed out after a few songs. it was terrible to be friendless in such a huge crowd, watching a band i have seen with good friends. it's hard to be somewhere new after living somewhere else for ten years. i used to go out by myself all the time and i'd always run into people i liked. it's different here for me. going out alone really is going out and then being alone.

i used to gogo dance with ana matronic (the girl in scissor sisters) at a gay club a million years ago, and it felt a little pathetic to get off work at my little dive club and then cross the street and see her on a giant stage, really living her dream. i mean, good for her--absolutely--but i felt put in my place in this weird way. like, "get it together, girl!" dancing is fun, but i am really good at so many other things and i'm just being lazy.

i'm on a mission to stop being lazy. starting now. i'm going to finally make some friends in this town. and i'm going to make a whole bunch of new things. i'm going to write a lot. i'm going to get an additional job so i'm not broke. i'm going to TCB.