no porky piggin! NO FEATHER BOAS!

i'm a little bit tired of working saturday nights. the good thing is that you can make a lot of money on stage. but the bad thing is that you can often ONLY make money on stage, since people are in groups and don't end up getting very many lapdances. it's hard to hustle when every single chair is filled. and i don't like to just go sit on a guy's lap when his girlfriend is sitting right there. tuesdays or thursdays are so much better. lots of solo businessmen. i've gotta start working more during the week.

last night the girl i write about sometimes, the super uncouth one, was getting off-shift as i was coming on. i passed her on my way to the dressing room as she was sitting on some guy's lap wearing a red tank top, red feather boa, chunky platform boots, and no bottoms of any sort! not even a thong. i figured i was just seeing things. surely she wasn't actually splayed out all porky pig style (you know how he wears a shirt but no pants? eww) across some customer's lap.

a little while later she came into the dressing room to get her stuff. i was doing my makeup and looked over expecting to see that i had been mistaken and that she was, in fact, wearing bottoms. NOPE. i knew if i said anything she'd pull her innocent "i'm new here" crap, though it's been at least 6 months which actually makes her NOT NEW AT ALL. so i just kept my mouth shut.

then this other dancer who has been working at the club for a zillion years stormed into the dressing room and let her have it. "you are so lucky i didn't yell at you on the floor!" she yelled. "don't you EVER walk around like that while i'm on stage again!" etc etc. and the best part was when the girl was like, "i'm new, i didn't know," and the older dancer goes, "YOU ARE NOT NEW! GET WITH IT!!!"

hmm. so. the night was okay. mostly decent customers. hardly any lapdances. but two things really got me down: first, my whole body was ravaged on and off all night by the worst hiccups EVER. the kind that start way down in your diaphragm and just, like, take over. oddly, i will get these sometimes after indulging in even small amounts of anal sex. is there a correlation? sounds like a question for dan savage.

secondly, all night i was peeling little red feathers off of my sweaty ass. the next time i see UNCOUTH (which is how i shall hithertoforth refer to the not-new girl) i'm gonna go all joan crawford/mommie dearest on her ass and scream "NO! FEATHER! BOAS!" while beating her about the head and shoulders with the most scraggliest boa i can find. which is to say, her own feather boa.