Saturday, July 30, 2011

free money, and MEAT house.

i'm in NYC for a little bit, hanging out with friends and going to museums (mainly i came to see the alexander mcqueen exhibit at the met before it closes next week). also i'm working a bit.

this morning i woke up super late and put up an ad. i was out for coffee with a friend and i got a lot of calls, but it was all out-calls to faraway places and i just didn't feel like taking the train all day. i'm staying on the lower east side, and i decided if anybody called that wanted me to come over and they were nearby, or a few train stops away, i'd go see them but otherwise i'd just sunbathe on my friend's roof. no sooner had i announced my lazy plan to my friend, than i got a call from a guy who was only two blocks away.

so i took a shower and went over. when i got there, a model-looking guy was pulling up on a vespa. i climbed the stairs of the stoop, and the guy did, too. he said, "are you here for 4c?" i said yes. he looked at me really strangely, then said, "i have to go to the bank." but didn't move. i said okay, i'll wait here. i sat down on his stoop and watched him as he walked back down the stairs very, very slowly. he crossed the street, and then ambled down the sidewalk at a superhumanly slow pace and disappeared around the corner. and i felt like maybe i should just leave, that maybe these were my last moments before something bad happened. there had been something Not Right about this guy. i wondered whether i'd look back on this moment and wish i had listened to my gut and left. i decided to leave, but right when i was bent down to gather up my purse, the guy reappeared.

he said, "can you come in here with me?" and pointed to the door. i still felt like: LEAVE, DUMMY. but my feet followed the guy into his building's landing area. he goes, "i thought you'd be asian. in your pictures, that's how you i just give you $100 for coming all the way out here, and then you can go?"

STOKED! free money.

i was happy he didn't know i had only walked two blocks. i said, "sure. thanks."

hahahahahahaha!!!!!! i think this might be what they mean when they talk about "WINNING."

so then i just meandered about for a while. lunched at whole foods. worked out. got a bunch more calls from people who wanted a discount, or wanted me to send a bunch of pics, etc. then a call from a guy who sounded really really nice. he was in park slope, which sounded far until i looked up how to get there and realized it would only take me 17 minutes. so went to see him.

you really never do know what someone's going to look like AT ALL from how they sound on the phone. i mean, you can make guesses and sometimes you're right, but really you just don't know. a good example of this would be my friend libby, whose high pitched voice sounds like a blonde valley girl, but who is actually a chubby brunette bulldagger. another example would be my client today, who sounded kind of small and 80's movie nerdy, but was actually about 6 feet tall and very very large. bigger than my client last week, even.

the guy was super nice. he had his own playlist on his ipod and it was a lot of cheesy starbucks chick music. like natasha beddingfield, sara bareilles, regina spector. and then halfway through the massage, "the language or the kiss" came on by the indigo girls. then some more stuff, natalie merchant, etc. then as i was finishing the massage and he was coming, fucking "both hands" by ani difranco came on. it was rather bizarre. sweet, endearing, and bizarre to jack a guy off at the lilith fair.

his house smelled very meaty, by the way. the olfactory soundtrack: meat. when i was leaving, i really had to know what was up with that and i said, "are you cooking something?"

"wow you have a good nose," he said. "yeah, i'm cooking a pot roast."

i stifled a giggle. i mean, really the smell was VERY intense. you didn't need to have a good nose, it was heavy and savory and hanging in the air so thick you could taste it, and my hair actually still smells like meat.

then i got on the subway and met up with my sweetie and had BOMB-ASS thai food and now we're going to go have a fancy cocktail. more later! xo andi

Friday, July 22, 2011


besides dancing and massage, i have another job that keeps me busy sometimes so i've been traveling a bit doing that. i'm down south right now working on that stuff, and today i was off so i decided to work at the massage parlour. i had two clients. the first one was the biggest, largest client i've ever seen. 6'4'' and just, like, GIANT. if i had to guess, i'd say he weighed around 350lbs. he was really nice, but pushy. he insisted that i climb up on the massage table, on top of him. he was fine on the table by himself, they hold up to 400lbs, but when we were both on it, i worried a little that it might break. he offered me an extra $300 to eat my pussy. i said no. he said, "how about just 10 licks of it for $500?" that's a lot of money for ten licks of your pussy, and i may have said yes if his breath hadn't been bad. i'm just not interested in that.

my next client was a repeat client who is really nice, but who always smokes pot halfway through the session and then has a hard time coming. it's like carpal tunnel time, man. he also had bad breath. i must have pms because i'm really feeling sensitive to smells right now! other than that, though, he's an ideal client. clean. polite. good-looking.

then i took a shower and scrubbed my hands with toothpaste so they wouldn't smell like cum. i went and had a sushi feast. super delish!

xo andi

Monday, July 18, 2011

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


wow hi. i haven't written in a really long time!

i went down south. i didn't work. i just didn't feel like it. well, actually, i DID feel like it but when it was difficult to procure time in the massage parlour, i threw in the cum-covered towel right away and just said, "fuck it." instead, i tooled around town on my red bike. i lunched with friends. i ran out of money.

then i came back up to portland and got right to work but it's not been that interesting so i haven't written. allow me to share some highlights of the last week or so:

friday night. usual antics. decent cash.

saturday night. bachelor party all the way down in bend, four hours south of portland. this was a doozy for many reasons, but i don't want to write too much about it because it would involve a lot of complaining. but here's one thing: we had to go there AND BACK all in one night for reasons that were totally infuriating to me. the party itself was rad, though. the guys could not have been nicer.

let's see, then i worked the 4th of july. which SUCKED. BAD. it was beyond dead. just totally BEYOND. and the girls weren't fun to work with. it was the most random girls working. if i had at least had a buddy working i could have salvaged a bit of fun from the night, but as it was i had a bit of a dark night of the soul. that whole, "what am i doing with my life that i'm sitting around in a strip club WITH AN EMPTY PURSE on the 4th of july while all my friends are shooting off fireworks?" thing. i was so happy to finally get off work and come home, but i'm STILL experiencing a bit of FOMO all these days later. today, for example, i was stalking my girlfriend on facebook and saw that someone had proclaimed him "THE KING OF FIREWORKS."

xo andi

(p.s. i know my lover's gender pronouns are inconsistent in this blog, so you don't need to write comments telling me about it. i'm dating someone who's genderqueer and i don't like the sound of "boyfriend," but i also don't call him "she." we all get to do and say whatever we want in our blogs and our lives: what a lovely thing!)