Monday, January 31, 2011

boring boring boring boring boring boring

nothing interesting to report. everything's boring! last night i worked and it was dead as a doornail. un-ideal. the good part was drinking with my co-workers. i don't have many friends in this town, so i actually really look forward to chatting with the girls at work.

i've started to intensely dislike living here. i feel terribly lonesome. i'm dating someone really rad, but i miss having friends. i'm going to give it another little bit, but if i continue to feel this isolated and bummy, i'm not going to stay here. and then i'll write about another city, To Be Determined, and won't that be exciting?

oooohkay. goodnight.

Monday, January 24, 2011


i was going through old photos in a shoebox and here's one from when i first started dancing. i feel like my body looks almost the same as it did 9 years ago, which is kind of rad. except my tits are a tiny bit bigger now. as you can see
<------- they used to be as small as a boy's.

so. hmmm. what else can i tell you. i worked last night and it was pretty dead. i made $200 all night. could've been worse, sure, but it was still somewhat disappointing, especially since last sunday i made about triple that.

i liked the girls last night, though. that's always good.

a guy pissed me off really bad right when i got to work, which can sort of color things for the rest of the night, y0u know? i was chatting with him and he offered to buy me a drink. i told him i wanted a vanilla vodka and soda water. he was like, "what?! pick a real cocktail." i said, "well i didn't realize that if you were paying for it that meant you got to choose." he goes, "well now you know. what do you want. BESIDES that froofy shit?" i said, "thanks anyway."

in the words of stephanie tanner, "HOW RUUUUDE." not that i have to justify myself, here, but i'll go ahead and do it anyway: i like to start off with something sweet, it's a treat that says to me, "yes, you are at work. but work can be fun!" and it's not like i drink ten of those. i'm a two cocktail sort of girl, three MAX and that's if i'm getting wild. and anyway WHOOOO CARES? i can drink what i want. fuck off.

i don't think guys realize this, but often times when they are super rude in front of other people, it doesn't SHAME the stripper as they intended, but, rather, the opposite occurs wherein gentlemanly bystanders feel bad for the poor lil thing and end up lavishing her with cocktails and attention. and shaming the asshole dude. which is what happened last night. the guy felt uncomfortable after this other customer told him off so he ended up leaving. good riddance.

PETTY BULLSHIT. okay? and usually i wouldn't have cared but once in a while, when i have PMS, peoples' rudeness touches a nerve.

then i danced for a while for an old lecherous dude from dallas. he kept trying to kiss me, it was so gross. i don't even MIND random kisses here and there but not on my MOUTH. and also not on my arm. i've got this sweet little spot on my arm where i liked to be kissed during sex times, and this old creep sniffed that out right away. his plump wet sausagey lips on my arm just about gagged me. i wanted to punch his lights out. even now, recounting it, my stomach is turning. blech.

and then i danced for a cute hipster guy who was kinda hot. that was nice.

after that i hardly sold any dances. but i had a library book. the end.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

shakedown movie, do it!

hey if you want to see what promises to be a fucking insanely hot movie about black lesbian strippers STRIPPING FOR WOMEN, click on this link and donate a few bucks toward the completion of this project.

Monday, January 17, 2011

i do want to go to tahiti, just not with you.

(this is from monday, but i pushed "save" instead of "post." woopsie.)

last night i worked and made a good amount of money. it was rad. nobody was particularly interesting enough to write about, but just polite generous mens.

oh except one guy kept begging me to go on a free trip to tahiti with him. he says he won the trip for being among the top salespeople at his work. i didn't sense that he was lying, but i did sense that there's no way in hell i'd go on a week-long trip to tahiti with some random handsy customer. i'm never again taking a trip to a sexy locale with someone i don't want to have sex with or someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. been there, done that, got the miserable vacation photos to prove it.

[the first time i went on a tropical vacation it was with a girlfriend who had been cheating on me and wanted to break up. but before things started to suck, i had scrimped and saved to buy this non-refundable vacation package. unwisely, we decided to go anyway. i had bought an all-inclusive package, but when we got there they had us down for the "european plan," which is no food or cocktails. after i bought a phone card with which to harass the travel agent who had fucked up our reservation, we had about 600 pesos between us (roughly 60 bucks). our plan wasn't fixed till the 5th day of our 7 day stay, so before that we could only afford one meal a day. we starved ourselves until around 5pm and then walk downtown to the all-you-can-eat vegan buffet we had found and eat a whole day's worth of food in one sitting. then, stuffed, we'd take the bus back to the hotel instead of walking. i guess all of this is not central to the point here, which is that in addition to being hungry i was on a trip with a girl i was wildly in love with, but who had fallen out of love with me. she was just on some free trip with her soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, writing postcards to the new one and sneaking postage stamps out of my purse to send them. looking back, i'm glad i had the distraction of no money, if we just laid on the beach drinking cocktails i would've had a lot more time to feel miserable about how heartbroken i was. instead, i could be miserable about being hungry all the time and getting ripped off by a shady travel agent. oh, i should mention that it was my birthday.

the next time was with a girl i was also super in love with, and actually that was pretty great. we bickered some, but we also had some sweet times. like one day we were walking down the beach, topless, and there was a huge trampoline on the beach that someone had left for people to jump on. i LOVE jumping on trampolines. and i do like to see butch titties bouncing. that might sound gross, and i do not care. bouncing titties are just one of those things i enjoy A LOT in this world. especially those of a shirtless butch girlfriend on a trampoline on a white sand beach with nobody else around as far as the eye can see. ah, memories.

well the next two times were with a girl i used to date. the first time we went we were not dating anymore and i hated wanting to have sex every single moment with someone who was not even a little bit interested and therefore would not put out. so i was grouchy a lot and kinda bitchy. we still had fun, though. but i kept thinking it was a bad idea to go on a tropical vacation with someone i had a boner for who didn't have one for me. we went on vaycay again another time and it was beautiful, but lonesome at night.]

wow that was a tangent, huh? well the point is that i am not going on vacation with this guy. for a lot of reasons. mostly because i don't want to put out, but would surely be required to do so. ad nauseam. blech. no.

the other customer from last night who stands out in my mind is a chubby-cheeked business guy who was cute and sweet, wanted a million dances, and smelled good.

in other news, i've moved into a new apartment. which is HUGE and empty. i love it! but i need to buy some furniture. i love it, though!!!!!!! it's GINORMOUS. tons of space for good ideas, making things, projects, yoga, quiet times, loud sex, etc. I LOVE LIVING ALONE.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

thank you, tough girl.

i was going to write the other day but i forgot. anyway i worked on sunday night and it was a great night to work, i made a lot of money and didn't have to work too hard for it. it was a super mellow, enjoyable night except for this one crazy thing that happened. i was giving a lapdance and out of NOWHERE this woman comes barreling thru the curtain and smashes into me. she was so wasted she thought she was barreling herself into the door, to heft it open and leave the club. but instead she threw all her weight into me. i screamed, because it surprised me and also really hurt. then she was on top of me and i was on top of my customer, it was a very uncomfortable sandwich, and the lady was so wasted she was taking forever to get her bearings. i managed to scramble out from beneath her.

"get out of here!" i yelled.

her boyfriend was right behind her and started yelling at me, "fuck you! you two dollar whore!" he had some kind of accent i was too stressed out to try to place. "you're a piece of shit! don't yelling at my girlfriend!"

"who cares just get out!" i yelled.

then he started putting his fists up in my face, menacingly. "you want a piece of these you cheap skinny-ass ho?"

i have had my nose broken by a stranger before, just some regular drunk dude whose heterosexual privilege was threatened one new year's eve when i was giving my girl friend a new year's kiss and then wouldn't give him one when he demanded it. before that happened, i kind of assumed that if a stranger was going to hit me, it would be someone who wanted to rob me. you know, a mugger, not just some pissed off frat boy. but i learned firsthand that totally random men will surprise you by punching the shit out you if they are angry and feel entitled to do so. so this guy's fists waving in front of my face scared me.

there had been a hot dark-haired stripper from another club sitting at the rack earlier, and all of a sudden she was right there, pinning the guy's neck against the wall with her arm, which was broken and had a cast on it (from punching some other customer's lights out, btw). this girl had the guy and his girlfriend out in no time. what a sweetie.

well. then i was all shaky. and my neck felt out. turning my head was sending wild electric pains down my body. my customer claimed to be a massage therapist, and wouldn't you know it but he totally put my neck back in place. good as new! my back still hurts, but i think i'm gonna be okay.

i had decided not to drink that night. but i needed to calm my nerves. and also i wanted to do a shot with my impromptu bouncer. i asked her what we should have. i was hoping she wouldn't say a lemondrop or something. she goes, "tequila. duh!" so we had a shot. she goes, "to no more dumb mean guys!"

and i said, "NO WAY! this one's for tough-ass strippers!" she liked that. i don't know what this girl's name was, but if you see a hot girl at union jack's with long black hair and a black cast on her arm, treat her good! get a dance! make it rain!

Thursday, January 6, 2011


i'm so tired of working with this endless stream of new girls at work. the one i worked with on monday was super annoying. i mean, seriously. brand new, just started dancing a week ago. constant questions. non-stop talking. horrible outfits. no makeup. how did she even get hired? plus just constant rude interrupting whenever you're trying to make money. here's an example that will encapsulate the experience: i was sitting with this guy. he will buy several dances if you let him buy you a cocktail, then sit with him for a bit. he likes to be the one to suggest the dance, instead of having you ask. so you just sit for maybe two songs chatting, then he will buy at least 3 dances, often 6. anyway i was sitting with him at the bar having a hot toddy and the other girl was dancing. instead of trying to engage with any of the other customers in the place, she has to come over and interrupt my hustle, "ooh, what are you drinking?" she asks. i tell her, "a hot toddy." she goes, "oh. yummy. what's in that? can i have a sip?" it disgusted me to watch her drinking off my straw. it was, as my mom would say, UNCOUTH. but what could i do? the guy still did buy dances, but it was just annoying to have her right in my face.

i wish i could make this sign and post it in the dressing room, but i never would. so i'll just write it here instead:

so. you're desperate for cash, you have a vagina, and you think, "i'll give stripping a try," here is some advice for you, brand new dancer:

1. try slightly arching your back. hunching over the way you've been doing gives you grandpa butt.

2. please don't put your vagina on the pole.

3. please don't touch the pink parts of your vagina and then touch ANYTHING that i also touch.

4. no feather boas! please! the feathers get EVERYWHERE. and what is this, anyway, moulin rouge? you're not a burlesque star in a movie. just wear a cute outfit and learn to dance. also: a-rhythmic pelvic thrusts aren't hot! please stop doing that!

5. quit putting on hand lotion before your sets! everything gets greasy.

6. if i'm talking with a customer, wait till i'm done before you try and hustle him. HELLO. so rude to come up to a guy i'm sitting with and ask for a dance.


8. please go buy dancer shoes. it's just rude to wear street shoes on stage. i didn't even see you cleaning them with alcohol, you just wore them right off the street. i don't want to roll around in pavement grime. (plus they look terrible. those chunky 90's heels are ONE INCH HIGH. those are called "ugly flats.")

9. please don't wear ratty thrift store lingerie to work. it looks desperate. if the lace on your panties is pilly, it's not for work. if the bra used to be white and is now grayish, it's not for work. extra demerits for ratty SWIMSUITS.

10. please don't bombard your fellow dancers (ME) with tons of questions. i'll tell you where the bathroom is, give you a few helpful hints, but ultimately i'm here to make money, not to be your big sister/teacher/trainer. i'm not going to give you detailed instructions on how to hustle, teach you pole tricks, or chum around with you. be patient, watch and learn. LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES. you might be a really great stripper eventually, who knows, but for now you need to learn some things on your own, not all in one day FROM ME.

this is in no way an exhaustive list. but it's a nice start.