Sunday, December 13, 2009

up north.

i kept working all week. tuesday, wednesday, thursday. but it was like one or two clients per day. it was so insanely slow. i ended up leaving town with FAR LESS money than i had hoped, but thems the breaks.

now i'm waaaaaay up north. i'm gonna get a job this week, either stripping or working at that lady's spot that i told you about. i'm sure i'll have some stories soon.

xo andi

Monday, December 7, 2009

not-so-manic monday

the apartment was a madhouse today, a million girls working. i had one appointment at 1:30pm with my chef guy. i've written about him. he's one of my favorite clients. i just have to try and ignore the extreme onion smell baked into his hands. apart from that, though, he's ideal. cute. well-groomed. interesting. doesn't talk too much, is able to just relax and enjoy being touched.

after that, though, i didn't even try getting any more appointments because both rooms were booked solid all day long. grrrr. i have to try not to stress about the fact that i'm not meeting my money goal yet by a long shot. i'm just going to really try and get a bunch of appts in the next three days. i'll let you know how it goes.

since i couldn't work, i went downtown and got a scarf and hat, something i've been meaning to do. and a new sweater. and i had cookies that were so amazingly delicious i could barely even deal.

now i'm at sky's. gonna watch dexter and pass out.
i'm trying to avoid beginning each entry with "yesterday..." this is proving difficult, however, because i like to wake up and drink coffee while writing about the events of the day before, i.e. "yesterday."

but i shall try.


i'm drinking coffee in sky's kitchen. i just posted my ad, am hoping to work a lot today. i had hoped to work every single day that i was here at home so that when i go back up north on friday, i can bring a big sack of money with me. my goal was to make around $2500. so far, i'm not even halfway there! i've only made $1150. and i had charged a few things on my credit card, so i paid that off and now i only have $600. gotta work work work these next few days!

now can i say "yesterday?"

yesterday both of my clients were kinda icky. the first one was really nice, but had the worst, most unavoidable breath i've smelled in a really long time. it was practically gagging me, actually. he'd eaten a chicken sandwich presumably with garlic aoli. and had several glasses of white wine. add halitosis and you've got a gaggingly horrifying cocktail. and he kept trying to kiss me. it was his birthday, and he had tipped me $50 upfront, so then he apparently felt entitled to birthday kisses. i don't kiss my clients on the mouth EVER. it's just not my jam. and particularly not when they smell terrible. dodging his repeated open-mouthed kiss attempts was exhausting, and meant that there was a lot of his putrid breath in the air at all times. UN-IDEAL.

the next one was THE hairiest man i've ever seen. shocks and shocks of silver and white hair all over his entire body. i couldn't help feeling like i was massaging a wolverine-man. a really chubby one. i got him oiled up real good, and somehow, even though i didn't think the hour would ever be over, the minutes did still roll on by, slowly, even though i had felt certain they'd stand still.

then i hung out for a bit with my co-workers. they are all going to new york next week to work and it sounds like so much fun, i totally wish i was going!

i met up with sky and we went to a queer poetry thing and were held hostage for a couple of hours by Bad Poetry. there was a drag queen who performed the same lengthy boring piece that she did LAST month. i felt insulted, like "HELLO! we already saw this!" and then there was a poem about trees and rape. an annoying combo.

today, i wanna make a whole lotta money. money is so attracted to me this week, it can barely keep its paws off of me. money just wants to snuggle up in my purse and take a warm little nap in my makeup bag. money wants to have a rendezvous in my secret hiding spot. it wants nothing but the best, which is what i can provide.

p.s. i wrote to my grandma asking her why she hasn't called me back and telling her it hurt my feelings when she picked on me on thanksgiving. she said she hadn't meant to hurt my feelings, she was just being funny. but she said she was sorry and that she'll call me next week. i'm so relieved. it was terrible feeling like i had just become some sort of caricature to make fun of at holiday gatherings. i'm excited about spending the day with my granny next week.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

expensive hugs.

hi again!

yesterday was a nice day. i woke up and posted my ad, then went to my favorite thrift store. i found two great jackets, some peach mesh fabric, and some japanese socks for wearing with flip-flops. those are for my friend pippa who wears platform flops every day of her life. they would look terrible on anyone else, but for some reason they look really really cute on her.

i also went to the discount fabric store, and the luckiest thing happened to me: they charged me for the zippers i was buying, but forgot to charge me for my fabric! i love that store and it's family-owned so i normally would've pointed out their error. but it just so happens that they OWED me a few yards of fabric because a few years ago i bought some defective fabric and they refused to take it back. it was black stretch fabric and i laid it out on my floor to cut a bunch of leggings out of it. after i made TWO pairs of leggings, i noticed that my hands were black. and that my floor was black. and that my legs were black from trying on the leggings. it took a GIANT amount of scrubbing to get the stains out of my skin, and my floor bore a grayish hue forever after that. i couldn't believe they wouldn't do a return. i was tempted to never shop there again, but it's my favorite fabric store and it's so good and cheap. well, now i've been vindicated and it feels great!

then kat called, remember that girl i used to work with? the hot blonde one who may or may not have ratted me out to the crazy pimps? and who stole my flat-iron and kept it forEVER? well i've been calling and harassing her about the iron and i think she's sick of dealing with me. so she called me yesterday and said she had gotten it out of storage and that i could have it back. so i went on this long uphill trek to retrieve it. and then she was so nice when i saw her that i wondered if maybe she hadn't been lying when she said she thought she was doing me a favor by "saving" the flat iron for me. hmmm... either way, she looked really cute.

i went to the gym after that. i wanted to leave after ten minutes, but i made myself push through and actually did a decent workout. i got a call when i was getting dressed so i walked up to the apartment and saw a client.

he was THE TALLEST man i have ever met. 6'6'' !!! that is REALLY FUCKING TALL. he was good looking, too, and almost eerily polite. i gave him a massage and he talked the whole time about this and that, asking me tons of questions. i don't like answering a lot of questions, so i tried to get him talking instead. he talked about his ex-girlfriend, who was tiny like me and had long dark hair. like me. he didn't want to be jerked off at all, that's so strange. he just wanted some hugs. expensive hugs. then he wanted to see whether i'd go out for a cocktail with him but i told him i needed to meet some friends.

which i did need to do! i went back to sky's house and they were having a dinner party. everyone had eaten already, we just hung out drinking wine. it was really nice.

now i'm mildly hungover but drinking coffee and feeling chipper.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

forget about yesterday.

yesterday i had the grouchiest day EVER. i had a 1pm appointment. nice indonesian guy. he was fine. took a LONG time to come, but that happens sometimes.

then i sat around hoping to get an appointment for a while. got a 3:30 which canceled, right before 3:30. i got a 7pm and i still had a 9pm on the books, so i thought i'd just go work out in the little gym and hope for a 5:30.

i worked out in the little basement gym for about ten minutes, and then there was this creepy guy watching me through the window. he had his hand up under his shirt and was rubbing his belly. it was so gross and creepy, with long scraggly greasy hair and psycho eyes. after a few minutes he went away. but then he came back. and came into the gym. he wasn't even wearing sneakers. he was only there to be a creep. he stood around for a minute, then lifted some weights while grunting and looking at me in the mirrors. SICK!

i just got off the ellyptical and hurried back upstairs to the apartment. i was so mad that this guy's creepiness prevented me from working out. i hate that guy.

then it was about 4pm. since i had a 7 o'clock, it seemed pointless to walk all the way back to sky's and then all the way back to the apartment, so i just laid down on the couch with my book for a while hoping to get a 5:30.

i read a bit and started to get antsy. i wanted to go out for food but my co-worker had just entered an appointment so there wouldn't be anybody to buzz me back in. we girls have keys to the apartment, but not to the front door of the building. annoying. so i ate a bunch of cookies and then laid back down on the couch, somewhat disgusted with myself for lunching on so many cookies instead of real food.

at 6pm, my 7pm canceled. FUCK! so annoying! then it was like, "do i walk all the way to sky's and then come back in two hours?" which is what i should've done, but it seemed annoying at the time. so i waited around for another hour and a half. and then my co-worker's 9pm canceled so she was leaving. and i don't like doing appointments with new clients alone in the apartment when it's so late. plus i was SO grouchy and restless by that point. so i texted my client to cancel and walked back to sky's, feeling super defeated and like i just wasted a whole day when i could have been doing any number of better things.

when i got back to sky's, i couldn't shake the super annoyed feeling at all. i just could not start feeling normal. we went and met up with a friend of mine from portland. had some wine and talked a lot, and that helped. but what i really needed was to go to bed and start fresh. which is what i did.

today: fresh!

Friday, December 4, 2009


yesterday i woke up on sky's floor with grouchy tailbone pain. i had been sleeping in her twin bed with her, but she started snoring in the middle of the night so i moved to the little pallet bed she'd created for me on the floor. i love sleeping on floors, my back usually feels great when i get up. but this bruised tailbone is still giving me trouble. so i was a teensy bit grouchy when i got up.

i had an 11:30 appointment. it was with a guy who looked just like that guy "ben" on LOST. kinda weasel-ish with glasses and slightly sloping shoulders. he complained incessantly about his wife's lack of interest in sex. boring. annoying. i hate when guys complain about their wives. he sounded like he kind of couldn't stand her. when, at long last, he came, he made such gross grunty pooping sounds that i could TOTALLY see why his wife wouldn't want to have sex with him. plus, there's nothing sexy about someone nagging you for sex.

my next client sounded really nice on the phone and even though i've been really good about checking references, i didn't bother to get one from him. i kind of forgot till i got off the phone and then he was coming in 20 minutes and i didn't want to call him back and deal with it. so, irresponsibly, i didn't get any kind of reference on him. and when he showed up he had this intensely clean-cut look about him that made me wonder whether he was a cop. he was super well-dressed. perfect hair, gleamingly white teeth. i told myself to relax, that i was just being paranoid. he undressed and i put him in the shower. he hadn't placed the money on the little table so when he got out of the shower i asked that he take care of the business before the pleasure. he said, "what do you mean?"

i said, "well, you know how there's business, and then there's pleasure?"

he goes, "oh. you mean the MONEY?"

i said, "yes, the donation."

he said, "oh. of course. the money! how much is it, again? i think your ad said 150?"

the way he said it was in this intensely clear voice. it made me super nervous. i said, "the way you're talking about money and being so explicitly clear is making me very nervous. do i need to be nervous?"

he said, "no! no way. i'm sorry!"

he placed the money on the table. i took it out of the room. you're not supposed to give a massage with the money in the room.

i decided that i'd just give him a regular massage and not the erotic portion unless he stopped freaking me out. at least then if he was a cop i could only get charged with massage without a license. he relaxed considerably throughout the massage and was churning around on the table all sexy so i gave him his "release," and then put him back in the shower.

when he got out of the shower, all of a sudden this super loud alarm went off. not like a smoke alarm, more like an ALARM alarm. i looked at him, expecting him to be breaking out some handcuffs or flashing a badge. he looked as surprised as i was to hear such a loud alarm. i went out into the hallway, and saw that the alarm was coming from the intercom speaker in the ceiling. my co-worker was in the middle of a massage and she popped out into the hallway too. we were both panicked to the extreme, we didn't know what to do or what the alarm was. we stood there for a minute, frozen. then we both went back into our rooms. my client was busting ass to get dressed in a rush, pulling on a sock and trying to buckle his belt at the same time. i saw him out and then the alarm stopped. i was shaking, i was so nervous i could barely stand up. i put some clothes on quick, cleaned up the room, and went out for some air.

destinationless, i walked to walgreens. i bought some eye make up remover. some sparkling water. i walked back up the hill and stood in front of the apartment building. i still had over an hour before my next appointment and i wasn't ready to go back inside, so i ducked in to the deli downstairs. i was still feeling super shaky and i realized that in addition to being in the throes of panic, i was also suffering from low blood-sugar. i knew i should eat but everything sounded gross. i ordered an egg sandwich. i've tried this before but the guy usually tells me it's too late. i must've looked desperate because he made it for me even though it was the middle of the afternoon.

as i sat at the grubby lunch counter eating my scrambled egg sandwich, i got two calls. the first was a low, breathy-voiced man who said, "hi mandy, i'm rod. i'm tall. blonde hair. blue eyes. from your ad i see that you're just the girl i'm looking for. tiny. brunette. i'd like to pleasure you. are you into that?" i wanted to say, "ew gross, i HATE pleasure!" but it's best to be neutral with these weirdos so they give up on you right away instead of calling over and over for attention, so i just said, "no thank you."

no sooner had i hung up with that guy and taken one bite of my eggs, than another guy called. this one talked really fast and wanted to know if i could see him right away for a half-hour session, for which he was willing to pay $80. what a cheapskate. i told him that i don't do half-hour sessions, particularly not for $80.

so then i munched the rest of my eggs and went back upstairs to the apartment. i still had 45 minutes before my 4:30 appointment and i was feeling drowsy as hell so i laid down on the couch. as soon as i closed my eyes, here comes my co-worker with the steam cleaner. she gets a discount on her house fees for doing a bit of cleaning. anyway: it was SO LOUD. i felt like, "really? you have to steam clean the carpet right this minute while i'm trying to have a cat-nap?" so annoying!

my 4:30 was a guy i've seen before. a tall dutch man. i like his accent. he's a favorite of mine. the last time i saw him we were talking a lot and it was fine but kind of exhausting. i said, "the next time i see you, we're not going to talk. we're just going to enjoy each other's company." so this was our "silent session." it was SO much better. he seemed to like it too.

and then i hung around for a bit. worked out half-heartedly in the little gym. and went to meet up with sky for dinner. we had burmese food. it was delicious. not mind-blowingly tasty, but it was at least a change of pace from our usual 3 or 4 spots.

nice and stuffed, we walked downtown to see the movie "precious." it was good. i thought the acting was great. i wished there were more fantasty/dream sequences, though. sky has been needing a good cry but the floodgates are rusted shut. she thought "precious" might do the trick, but no dice. maybe i'll just have to chop some onions while telling him a sad story.

(and now for an extremely random side-note: i had this super bitchy drama teacher when i was in high school, and of course even though i hated her i was also obsessed with her. she was really kind of pathetic, unmarried and way too involved in petty high school politics. well once in class she was trying to teach us to be able to cry on stage. she said, "you have to think of the saddest thing ever. you have to have that thing ready so all you have to do is start to think of it and you'll cry." someone asked her what HER thing was that she thought about. everyone thought she was going to say being stood up at the altar, being single and friendless in our crappy hick-town, something like that. but she said, "we had this little runt piglet on the farm when i was a kid. and i just loved that little guy. one day i found him dead, though, he got trampled on by another pig." and we were all like, "that's IT?" it was such an epic anticlimax.)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

home sweet home

yesterday i flew home and went directly to work. i was reading a haruki murakami book on the plane and then as soon as the plane landed i grabbed my luggage and scrambled on to the train and then up the hill to the apartment where i work. i felt so happy to be back. to have money entering my life once more.

my first client was a baby-faced japanese man. he had big cute cheeks that went all the way up when he smiled, obscuring his eyes so that you could barely even see them. they still shined out just a bit. in a cartoon they would have been shown with those little glinty marks they put on teeth or the edge of a new car to show that it's brilliantly shiny. this guy was really nice. a bit serious.

sometimes i kind of picture my clients like characters from books or movies. i can't help it. like this guy reminded me of the main character in "the wind-up bird chronicle."

my next client REALLY reminds me of a tv character. i think i've written about him before. he's this super tall guy who's covered in tattoos who kind of scared me at first till he told me how he rescued a tiny little dog. the image of this giant toughguy walking a runty chihuahua down the street really endeared me to him. i'm so glad i didn't write him off just because he has an odd manner and semi-scary tattoos (like a mean sun that has a super maniacal smile and crazy, jagged rays), because he's turned out to be one of my favorite clients. anyway this guy reminds me SO MUCH of the tall older brother on "everybody loves raymond." it's so weird--he even has the same extremely low voice. whenever he calls to book an appointment, i can barely even conjure up my clients face, i just picture ray's brother.

i guess it's a little hard to remember certain faces, since mostly they are down in the face cradle during your time together, and then when they turn over you're not so much looking at their face if you know what i mean.

i'm going to be in town for 8 more days. i'd really like to make about 2 grand while i'm here. i hope this isn't an outlandish goal. i'm going to really try!