Tuesday, October 26, 2010

i don't like working mondays.

last night it was stormy and rainy as hell. i did okay in terms of money (only okay--by no means great) but it's only because i made a bunch right when i got there. after that, though, it was SLIM.

it was hard to even get anyone to pony up for a cocktail, let alone any dances. after one of my stage sets, i saw that there were some new guys sitting at the bar so i plopped down at an empty stool. "wow i'm so thirsty," i announced. 99% of the time that's when somebody will say, "oh! can i buy you a cocktail?" but this time, the three guys averted their eyes. i said, "anybody wanna buy me a cocktail? i'm so thirsty." the guy to my immediate left goes, "not particularly," but then the guy next to him goes, "oh! ok! let ME buy you a drink!" summoning the bartender, he said in a heroic, self-pleased tone, "anything the lady wants!"

i decided to just accept that this was not gonna be a big money night and take pleasure in the little things, like only having two more hours of work, and playing tetris on my iphone. i sipped on my vanilla vodka and OJ contentedly as the cocktail guy told me how he has developed software that allows him to log into the company network from his phone, but it will show that he's on premises and not that he's logging on from a mobile device. very clever, actually, and totally perfect for the kind of person who likes to swing by the strip club for a long lunch. he went on to say that his job is rad, he got them to pay for his monthly bus pass since he doesn't use the free parking space they provide for employees.

"that's rad," i said, "but why don't you drive? i mean, you have a good job so you could probably afford a decent car."

"i just never learned," he said. his parents died when he was 15 and he became a ward of the state, and none of his foster parents felt like teaching him. plus he was bereaved.

i told him how i just learned to drive two months ago and so if he wanted to learn it's not too late. i almost offered to teach him, but realized that would just be the cocktail talking so i kept my mouth shut.

"i don't mind taking the bus," he said. his cheerful tone was very convincing.

"that's great. i hated taking the bus, especially at night. but i guess it would be a lot easier if you were a dude."

the rude cheapskate guy piped up, "what?! how would it be easier? what a crazy thing to say!"

i really didn't feel like launching into a women's studies lecture with this guy. "girls get harassed ALL THE TIME on the bus, HELLO DUDE," i said.

"well what kind of neighborhoods were you going to?"

"it doesn't MATTER," i said. "guys will try and talk to you no matter where you are. and they will follow you. and they will say gross things. it's annoying and sometimes scary."

"well, what were you usually WEARING when you rode the bus," he demanded, looking me up and down accusingly.

"i didn't ride the bus in stripper outfits, you moron!"

"well, duh," he said. "but, i mean, what were you wearing?"

"JUST FUCK OFF," i said, angry that he was thwarting my money-less plan of enjoying the simple pleasures. and i didn't feel like it was my job to educate this asshole on how a girl could be riding the bus in a snuggie and a ski mask and she'd still be hit on mercilessly (i'm speaking from the place of a slender girl with long hair, but i'm pretty sure that girls of all shapes and sizes and hair lengths face the same ordeal on a constant basis), and how even if you ARE wearing a slutty outfit, you have just as much right as anybody else to utilize public transportation without feeling bothered or unsafe.

i polished off my cocktail and got back on stage. danced a few lackluster sets and then it was FINALLY time to make my escape.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


i worked on monday and it was insanely slow but i brought a book so it was fine. i think i made $100 ALL DAY, but at least it was better than last monday's $10 (after parking).

last night i worked and it was busy. really nothing to report, though. a regular came in and bought ten dances. he's really short so there's not much lap to sit on. really a quadricep workout, like doing squats for ten songs straight. well, actually it was five at once and then a five more a little later. but STILL. whew.

i think i'm going down south tomorrow. gonna see some massage clients and make some $$$. i'll let you know how it goes.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

maps, porn, etc.

work on thursday night was unremarkable except that i met an aquatic cartographer who was 6' 5'' and was super muscley like an action figure. he was in town for a mapmakers convention. i liked hearing about how they survey underwater planes. he says that thanks to the many satellites of google earth, cartography is a dying profession that doesn't even require aerial photography or anything like that anymore, but since he surveys underwaterscapes his job's still important. he went into a lot of technical, jargoney descriptions and i don't know how much of this i understood or even cared about, but it was definitely a nice departure from the usual strip club doldrum of frigid wives, meglomaniacal bosses, etc.

also he talked a lot about karate. he has a black belt. he just sat at the bar all night waiting for me to come sit with him between customers. it was kind of cute.

the sad part was that when i was getting off work, i could tell this guy was waiting for me thinking maybe i'd wanna hang out. and then when the doorguy walked me to my car, he looked a bit crestfallen when i gave him a little wave and just kept walking. i had to drive around the block to get going the right way and i passed him walking slumpedly back to his hotel. he looked lonesome. not my problem, but i still felt a little sad for him.

it's been RAD having three days off in a row. i'm dreading that monday morning shift tomorrow. i keep working it even though i rarely make any money because whenever i do my boss also gives me a couple really good shifts. so.

i've done some thrift store shopping, had some family time, and have been watching a lot of porn for whatever reason. i found my ideal clip yesterday on xtube. starts out with this girl on the floor getting banged from behind. she's got her ass in the air and her head and arms on a pillow, so her big natural tits are banging against the carpet in this bouncy motion that i found to be dreamy. apparently the person shooting the video also thought it was awesome so they focused in just on her tits, bouncing like that amazingly. i loved jerking off to that video. i'm gonna look for it again right now, in fact. SO GOOD. do you ever watch something and feel like it was made just for you?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

cherries n dopplegangers

guys like this cherries outfit for some reason. i find it to be cheesy, i never thought i would wear something with cherries on it, to me they say, "femme dyke sex nerd circa 2001." but i was outfit shopping one day and this little number called out to me. it said, "i'm the lowest common denominator! buy me, guys like this shit!" so i did and i'm telling you, whenever i put it on it's like instant $$$. i don't want to wreck its mojo by wearing it when it's totally dead and i'm not going to make money anyway. it's not the kind of outfit that will bring people in off the street. it's for when there are already customers and there are other cute girls working, but i want them to get dances from ME.

last night was a good night. i made all my money in the first two hours and then it was pretty slow but i felt relaxed. i worked with the hot over-accessorized russian girl and this other girl who has lots of tattoos. she always wears tiny flowered white underpants and they look kind of AMAZING. like, all those metal tattoos might suggest "bad girl," but then she's wearing little girl panties. somehow it doesn't read as pedophilic at all, just totally hot.

a guy came in who looked like the 60 year-old version of my sweet buddy sky. i couldn't deal. i stared at him too much. i think he liked the attention because he came up and tipped me a couple twenties on stage. he had almost the same glasses as my friend, and also the odd flowy faggy clothes, which on sky look smartly fashionable, but on this guy were just a little dumpy. he had a super glittery eagle earring in one ear and it was glinting at me from across the room. i went over to sit with him and noticed that, close up, he had similar eyelids to sky! germanically hooded! and rosebud lips. INSANE. it was his birthday, he was 57. i was sure he was gay, i mean his voice and everything about his countenance suggested it. but when i told his friends to buy him a birthday dance from me, they did and they guy got a giant boner that was clearly evident through his loose woven pants, so maybe not gay? the experience was surreal.

there was a lot of other random customers. i kind of don't remember them or care very much right now, actually. oh and i tried to hustle my boss's boyfriend. that's always rad. luckily he told me right away before i said anything possibly embarrassing. (the best lines are always the most embarrassing.)

it's my day off. i'm having anger and sadness about some things. i keep thinking it will pass, but the more i think about it, the madder and sadder i get! i'm going to go for a super long run and just pound it out!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

the broke and the geriatric.

omg yesterday was the world's slowest shift. EVER. i mean: ever in my life. i made $19. can you believe that? and when you minus the $9 i spent on parking, i made TEN DOLLARS. at least i didn't really have to dance very much, though, just sat around having Life Discussions with my co-worker and my boss. we're all having the same problem: two loves, and you only get to keep one. do you pick security and sweetness or hot sex? go!

a woman came in to audition. well, two did actually. monday's the day for it. anyway one was a tiny lil speedy thing, tried out in flip flops and a swimsuit. NEXT.

the other one was the kind of older woman who "looks good for her age." she had totally ripped abdominals and not a wrinkle on her whole body. and a very good boob job, although they were too big for her frame. she had a total grandma hairstyle, though--short and permed. dyed red. she danced to the beach boys "california dreamin." it was strange to watch, like do sexy moves go out of style? were her stiff gestures sexy a lot of years ago when she was a younger stripper? and how many years ago was that?

when she left my boss goes, "try and guess how old that woman was."

"51!" i said.

"no way," my co-worker said. "47!"

my boss goes, "she was FIFTY-NINE!"

stunned silence. followed by incredulity and depression. these are TOUGH TIMES when strippers are coming out of retirement mere DAYS before their 60th birthdays.

we're all gonna be that old one day if we're lucky. i've got to put some of my eggs in a different basket. or buy some chickens? or something. STAT!

Sunday, October 10, 2010


i had this regular for a few months but then he totally disappeared and i hadn't seen him for a long time till yesterday. i'm really glad he came in during my mid-shift because it was sloooooow. it really only takes one good customer to make your shift good, though. and by "good," i mean "$$$." duh.

i worked with the messy-haired puritanical ballerina. (i've written about her before.) she's nice or whatever, but she really gets on my nerves. i can't figure out whether her loud optimism is genuine and fueled by a really great life filled with naivete and support from loved ones, or whether it's the front for something darker. either way, it is Too Much. plus she does this thing where whenever she gets done dancing and is collecting her tips she goes, "thank you! thank you everybody!" in the overly gracious tone of someone winning a Tony award. it's a little depressing.

i got off work and wanted to drink but i had my car so i drove home and went to this whiskey bar close to my house with the intention of getting very drunk and stumbling home to pass out. i haven't been drunk like that in a while and it felt like the right time for it. but i still had a lot of makeup on, not the right get-up for sitting alone at a bar on a saturday night because guys see you're by yourself and that you went to all the effort of making your hair and makeup pretty so you must be wanting to meet someone, so they keep coming over and talking to you. this is perfect when you're broke and want drinks. but i had a lot of money on me, and i didn't feel like talking to anyone. this one really cute guy came over and was chatting with me and if i was straight it would've been the perfect opportunity for stranger sex. he had pretty eyes, wasn't too hairy, cute outfit, nice lips. tempting almost but, alas, i don't want anybody's dick in my mouth so i went home after only one drink.

my housemates were all going to a party around the corner from our house so i popped by and lasted for precisely 5 minutes. sometimes i feel suuuuuuper antisocial, like i just have absolutely nothing to say to anyone unless they're paying me. so i went back home and started watching SNL in the basement, but fell asleep after the opening monologue. i woke up down there totally freezing and disoriented and went upstairs and crawled into my freshly washed sheets, which felt really good.

today's going to be a good day. i have nothing on the docket at all besides reading, writing, eating, and maybe going to the movies. also i'm going to make a pumpkin pie.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

hello. it's me again.

i've worked a bunch lately but nothing too interesting has happened. last night was good. a guy came in and bought a lot of dances with me. and then his friends were like, "we gotta go, dude, come on or we're gonna leave you here." they were up from salem and he had no other way home. so, desperate for a momento, he bought my thong for $20. AND my hot shorts for $60. i really liked those shorts, though, so i told him i needed to go put something else on real quick because i couldn't just run around the club naked. i grabbed these other shorts that looked a lot like the original shorts and did a switcheroo. he totally didn't notice, just put the shorts on his head like a crown and scrambled outside to meet his friends.

i danced for a lot of random guys, i can't remember anything pertinent about any of them.

a pair of mountain dykes came in. the less butch of the two (i hesitate to say "femme," but you never know, i mean she was wearing lipstick) was really bossy. she kept saying, "come on, put your pussy in my face!" i didn't like her at all.

then some bartenders came in who thought they were really famous. i know this because they were super coked out and kept telling me how famous they were. "#1 mixologist" this, and "hot list" that. AS IF I CARE. one of them was in from new york, but the less annoying of the two works right down the street from my club. i got him to promise me free cocktails on friday. so. that's nice.

then the black keys came in. that's a band. i've never listened to them, but my co-worker is a big fan and had been at their show the night before. she was FREAKING OUT. it was fun to watch her try and act normal. they were really fun to hang out with and dance for. they brought a bunch of really good looking people with them, too.

hmmm what else. i want to go on a trip somewhere. where's a good place to strip?