Saturday, October 31, 2009


i know i keep saying this, but i really really love the new place where i'm work. the only thing i miss about the old place was that being required to sit around ALL DAY in that dank old dump was really good for my blogging. i'd just sit and write all day between clients. now i'm free to come and go as i please and it's great but i need to make time for writing, too. kind of like in middle school how i'd have all my best ideas for drawings during math class, but then in art i'd sit in front of a blank page and stare off into space. time and time management are such bizarre things.

this week i didn't work much because i got another freelance job doing styling and sewing for a clothing commercial. it was grueling work and the woman i was working for was kind of a bitch, but it was nice to make money using a different skill set than the one i have been employing. the thing that's good and bad about these freelance jobs is that you get a day rate, so in the best case scenario you get $350 per day and end up getting your work done in a couple hours and then sitting around reading magazines with the hairstylist. the worst case scenario is that you get $350 and end up working your fingers to the bone for ten or eleven hours. (oh and they need you at 7am tomorrow!) but overall, it's pretty great. there aren't many jobs where you make $350 per day, especially ones where you aren't naked.

i was back at work yesterday and i was so busy it was like a dick-yank-athon. i saw a new guy who was really rad. and then i ended up seeing that little grouch i wrote about before!!! i forgot to save any pertinent information about him in my phone besides his name. so when he called, he came up as someone i'd seen before but that's it. he has a very non-memorable name, too. anyway my bad. but the thing is, he was super nice this time around. i am thinking i may have mis-interpreted his general social ineptitude as rudeness. he's very stilted and awkward, but did seem to enjoy my company. hmm... anyway this happens sometimes where i decide someone sucks, forget to save them in my phone that way, and then they surprise me by coming back and being really nice.

my favorite co-worker was working yesterday too. i know i've talked about her before, but i don't think i've given her a name. let's call her... stacy. i like that one!!! yes, stacy. she kinda looks like a stacy. maybe more like a staci. no, let's keep the Y. STACY. she's tiny and tan with long blonde hair and big fake tits. we have very similar bodies besides the tits. and my ass is much bigger. :) but like, small frames, tiny waists. etc. i really really like this girl, she's so sweet.

anyway stacy was working yesterday and we always love it when we have the house to ourselves. when the house is busy with girls, stacy gets overwhelmed and goes to sit in the stairwell. i'll find her there sometimes, eating a sandwich or smoking weed. yesterday stacy went to get us some food. she brought back eggrolls and coconut soup. she was coughing a little and eating the coconut soup so i didn't have any, but i did have a couple of greasy eggrolls which were QUITE tasty. well a little bit later stacy got sick. she says the soup hadn't tasted quite right, but that she thought it was okay. i'm really glad i didn't eat any.

hmm... what other boring details can i share...

i'm working today but just for a little bit. it's halloween so i'm going to wear some cat ears. i wonder if a little black cat-nose will be too much? i mean, people's boners can be kind of touch-n-go.

Monday, October 26, 2009

papercuts are the worst.

oh jeez i worked SO MUCH on saturday. i can't even remember who i saw. the one thing i DO remember about is that i got CUM in my PAPERCUT, which caused me to FREAK OUT!!! i didn't even know i HAD a papercut till i felt the sting of cum in it. blech. kind of scary. but most likely totally fine.

well yesterday the papercut go to heal up and so i'm going back to work today. i'm going to lay by the pool if i get a chance, too. gotta work on my tan!

Saturday, October 24, 2009


i'm back from vacation. it was pretty mellow.

i went in to work yesterday and it was such a crowded madhouse. like five girls and makeup everywhere and just TOO MUCH. i could have had a million appointments but the schedule was booked solid. i did get to squeeze two in, though, so that's good.

my first client was a regular who i haven't seen in a while. i've written about him before, he's super tall and our conversations almost always end up being about his wild trips to vegas. i like him a lot. he brought me a bottle of wine, i thought that was a sweet thing to do. i'm such a lightweight that by the end of our session i had drank ONE glass of wine and felt drunk. maybe it's because i ran yesterday?

my next client was also a regular. he's really good-looking and has cute style. i'm always surprised when he shows up in these understated but superb outfits. i don't know why i'm so surprised, maybe i just expect most straight dudes to have boring fashion? i like his attention to detail, his clean lines, and his tiny bit of flair. plus he's really polite which goes a long way in my book.

then it was late and the house had quieted down. it was just me an other girl whose teeth are always purple from drinking so much wine. i feel like wine is the drink of choice among massage girls or something? remember lily? (she'd drink AT LEAST a bottle of wine per shift.)
so. i hung out with this girl for a bit, while i cleaned up. i had another glass of wine, myself, and then i really felt sleepy. i went home and tried to work on the quilt i'm making but then i remembered it was friday so i watched my favorite show online--"medium." it's not a very good show, i totally know this, but i thoroughly enjoy it anyway. mostly because i have such a crush on patricia arquette. WHAT A BABE. she's one of those people who just gets hotter and hotter as the years go by. MEOW!

today it's super sunny out and i'm going to work for just an hour then to a fun thing in the park. xo

Sunday, October 18, 2009

tiny grouchy loser.

the other day i saw a guy who was such a jerk. a little asian guy with a big attitude. he was super condescending and annoying from the moment he walked in the door. i gave him an ice-breaking hug and he was stiff as a board. i led him into the massage room and he said, "you look a lot different from your pictures." 

i said, "really? they were taken just over a month ago."

"yes," he said, his voice dripping with disgruntlement. "you look MUCH different in person."

not wanting to encourage this line of conversation, i said, "oh. well okay honey. so if you just want to take care of the business, i'll get your shower running."

"you really looked a lot tanner in your pictures," he called after me as i went into the bathroom.

"well, it was sunnier then i guess," i said. "but i'm the same cute girl from the pictures and we're going to have a good time. sound good?"

"oh well yeah, i mean i was just saying..." he fished out some bills and went to shower.

i went into the living room where a couple of my co-workers were hanging out. i said, "i look MUCH DIFFERENT than my pictures, you guys. i photograph well but am clearly a total dog." my co-workers all rolled their eyes and laughed. we're each others' fan clubs which feels nice.

i took my time getting back to the room, hoping my client would just have his face in the cradle when i returned so i could give him his massage with as little talking as possible.

OF COURSE he was one of those guys who "can't breathe" in the face cradle. so he kept his grouchy little mug out and eyeballed me in the mirror the whole time i was massaging him. he didn't talk much, though, and i appreciated that.

he really seemed to dislike me from the start, so i wondered whether he'd be able to get it up for the jerk off portion of the massage. 

he did get a boner. one that WOULD NOT QUIT. he just refused to come for such a long time! i started to hate him. and he kept trying to manhandle me. i'm usually totally okay with guys touching me, grabbing my ass, etc. but that's because they are nice guys who are happy to be interacting. i didn't want this jerk touching me at all. which, of course, made it take longer for him to come. YUCK.

finally i said, "i'm ready for you to come now." so he did and i put him back in the shower. i went back out to the living room. "what a jerk," i said. "i'm so glad that's done."

when i went back to let the guy out, he had his iphone in his hand. he has an app on it that tells him what anybody's real name is, even if they've taken their name off of their account (as i have done). he said, "so your REAL name is ---, huh? i like that name a lot." 

i said, "wow aren't you clever. time to go. goodbye," and ushered him out the door.

he seemed surprised that i wasn't super rattled by his creepy stalker move. fucking fuck him.

now i'm on vacation!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

busy busy businesswoman

well. let's see. i haven't written in quite some time, i'll try to catch up here and then be better about writing.

last week after i wrote on tuesday, i didn't work at all for the rest of the week except to drop in for one client, a super nice persian man who looked A LOT like my brother's dad. (i come from a huge family where everyone has a different deadbeat dad. we all grew up together, a big pack of ragamuffins raised by our exhausted, frazzled mom.) anyway this guy looked SO MUCH like my the dad of one of my brothers. it was an uncanny resemblance, actually. he even had the same accent. whoa.

then i worked on getting my house in order for a couple days. and i had a friend/ex-girlfriend come into town to visit. she's still here, actually. it's been stressful, to say the least. going to work has felt like my only escape from the tension and negativity that we are cultivating in the place of our love. so i've worked a lot this week.

on sunday i saw a few clients, none of them particularly noteworthy. and if they were noteworthy i just totally don't remember. this is what happens when you don't write!

then on monday i worked again. i saw only two clients but hung out at the house all day. i wanted time to myself to read and chill out. even when things were going really well between me and this ex-girlfriend, there were always a few problems, and one of them was my reading addiction. it feels REALLY IMPORTANT to me to keep up on my reading. there are so many books in the world that even if i read all day, every day i still wouldn't get through all the good ones. and i find reading to be relaxing and exciting. it keeps my mind sharp and my vocabulary playful. i love to sip a glass of wine or tea and just park my ass in one spot and read all day or night.

the problem is that girlfriends like you to be more interactive. i've never had a girlfriend who would just let me read. it's always, "let watch a movie," or "can't we talk?" i love talking and i love hanging out and being close, but i also love spending quiet time without feeling like i'm neglecting somebody.

so. anyway. i wanted to read for a bit and the house was quiet (it RARELY is, now that the girls are back from their vacation) so i stayed for a couple extra hours and stretched out on the couch with my book.

then i didn't work on tuesday.

yesterday was wednesday and i was SUPER busy. i talked with the girl who runs the new place where i work (let's call her taylor) and asked whether i could run a special. she suggested i run a $150 special, of which the house keeps $50. i felt like that was pretty generous and totally rad. i've never run such a cheap special before and it totally got my phone ringing.

my first client was a man i've seen before. he knows i like to read and we share one of the same favorite authors (haruki murakami) so he brought me his favorite book by him, "norwegian wood." it's one of the few murakami books i have yet to read so i was stoked. i'm going on a short vacation next week to my hometown and i plan to sit all day in a cozy cafe and eat that book whole.

then i saw what i like to call a "Busy Businessman." one of my favorite types of client, the Busy Businessman wants a massage, sure, but mostly they want to be turned on quickly, ejaculate hugely, and then speed right on outta there. i used to get a little annoyed with their brusque manner, but then i realized that they view this session just like a haircut: necessary maintenance that should be good, but quick. (part of what led me to connect those dots is that guy after guy would mention that they were scheduling me after their haircut, or they wouldn't say anything but would show up with tiny little cut hairs on their necks.) so with these guys i'm sexy and time-efficient, and they hardly ever talk very much and neither do it. it's actually ideal.

my next client was also a BB. but he wasn't in finance like the first guy. he was a lawyer, and so inherently more talkative. but he was nice. he was black and had a truly GIGANTIC cock. the things you hear are true: black guys do indeed (mostly) have giant cocks. i have seen literally THOUSANDS of cocks and so i can tell you this with authority. this guy was nice, and i really liked his shirt.

then my regular, the chef guy. remember last time i said his hands didn't smell oniony? well this time the reallllllllly did again. it's kind of a gross combo with the cum smell. it's like... i don't even want to draw a comparison to anything, i'll just tell you it's a yucky combo and you can take my word for it. this guy's really nice, though. i like him a lot. i asked him to bring me something to eat next time.

i'm not working today. just gonna make some autumn outfits. i went shopping between clients yesterday but came home empty handed. i hardly saw anything i liked, and when i did see things i liked i felt oddly cheap. it's terrible! as a result of this excessive picky frugalness, i don't have any clothes right now.

more another day. xo andi

p.s. i'm almost debt-free. when i started this job, i held almost $6000 in credit card debt, but now it's only $1500. woohoo!!!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

they say i'm a sweaty beast.

yesterday i worked. my first client was this guy named greg. he was a young rich guy, i didn't like him at all. he was conventionally attractive and knew it in that arrogant sort of way. he came in, stripped off his diesel jeans, and wanted to hop right up on the table, even though he had just come from getting his hair cut. i suggested a shower. he was like, "i'm really clean." i told him the massage would be a lot more fun if i didn't get a lot of little hair bits on me. he reluctantly rinsed off.

when he laid down on the table, he didn't want to put his face in the cradle. instead he stared at me lasciviously the whole time in the mirror, like a wolf who wanted to eat me for a snack. like a candy bar he had bought and was just about to unwrap and bite into. i did not like this guy! but even though he was entitled and handsy and particular, the thing i DID like about him was that he didn't really want a massage. he just wanted to be touched for a minute and then jerked off. he was in and out in 25 minutes, something that never ever happens. usually when someone comes too fast they are bummed so i take care not to get guys off too quickly. this guy had places to be and $180 wasn't anything to him. so it was quick and then i got rid of him.

the next guy was someone i've written about before, who i saved in my phone as NO MICKEY NO! but the problem is that i saved his work number, not his real number. oops. so when i got his call yesterday it didn't come up as no mickey no. and i thought he was saying his name was NICKY. when i answered the door, i thought NO! MICKEY! NO!!! but what could i do?

he showered and i gave him a washcloth, hoping he'd scrub the hell out of his excessive body hair and stinky bum. miracle of miracles: when he laid down on the table, he didn't stink up the whole room. in fact, he barely smelled bad at all. and his backne had cleared up considerably. he was hardly gross at all. i think when i saved him before it was when i was still pretty new in this business and didn't yet realize that A LOT of guys are just as yucky as or even yuckier than no mickey no.

the session went fine. mickey talked a lot, like: nonstop. his voice is a hilarious stereotypical "nerd" voice. kind of stuffed up with excessive pronunciation. it often sounds like he ate a thesaurus for lunch. he uses the most random and archaic words sometimes, like someone who reads more than they converse. he's also very fond of the word "actually." i like this guy. his grooming isn't great but he's really nice. and so super-weird that it's fun to talk to him.

then i sat around with my co-worker for a while. she made me a cocktail. that was nice. a mid-day ketel and cranberry.

during that down-time, i checked my email. this is what was waiting for me:

hi andi! i saw you quite a while ago and you were nice, but seemed a little uptight. your armpits just started sweating and the entire session was not worth 180. are you able to give me a discount and make it up to me?
thanks and talk soon. tony

...dude. are you kidding me? i wanted to tell him to FUCK RIGHT OFF. but it's kind of best not to go around pissing people off. i don't want him to get crazy on me, and i don't want a lot of calls/emails from him. so i just said:

Hi tony. No, I don't feel I have anything to make up to you. I'm a tiny person, I give a strenuous massage so of course I'm going to sweat. I hope you find what you're looking for, but I'm clearly not the right provider for you.
Best, andi

oh, brother.

then i saw this yoga/rock-climbing guy who i see every now and then. he's nice, doesn't talk much but seems to enjoy himself.

and then i was done working and i met up with sky for a sushi feast. it was YUMMY.

Friday, October 2, 2009

i love this new place.

today i had an appointment with the older man i wrote about before, the one who has more body hair than i've ever seen on anyone, ever. he's really really nice, though, so when he called i picked up and we set up an appointment for 11am. this guy is kind of classy. he owns a luxury car dealership. he dresses simply, but his clothes are well-chosen and scream of quality. today he was wearing a pale yellow shirt that i guessed was from thomas pink. a quick label check when he was in the shower confirmed this hunch. i love thomas pink. it always reminds me of this girl i used to adore who had shirts from there.

i think i should call this guy something, we'll call him paul.

paul's getting kinda old, as i mentioned before. while i was on vacation in austin, he called me one day, and i didn't pick up. so he called back. i figured he was just going to keep calling over and over, some people hate leaving messages, so i picked up. i told him i was on vacation. he said, "oh, well good for you honey. that's nice. sorry to bother you." i told him it was no bother and that i 'd give him a call when i got back. and then a few minutes later he called again. i didn't pick up, but then he called AGAIN so i picked up. "well hello andi," he said. "i was wondering whether you might be taking appointments today." i was kind of surprised. he hadn't seemed senile when i'd seen him. anyway, i said, "oh hi paul. i'm still on vacation. we just spoke, do you remember?" he seemed embarassed, then, and i figured he probably be too sheepish to call me for an appointment again.

but then today he called. so that's good.

our session was fine, i just had to coach myself through not minding his excessive amounts of hair. paul's so nice and i don't find him to be gross, so his hair became a lot less gross to me today than it was last time. plus, he smells good and when i asked him what his cologne was he said, "chanel. for men." i thought that was cute.

paul tipped $60 again. sweet.

then i didn't have any appointments for a while. at the old place, i would've been stuck in that dingy grody apartment, doing laundry all day and dealing with the two terrible troll pimps. but this place where i work now is SO MUCH NICER!!! i went down to the basement and worked out in the gym. and then my co-worker and i laid by the pool for a couple of hours. it didn't feel terrible and annoying not to be working, it felt GREAT! it was sunny and hot and we just relaxed and chatted and sunned ourselves.

then she had a 3:30 and i was supposed to have a 4 o'clock but mine cancelled. and since at this new place i'm free to leave whenever i choose, i got on my bike and came home. ate an early dinner, had a short nap. and then i got a call for an hour and a half session at 6:30. i was into being home, but another thing that's cool about this new place is that if you have a 1.5 hour session, you still only have to pay $70. so it would've been stupid not to take this guy.

i biked back up to the spot, and got there a little early. my co-worker rachel (the one i hung out with at the pool) had found this huge picture of me in the weekly newspaper and hung it up on the wall. so cute.

i saw my client. he was a really good looking young guy, probably about 35. cute fashion, nice hair, great manners. the only bad thing about him was that it took him ten million years to come. but at least he knows that about himself and books an hour and a half instead of an hour. after i massaged him ETC, he took a shower and i changed the sheets because he wanted to give me a massage. his hands were big and very strong and he had good massage intuition. what a treat. i briefly entertained the idea of having him give me an "ending." but i had already faked an orgasm earlier when i let him rub my clit, and then i didn't want to have a real one with him. plus, i don't really want to get into all that with clients. it was a brief, passing thought.

and now, i'm home. i'm supposed to meet a friend for a cocktail but i'm getting super drowsy.

goodnight, readers. if you exist.