Wednesday, September 30, 2009

i just woke up from the worst dream!

okay first i want to mention that i HATE listening to people tell me about their dreams. i usually JUST DON'T CARE. the swirling details of them drive me nuts! in fact, could you please shut up? unless you're my girlfriend, don't count on me wanting to hear any but most the general summary of your dream.

and yet... this is my blog. so i'ma go ahead with it.

last night i fell asleep watching desperate housewives online, and the girl who plays susan's daughter, julie, looks JUST LIKE this girl i used to dance with. kind of chin-less and not that cute, but a nice smile, pretty hair, and a smokin hot body, complete with perfect tits that look fake but are real.

in my dream, this girl, we'll call her july, got a job working at my old job with the pimpy trolls (how funny is it that the words "dream" and "job" ended up together in that sentence, separated by just 8 other words?), and she mentioned to me that on this one certain day the pimps wouldn't be there so i could come in and look for my flat-iron. 

have i mentioned that in real life my flat iron is missing and that i KNOW that one of the girls must've taken it? i tried to get this girl i know to look for it the day after i got fired, but she was too frazzled because gigi was there controlling her every move. it was a time sensitive matter, i knew that if she didn't find it for me a certain person--KAT--would take it for herself because she always admired it's magic way of smoothing the hair with just one swipe as opposed to cheap ones that take many swipes. plus i had made the mistake of telling her it cost $200.

in the dream, i went to go look for my flat-iron, and while i was there, i decided i may as well take a client or two, which in my dreamland amounted to bringing them into the massage room, taking their money, giving them a hug, and sending them on their way. oh, if only! 

after that i looked around for the flat-iron and miraculously, a certain person had returned it to the place where i had left it. but it was broken. i thought, "maybe i can fix this," and i put it in my purse, which was already spilling over with other things of mine i had found around the house.

i felt happy as i got ready to leave the house. my pockets were full of money and my purse was filled with forgotten treasures and my beloved, probably fix-able, flat-iron. i was thinking, "now i have all my things! i don't EVER have to come back here!"

suddenly, the dream took a turn for the worse.

what's worse than a nanny-cam? a ceiling rafter system for the trolls to hide in. 

i was suddenly aware that they were up there, in the ceiling. i felt terrified and panicked and so i opened the door to make a run for it. they jumped out of the ceiling, and since gigi has health problems, it was up to jane to chase me. she's in pretty terrible shape too, and her legs are VERY short, so even though i was caught off guard by their sneak attack, i was pretty sure i could outrun her. i scrambled out the door and she was right on my heels, but i managed to gain some distance on her when she stopped and bent over to look at something. i peeked over my shoulder, and realized that she had stopped to un-tether a big dog!

"GET 'ER!" she yelled at the dog, and her voice wasn't her usual incongrous baby doll voice, it was thick and deep and scary as hell.

the dog came after me, leaping through the air and snarling. i turned the corner and thought i'd just duck into starbucks but when i looked, starbucks was gone. in its place: a smoking ruin. oh, apocalypse, not today!

i just ran and ran with that dog nipping at my heels. i lost a shoe and my purse was spilling out all over the place but i couldn't stop. it looked like i might get away. and then i woke up.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

comfy couches, cute girls, a chef, and a saxophonist.

i started working at a new spot today. i like it a lot so far. first of all, they have REAL COUCHES. which may seem like a small thing, but is actually a huge thing. as i sunk into the big soft couch, waiting for my client, i had the overwhelmingly amazing feeling of never having to sit on those lumpy trolls' couches ever again. i felt so happy and free.

second of all, the girl who runs this new spot, gia, is really nice. she allows you come and go as you please, you just have to check in and see if a room is available when you need it. kind of great. and the place is clean. and there's a giant wall of movies you can watch. i'm gonna bring my computer and headphones tomorrow and just kick it between clients.

all these things are rad, but the truly great thing is that gia has this SUPER HOT butchdyke bff who helps her run the place. OMG this girl is fine.

today i had an appointment at 4 and one at 6:30. at the old spot, i would've had to get there at 10:30am and just fucking sit there for four and a half hours till my first appointment, and then leave around 8. being there for 9.5 hours would just be miserable and exhausting and fill my life with dread. but instead, i hung out in my house doing things and enjoying my day until 3, then i left. got up to the place at 3:30, put on makeup and whatnot. i ended up leaving a little before 8, for a total of a little over 4 hours. so much better!!!!!!!

my first client was my regular who is a chef. he's so nice! i like him a lot. he didn't smell like onions today. or garlic. or any kind of food, actually. he just smelled like some kind of pleasant cologne.

and then i just sat around reading for an hour until my next guy. remember i wrote about that guy who was a saxophonist? i think i said i didn't ever want to see him again. but i forgot to save him as a "no" in my phone, and when he called me today i couldn't remember anything about him. so i ended up seeing him this evening by accident. but now i'm glad i did. he was really vocal and crazy, but i think i like him anyway. he's just really really bizarre. he's easy to please, though, and it's kind of nice for someone to truly enjoy themselves on your massage table, even if they are a total and complete freak about it. he brought his own music again, which was weird but nice: mystical persian jazz. both times this guy has come dressed the same way: light beige-ish khaki pants, off-white t-shirt, and dark blazer. dorky but tidy. today he was wearing THE BEST t-shirt: it was a caterpillar in the shape of a question mark, and then on the back was a giant butterfly. charming and cute. i really wish this guy wouldn't make so many tiger noises, though.

i'm working again tomorrow. i gotta catch up on my finances. one of the girls came in to work today with a couple big shopping bags of new clothes. it was inspiring. this is the kind of job where you should be able to afford to go shopping sometimes. it's gonna get that way for me soon. oh, yes.

Monday, September 21, 2009

my "sweet lemonade."

i'm on vacation. it's so nice. yesterday i swam with my sister and sky in barton springs in austin, texas. it was refreshing and dreamy.

i'm drinking coffee right now, my favorite part of the day. quiet coffee time, checking email, writing down ideas, making lists. anyway i figured a good way to keep my clients might be to check my work email once in a while on vacation and actually read them and write back.

here's the kind of emails i get. just to give you an idea:

--- On Sat, 9/19/09, MIKE SO-AND-SO wrote:

From: ---- <>
Subject: I Miss You!
Date: Saturday, September 19, 2009, 8:12 AM

Hi andi,

How are you?

Do you remember me, I had nice massage and shower session with you!

I miss you!

I am sorry to be very busy lately, but should return shortly.

I really need to see you...of any girl I have been with, you have the sweetest and best tasting pee...oooh, I need your pee, really turns me on, hot and kinky!

Only request next time is that you squat, spray your sweet pee directly in my mouth...don't want to miss a drop of your sweet lemonade!

PS - Nice new photos, you are nice and pretty girl...wish I had a GF like you, get my sweet pee daily...oooh, very hot and kinky!

Take care and have a nice weekend,
to which i responded:
hi mike, of course i remember you! are you still traveling in asia? i loved peeing in your mouth, i coudn't believe how much pee you were able to drink. HOT!

i'm on vacation seeing family and friends for another week but i will be back in SF next monday (sept 28). i'd love to squat in your face and spray my honey juice directly down your throat.

hope to see you soon, naughty sweetheart! xoxoxox andi

i wrote about this guy before, the one who looked un-dead, but ended up being really nice. but kind of gross as he bragged about all the chicks he attracted in china.

well, gonna go swimming again and have breakfast tacos and pillage the thrift stores.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

just keep working.

it felt great not to go to work today at that grubby whack shack. i didn't set an alarm, just woke up when my body felt like waking up. 9:30 today. drank coffee and whatnot, and then my co-worker angie (i mean ex-co-worker, i keep forgetting that we both got fired yesterday!) called to say that she and lily had booked a hotel in a nice part of downtown for the day and that if i wanted to go in on it with them i could use it too. so i put my ad up and booked two appointments, one at 5:15 and one at 7. i love when they are back to back like that with just a tiny bit of time in between to freshen up.

i went about my day, went to the gym, cleaned my house, read, made lunch. and then took the train downtown. i'm going to a wedding this weekend and i don't have anything to wear, so i looked for a dress for a few minutes. but i had gotten downtown too late to really look so i felt rushed and didn't find anything.

i got to the hotel about twenty minutes before my first appointment was to arrive. the room was nice. simple, but classy. i talked with angie for a bit. she was leaving to take an appointment at the hot tubs. 

right before my first guy came, i realized i had forgotten my ipod. this room, like a lot of hotel rooms nowadays, had a clock radio with a cable sticking out of them that you can plug an ipod into. but you need an ipod. duh. i texted my guy to see if he had an ipod.

he arrived. he didn't have an ipod, but he did have an iphone so we used that instead. i let him choose the music and he chose chris isaak. enjoyable for a few minutes, but then a little.... something. a little grating, maybe?

anyway my guy was nice, but hard of hearing so once he took out his hearing aids it was a little boring. i tried talking to him a bit but you really had to yell in order for him to hear anything, and dirty talk-yelling just feels crazy. plus i didn't want hallway passersby to hear. so it was mostly just quiet. the guy's skin was bad. super pimply. excessive backne. i didn't like touching it. but he was so nice and seemed to be having a good time so i tried to put it out of my mind. when i turned him over, he wanted a lot of body-on-body massage, but he had drizzled pre-cum all over himself and i didn't want to slip-n-slide in it. blech. so i just put my pussy in his face and gave him a really enthusiastic jack-off and he came and we were done with it.

oh! do you wanna know a funny thing about this guy? when i told him where the hotel was he seemed really put out and complained that it would be hard to find parking. i didn't want him to cancel so i told him i'd give him a discount for parking money. then when he got there, he told me that he'd had to pay ten dollars, so he took it out of my donation. he was already getting the "new client" special (which is $20 off). what a cheapskate. to nickel and dime a working girl. jeez.

my other client was a very good-looking asian guy with a wild asymmetrical haircut that would've looked choady on most guys, but worked on him because his hair was just thick enough and coarse enough and black enough to pull it off. of course, he was wearing an ed hardy t-shirt, which sort of cancelled out the good hair.

this guy also had an iphone. he chose thievery corporation for us to listen to. i hadn't heard much of them before, but i really liked it. i made a mental note to download their album for massage purposes only.

after he got the music sorted, i asked that we take care of the business before the pleasure. as the guy was handing me a money envelope, he confessed that this was his first time doing this sort of thing. i didn't really believe him, but then again maybe i did. i'm still not sure, but i ultimately don't really care one way or the other.

he took a shower and then i massaged him. as if to make up for the first guy, this guy's skin was probably the smoothest skin i've ever felt on a guy. it felt nice to the touch. when it was time for the sexy part, he was super receptive and it was easy to make him happy. his dick had looked very small when he undressed, almost pediatric in its flaccid state. but it was a grower, not a shower. it became totally average, even on the big side of average, when he was excited.

we finished up and i put him back in the shower. when he left i realized that i hadn't looked in the envelope he'd handed me. i panicked a little, i never forget to count the money. but inside were two crisp $100 bills. rad! i was so happy that he didn't take me up on the new client special and, instead, tipped $20.

after the guy left, i tidied up the room, tried to make it look like no monkey business had taken place there. and i texted angie to tell her i was leaving. she was down the hill, at sephora. i stopped in on my way out of downtown. she was trying on makeup and seemed really at peace being surrounded by the things that she loves. she said that she was experiencing inner turmoil, though. she said at first her reaction to being fired was "fuck you guys anyway!" but that now that the reality of it set in, she was hurt and bummed. "i liked the consistency of it," she said. i told her i could relate.  "it was predictable," she continued. "not how many clients you'd get or how much money you'd make, but just the environment of it. it was your job and you went to it, you know? and you had your little spot where you kept your makeup bag. and around the corner was where you got your lunch after you made some money."

"i know," i said. "i feel a little bummed about that, too. but i also feel so relieved. do you?"

"yeah," she said. "those was some CRAZY BITCHES!"

we hugged goodbye and then sky came to pick me up and we went to a friend's birthday party. on our way i was telling him how i made some money and i was so relieved that i wouldn't have to be penniless on our trip. he said, "it's funny how you got fired and just kept working."

i guess it is kind of funny, but i mean what else do you do? i woke up broke and now i have a bit of money. you just keep working.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


welp, i got fired today. and you know what, the funny thing is that even though i am totally broke, i am also experiencing a sense of relief. i hated that dump. and i hated those lumpy couches. moreover, i hated my crazy pimp bosses.

here's what happened. today was my day off. i slept in till 9:30 and it felt amazing. i love a day where i'm on my own schedule. i putzed around my house till noon, thoroughly enjoying the feeling of absolute leisure. i drank a lot of coffee, ate some almond butter and jelly waffles, and rode my bike to the gym. i was feeling happy and relaxed. and then when i was locking up my bike i got a call from gigi.

first, she warned me that this was going to be an uncomfortable conversation. and then she said, "do you know what a nanny cam is?"

fuck. fuuuuuuuuck.

"yes," i said. "i know what a nanny cam is."

she launched into the meat of it. she claimed to have installed a nanny cam several months back, but it didn't record visual, only audio. she had months and months of tape and recently has been feeling like "something was rotten in denmark," in regards to the envelopes (that we put in the freezer at the end of our shift with the house cut in them). so she listened to the tapes, seven hours of them all in one day (yesterday), and she realized that everyone was stealing from her. she went on and on about how she had to loan jane $12k so she wouldn't lose her house (which explains a lot about their dynamic, btw, wherein jane is totally gigi's bitch). and how they've been losing so much money on this business venture and have grown suspicious. etc. and it's like: hello we're in a recession, of course it's slow. but anyway on and on and on.

i knew it was over for me, then. i didn't feel like there was any point in even denying it, but i also didn't want to super fess up. a vague blanket statement was in order so i was like, "yeah. it's terrible."

quiet again for a long time. she said, "yeah. there's not a lot to say is there?"

i felt like: fire me. just say the words and get it over with. but she was quiet. so i said, "okay. well. i'm sorry. i guess i should make arrangements to come and collect my things?"

she seemed surprised. she said, "oh. well do you think this relationship is salvageable? do you think you're worth taking a second chance on?"

i'm really in a bad way right now in terms of money, it's been so slow the last couple of weeks. and i knew i should make a case to try and keep my job. but i've really been unhappy the last month or so and i feel like it can be directly attributed to working for crazy people who harass me all day long. and i've not been making money lately anyway. so it just seemed pointless. i said, "what do you mean?"

she said, "well do you think if i were to keep you on you could play by the rules?"

i said, "um. well yes."

and then she wanted to know who else would be worth not firing. i said, "i don't know. i kind of like everyone who works there. i don't think anyone's been under-reporting a lot more than anyone else." (which isn't true. some people never write ANYTHING down.)

she started pumping me for details, then, wanting to tell me who were the worst offenders and who did it hardly ever. i told her i didn't want to discuss anyone but me. and i was so stressed out i can't really remember how we got off the phone. but my feeling was that i didn't give her the information she wanted, so i was still fired and i felt kind of relieved.

i went into the gym and worked out. then went to whole foods. and when i was eating, jane called and un-fired me. at first she only wanted to un-fire me if i would agree to be her "eyes and ears," around the house--i.e. her snitch. no way, i said, not my style and totally not worth it. but then she un-fired me anyway as long as i would agree not to steal ever again.

so then i went home and was filled with dread about having to go back there in the morning, and not wanting to, but knowing that i HAD TO since i'm so broke.

an hour later, though, i was at the laundromat and gigi called and re-fired me. she said, "i just don't think i can work with you any longer." i breathed a sigh of relief and said, "i feel the exact same way about you."

i tried to work out a time with her to get my bag and then she randomly put kat on the phone, who agreed to bring it over to my house if i gave her some gas money.

somehow kat managed to evade being fired. even though she's one of the worst offenders. but i don't care, i wouldn't want her to not have money. when she came over she looked so cute. she had on a white top and tight chubby girl jeans. she's really just such a pretty girl. a total fox. she brought my big bag and had also gone to the weird trouble to grab my diet cokes out of the fridge. i thought that was really sweet.

i felt sad giving her a hug goodbye. i will miss seeing her. ...naked. haha just kidding. i will just miss seeing her. i really really like her. she was telling me the other day how her boyfriend of 7 years had stopped kissing her, that it started when she had a cold once and then just never started back up again. it really bothers her, she says, so she's been trying to get him to make out with her again. and for the last week or so, he's been giving her kisses. i couldn't imagine. i felt so sad when she told me that. i would make out with her all day every day if she was my girlfriend. DUH.

so. she drove away and i came upstairs and promptly mixed one of the diet cokes with jack daniels. i never have whiskey in the house but my throat was feeling sore last night so i bought some to make a hot toddy with. i didn't have a cinnamon stick so the hot toddy wasn't that good. but this whiskey and diet coke i'm sipping on is treating me real nice.

oh man! what am i gonna do now? i hate looking for a job. and i don't have any money! ARG.

Monday, September 14, 2009

someday, i'll buy my mom a real yorkie.

today was another slow day, but at least jane wasn't there!

yesterday i did a drop in with a regular of mine who is a chef. he's really nice, the only thing i don't like about him is that his hands smell very strongly of onions. other than that, though, he's ideal: polite, clean, receptive, easy to get off. i think i've written about him before, but i don't remember. anyway 

i liked dropping in on a sunday, the house was very quiet. it was just one girl working, luisa, who i like a lot. she's always really busy because she's a tall model, but i guess even her business is down because she only had three appt's yesterday and usually she'd have like 5 or 6. 

it was probably good that she didn't have that many clients because luisa was kind of a mess yesterday. she had a tiny little cut on her hand and was worried about getting cum in it. i told her she should just use her other hand, exclusively. (the more obvious solution, wearing a glove, is also the quickest way to lose a lifelong customer and so was pretty much out of the question.) she asked me whether she could get an STD if she accidentally got cum in her cut. i hated to admit that i really wasn't sure whether that could happen. i'm pretty sure i napped through that whole series of sex ed filmstrips.

in addition to her cut, she was sporting a swollen ankle. when she showed it to me, she prefaced it with "now, you might not be able to tell that it's swollen, but i think it might be." i took one glance and could clearly see that it was almost TWICE as big as the other ankle. i told her she needed to ice that shit and stay off it. she was like, "oh, i'm glad you can tell it's swollen. i knew it. i'm totally not crazy!" she had fallen while hiking with a guy friend the day before and when she complained that her ankle hurt a lot and was swollen, he somehow convinced her that it was fine.

a. what a jerk, and
b. i TOTALLY cannot picture luisa hiking. like: at all. she's just a skinny little twig of a thing. so skinny, in fact, that i don't know how she doesn't constantly faint from low blood sugar. i've worked entire shifts with her where i've not seen her eat even one bite of food. once in a while she'll have a yogurt or a few pre-packaged apple wedges, but that's pretty much the extent of it. i am so obsessed with food that it's hard for me to imagine how she can go all day long without eating. but then i think back to a time when i was, myself, a skinny twig. i'm still slender, but i used to weigh a good 15 lbs less, which is scary for me to even picture now. anyway, when i hardly ever ate anything i just stopped being hungry. but i often felt weak and dizzy, and i don't think i could have massaged big dudes all day long like that.

so. after my drop-in, i chatted with luisa a bit, forced her to ice her ankle, and did some tidying up. when i left, the apartment was totally tidy. it looked as good as that dump can look.

this morning when i came in, however, the place was a disaster! and i know it wasn't luisa who messed it up so much because she's fastidiously tidy. it was either yala or lily for sure. yala comes in at all hours and takes appointments, and just makes a huge mess. but she doesn't cook or eat in the house, really, and this mess was foody, like a dirty pan and some plates. and empty pop cans, and one of my diet cokes that i had put in the fridge with a little note saying "mandy's: please don't drink," so i was totally sure it was lily. who, you might remember, was fired but who still works there when no one's around. 

anyway, the crumbs everywhere, the plates, the neglected g-string on the floor were enough. but here's the thing that was the dead giveaway: a safeway deli bag with some crusty old chicken strips in it. WHAT A CARELESS PIECE OF EVIDENCE TO LEAVE BEHIND! those bags have a LABEL on them, saying the date and time of purchase. this one was sept 13 at 8:55pm. it made me mad to find that because what if jane had found it, instead? she's just finally starting to not come in every single day. this would have sent her and gigi over the edge because it would be proof positive that we come in at night and don't write things down.

so this morning i cleaned up the house a bit. threw the evidence away. recycled the cans, etc.  and then it was quiet. it was just me and milly, and the french girl martinique (marty). 

i sat on the lumpy couch for an hour or so, then since jane wasn't there, i decided to go for a walk to the baby gap to get some baby clothes for my brother and sister-in-law. their baby is due in one month! she's going to be SO CUTE!!! i want to go see her as soon as she's born.

i went up the hill to this bougie neighborhood by the water. too many rich people everywhere. i got a few really cute little things for the baby and then someone called for an appointment so i headed back to the house. on my way i saw this expensively dressed lady about my mom's age (50) walking her adorable little yorkie and i got SAD.

my mom is on facebook (along with my entire family, even my grandma!) and she's into this "yoville" thing lately. i think it's kind of like an easier version of second life or some bullshit. where your actual life isn't what you wanted it to be, so you're creating this virtual world where you can build up the life that you'd like to have. it seems like such a colossal waste of time to build up your life in this online game, when you could be taking that time and energy to better the life you're actually LIVING. but anyway, i digress. the sad part is that my mom has kind of a super depressing life. she's unemployed, disabled, always insanely destitutely broke, lost her apartment and now lives in this total shithole apartment in the very worst part of town with her ex-boyfriend (who is the dad of my youngest brother). it's a bummer over there. dingy, dank, unbearably cluttered, all the neighbors are hos and speed-freaks. not great. you get the idea: her life is a bit dismal. so she's gotten into this yoville thing and this morning her facebook status update read, "hELP ME AS i WANT YO $$ TO BUY A YORKIE." something about that just made me SO. SAD. she's always wanted a yorkie and now she's getting one, but not in real life--just in this internet game. 

and then there's the rich lady right in my face with her actual yorkie. 

lemons! it's all lemons sometimes!

so. i scrambled back over the hill and saw my client. nice guy. he had an unbelievable amount of moles on his back, but at least they were, for the most part, the flat kind. his pores were very clogged on his whole back. i used a lot of oil to avoid tripping out on it. i was glad when the massage was over. the guy grabbed me and gave me this giant bearhug as he was leaving. it felt nice to be totally squished for a minute. i wasn't expecting it but it felt cute.

then i kept waiting for my phone to ring and it didn't. marty was insisting on telling me all about her time at burning man, which took no work at all for me to tune out. her french accent's so thick that tuning IN is the hard part. i was thumbing through vogue and trying to watch "friends." she said, "do you like zis show, friends? some off my friend like it. but i don't get it." i told her it's not so much that i like it, but i'm just familiar with it and for that reason it can be comforting to watch if i'm feeling edgy. which i was, for some reason.

at 6:30 on the dot i jumped up and walked on down the hill toward home. and now here i am in my pretty place. i have tomorrow off, then i work again on wednesday, then i'm going to austin for a week! sky's going too! i'm excited.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


it was miserably slow all day. sally didn't even have one client, kat had one, and i had one.

my client was a regular. he's really sweet except that he's always trying to get me to let him go down on me. i can't deal. i don't want any dude mouths on my pussy. i've been very clear with him that it's just NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. EVER. but still he persists in asking in this whiney way that makes me want to hit him. other than that, i like him okay, though.

jane's got the idea that we're all a bunch of unskilled laborers around here and that's why it's been so slow. she's been sitting around the house giving us lectures on various topics, i tried to think of examples just now but can't because i tune her out so extremely. when she's not in the house, she's calling again and again and again all day long. today i counted and she called the house phone 5x, and then my personal phone 2x. for a total of seven phone calls.

after all of those calls, she came in. she brought in an instructional video on the art of anal massage, which she turned on and made us three girls to watch. parked on the lumpy couch with my two-workers, i felt like i was in some kind of crappy home-school program. in this kind of institutional setting, my inner wise-ass naturally comes out and before i knew it i was heckling the video's actors and making inappropriate jokes, to my co-workers' delight and to jane's annoyance.

i disliked watching the tape. i felt uncomfortable watching disembodied un-manicured hands massaging some guy's white doughy ass. and the sound effects were gross. don't i have to listen to enough male moaning and groaning already? SHUT UP, you know?

last night this old friend of mine was passing through town on a motorcycle trip and she texted me to see if she could stay the night. i've known her for 12 years, what was i gonna say, no? so of course i said she could stay. but i don't have a couch, so when people stay over they have to sleep in my bed with me. i'm very much a solo sleeper. i don't sleep well with people who are not my girlfriend. there are a few exceptions to this, but for the most part i very much dislike sleeping with people because i toss and turn and am constantly aware of this foreign body in the bed with me. plus it was friday night and i live on a loud busy street that's crawling with drunken revelers until all hours. so today i was tired all day and my fuse was a bit short in general. once jane arrived, all i could think about was how much i wanted to leave. finally 6:30 rolled around and i was out of there. and now i'm home. eating chocolate and drinking wine. gonna get drunk and pass out. goodnight!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

sometimes it's a lot of work.

today i worked with kat. i still find her to be incredibly sexy, although i think my crush on her is through. which is a relief because it was making me feel kind of sleazy.

i had two clients. the first one was an old white-haired gentleman we'll call Don. when i opened the door, i thought, "oh great." i don't mean to generalize, but it really seems like a lot of guys over 50 or so just have the world's hairiest bodies and the most unkempt pubic regions EVER. this guy turned out to be no exception. he was 70 if he was a day, and when he laid down on the table, i COULD NOT BELIEVE how hairy his back was. i've never seen anything like it. i mean, i have--but just random guys at the beach or whatever, not guys i have to TOUCH! to say that i was repulsed would be an understatement.

but what was there to do but just try and get through the hour? the first few minutes, i just thought "i can't do this! i can't DO this!" but i just tried not to think about it. and i did get through it. the guy was so nice and polite and genuinely pleasant that i actually stopped being grossed out after a bit. and the good thing about him was that even though his back was as hairy as an ape, his pubic hair was neatly trimmed. also he was easy to get off. also: he tipped me $60! what a sweetie.

after that i sat around for a million hours watching "medium" online on my computer. and then finally i saw this regular of mine, allen. i don't ever see him during the day, only at night after everyone's gone. i don't ever write him down in the book. he's so much work i'd never see him if i didn't get to keep the entire amount. it just wouldn't be worth it for $110 (or $100, depending on whether i'm running a special).

so. allen. i actually decided this evening that this was our last session together. he's just too much work.

allen's this stocky korean guy. he's 34. he's in really good shape and could easily get a girlfriend if he wasn't so busy at work. i used to really like him, but today i came to the end of my rope with him. he's always trying to get me to let him go down on me, or asking me if i'll blow him, or trying to get me to let him "thigh fuck" me (BARF). i have told him repeatedly that i'm just not into it, it's not my jam, never gonna happen, etc. i am sick of him asking.

but the thing about him that i really can't deal with is that he just takes FOR-EVER to get off. and even though he always goes over-time, he never tips. most guys don't tip and it's totally fine, but this guy is so much more work than everyone else, and he takes more time. so he should know to tip. also he's too sentimental. he's always saying he likes me so much. it freaks me out a little. anyway, i don't want to deal with the monotonous dread of having to jerk him off again. ever. we're through!

and now i'm home. drinking a glass of wine and writing this to you. good night!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

the saxophonist and the wrestler.

oh, i forgot. the other day when it was slow i did finally get two clients and i wanted to write about them because they were both totally bizarre.

the first one brought his own music, which was the first sign that he was going to be interesting. it was world/jazz/new age music. hard to describe, but i really liked it a lot. the guy was super in-shape. i asked him whether he was a yoga enthusiast. as soon as i said that, i decided that he was actually the kind of guy to do tai-chi, not yoga. he said, "nope. tai chi." and i could TOTALLY picture him, shirtless, in a crowded park practicing tai chi and emitting wild new age sexual vibes next to the playground.

so. i did the massage. he talked a lot about being a saxophonist, about all the different world beats he enjoyed, about going out dancing a lot (hard to picture him in a club). and then came the time for flipping him over and getting down to business. he started moaning from the second i touched his cock and then was, like, sing-moaning the whole time. it was So Gross. he was kind of doing this conducting thing with his hands for a while there. also he did this tiger thing where he roared and batted at me with his "paws."  when he came (at long last) he pretended that it lasted for like six entire minutes. seriously. he kept going through the whole rigamarole of experiencing an extended orgasm, and then calming down, and then being wholly surprised by a giant aftershock, which he'd surf loudly before starting the whole who-ha over again. and he was still intermittently being the tiger. i knew he wanted me to keep my hands on him, go through this charade with him but i wasn't up for it. i washed my hands, put my dress on, drank a glass of water. finally he decided it was time to like back, spent, and talk about how great that was. i said "yes that was fantastic. i'm starting a shower for you now."

the next client was super nice. jumpy at first, though, which freaks me out a bit. i'm like LIE DOWN. anyway he was a big beefcake with a super thick michigan accent. his shoulders were all fucked up because of his WRESTLING hobby. how strange and cute. i thought this guy was just kind of a big hunky dum-dum, but then he started talking about how he got interested in wrestling as a way to let off steam while he was working on his phD. it's funny how super-smart people can seem really dumb sometimes. maybe he'd just learned how to take the slow road. anyway when it came time to jerk him off, his cock got HUGE. i'm telling you it was one of THE MOST GIGANTIC cocks i've ever seen in my life (and i have, as you can imagine, seen many). it was freakishly huge. like B I G. he was very responsive and easy to get off. nice guy. the interesting thing was how he talked about wrestling, although now i can't remember what he was saying. sorry.

okay that's all. back to my days off!

Friday, September 4, 2009

the reading rainbow gets sexual.

so. it seems that jane has become a permanent fixture of this here job. boo hoo. boo hiss. it feels kind of gross to have someone hogging the lumpy couch all day, just sitting on their ass waiting for you to make money for them. what a slug.

there was a nice hour of morning today, though, before she came in. it was just me and the new girl jenny. it was quiet. i was glad because i had such a stomachache today.

my first client was a HELLLLLLLLLA geeky chinese guy who was a little cross-eyed when he took off his glasses, and he had these oversized bugs bunny teeth. he was really interesting to talk to. i liked him a lot. he brought me a gift of 35 pages of data he's collected and catalogued about fbsm (how to, different cock stroking techniques, etc.). he said he knew i was a bit new and might find it useful. i thought that was very thoughtful.

this guy and i had a lot to talk about. he reads a lot, like i do, and we've read a lot of the same books. i have read a lot of contemporary chinese fiction, though, and he hasn't read ANY because he said he felt weird reading it in english, but doesn't speak (or read) chinese. but we share a lot of other favorite books. we both really like octavia butler, margaret atwood, neil gaiman, and william gibson. more litty sci-fi stuff. he convinced me that i have to go to comicon next year. i've been kicking the idea around for a while. but it was his description of it as "a burning man for geeks" that sold me on the idea. i think it would just be REALLY REALLLLLY interesting.

i told him how sky and i have decided to give the game "magic: the gathering" a try and he got so excited he nearly fell off the massage table. 

the next guy was a guy i'd seen before. really doughy. like absolutely no muscles. kind of yucky. and really handsy. i'm not going to see him again unless it's the slowest day in the world.

then another book nerd! this one wasn't as great as the first one, though, because he had this guilt-ridden story about how he's married and his wife hates sex and p.s. she's pregnant and is giving birth tomorrow. oh jeez.

but once i kind of dissuaded him from talking about that any more, he just talked a lot about how he's a writer and he writes a lot of screenplays and he loves writing them and reading them because they're really minimal. he'd read more books if books were more minimal, he's lost all patience for excessive description or slow-moving plots. i suggested he read raymond carver. it turns out that's his favorite author. he seemed pleasantly surprised that i have a brain in my pretty head. (fuck you but thanks for the money and please keep it coming.) he said, "what's your favorite raymond carver story?" i told him i really liked "will you please stop talking please" and "cathedral." his favorite two as well. i asked him what was his favorite non-raymond-carver book. without hesitation, he said, "the shipping news." which is one of MY top 3 favorite books of all time. i didn't tell him that, though--i didn't want him to think we had a love connection. yeah. so he was nice.

and then it was night-time and as i was walking home i was so exhausted and hungry and nothing sounded good to eat except for something i haven't had in a REALLY long time: a taco bell bean burrito. i'm pretty disgusted that i gave in to that thoroughly random temptation. it was kind of insanely delicious, though, if you really want to know. i got it without the cheese and with guacamole. totally grody. and yet.

three days off now! woo hoo.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

i'm at work today and jane's here again. i think she's going to be here a lot now, which fills me with dread. 

everything she does gets on my nerves. her need for constant interaction. her bossy micro-managing. the smacky chewing sounds she makes when she's eating her bagel and cream cheese. the way she always complains about having a stomachache after her bagel and proclaims that she's gonna stop eating gluten and dairy. her excessive throat-clearing. her too-loud voice. the way she talks through her yawns. in fact, even her face totally makes me uncomfortable.

i'm trying to start over with her in my mind, like give her a fresh start so that i don't cringe when i look at her or hear her voice. i don't know if it's going to work. i tried that with my step-dad when i was in high school but he kept doing things to wreck it so the whole project failed miserably. i went to college and never saw him again until a couple of months ago at my brother's wedding. i tried to be generous with him but i found him almost as annoying as i had as a kid. but maybe, maybe with jane it will be different? maybe there is a reset button that i can press to spare myself from the terrible feelings of SUPREME ANNOYANCE i feel when she's around. i'll let you know how it goes. i actually decided to press "reset" with her, and then she asked me to unload the dishwasher and micro-managed the folding of the clean towels so i had to press it again.

i have a feeling i'm gonna have to just keep on pressing that button all day. like the button on "LOST." haha.

oh, man: lily got fired. she got caught taking appointments without writing them down and when gigi came in to yell at her about it she also found condoms in the garbage. it wasn't so much the condoms, because i don't think gigi cares WHAT you do as long as you're making her money. but getting caught taking appointments without paying the house is obviously the quickest way to get fired around here.

so. bummer about lily. what's also a bummer is that they told everyone else that she was fired before they told her. that's pretty shitty.

omg. so. i'm sitting here right this minute trying to write and here comes jane. she just went to the bathroom and could hear music from the massage room upstairs. she goes, "Oh My God." and that of course, makes you have to say, "what?"

she goes, "there's just this certain songs, you know...," (launching into long story here, i wish there was a way to avoid it. please shut up please shut up) "there are just certain songs that are just really meaningful with me and my boyfriend. like these two enigma songs, and i just heard one of them coming from upstairs. and it's just like, whoa, you know?"

"out of context?" i offer.

"yeahhhh. i guess that's what it is."

and then as luck would have it, she actually left it at that and stopped talking. thank you, jane. thank you very much. see now? was that so hard.

gigi's been hassling me about getting new pictures so i told her i was having a photo shoot when i was on vacation in my hometown, and then when i got back she wanted the pictures but of course i didn't have them since there wasn't really a photoshoot.  so sky came over last night and took some pictures of me. they turned out pretty cute, actually. i'll show you this one because you can't see my face at all and you know, i want this blog to be kinda anonymous. :)
the other ones were WAY CUTE, though. and still my phone hasn't rang at all today. it's so weird how that happens sometimes. oh ho hum.

time for my mantra: money is attracted to me. money can't wait to get in my pockets. money wants to hang out in my louis vuitton purse. money wants to have hot sex with me.