Thursday, April 28, 2011


will someone please make me these shoes? i need them. i'm not good at making shoes. i wear size 8 in stripper shoes, size 6 in converse. if you make me these shoes, i will give you 3 lapdances and a pair of panties if you so desire. or i will just say thank you. either way.


it's raining a lot and very cold today, but i'm making new summer clothes. when the sun comes, i'm gonna be ready for it!

Monday, April 25, 2011

a tale of two dykes

dykes are just like everybody else: sometimes they are awesome customers, sometimes they suck. last night i had one of each.

first was the bummer one. she looked like the poet eileen myles, except not hot. same hairdo, she was even wearing clothes that eileen would wear, like plain well-made clothes that fit nicely and feature some subtle bit of flair. so as you could imagine, i was hopeful at first. but this woman turned out to be a pain in the ass. first of all, she didn't tip even one dollar during her THREE HOURS sitting in the club. she just sat against the back wall with a lascivious grin on her face the whole time, and whenever she'd get up to pee or just take a tour, she'd walk past the stage and say things like, "oh the things i'd do to you...." so. all of that was fine, whatever. but the thing the kept doing that was really annoying was that she'd zero in, try with intensity to achieve eye contact, and then make this spinning motion with her index finger, indicating that she'd like to see more pole tricks. i imagined her making similarly master-ish hand motions when she wanted her dog to roll over, and i made a mental note to not even do ONE pole trick as long as she sat there. but then i was bored and i forgot and did a couple, and she hooted and hollered, "that's what i'm talking about!" and then i remembered to be sure and keep both heels on the floor for the rest of the night. FUCK OFF.

the other dyke came in as the first one was leaving. she was with a sweet hipster boy who pops in sometimes. he checks the club's website to see when i'm working, which i think is cute. anyway his lezzie friend wasn't hot, but was a great customer. sat at the rack for a long while, tipping fives and saying how pretty my hair is, and what well-defined calf muscles i have. i'm not mad when people pay me sweet/odd compliments, particularly when they're paired with $. when i wasn't on stage, she came over to me at the bar and goes, "wow! you're tiny in real life." that struck me as so funny. i got this image in my mind, like the stage is a little diorama tv set where i'm a giant dancing doll, but then when i climb out of there, i'm my tiny self again. that kept me entertained for the rest of the night, actually, climbing in and out of my tv set dollhouse stage.

well, so long for now. i'm gonna go buy some new shoes! it's almost summer!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

happy easter.

things have been going just fine. not amazingly, just really really O.K., so i haven't written. because that's not super interesting.

last week i didn't work for 6 days straight. it was really nice. my grandma was in the hospital getting her cancerous kidney removed and so i was able to spend a lot of time with her since i wasn't working. a weird thing happened when i went to see her the first day she was there. she was staying in the recovery wing of the hospital and there are these huge windows. she was kind of out of it, and she started naming off all the different family members, in order of age, i'm not sure why. and then after that it was quiet for a long time. i was sitting next to her bed, looking out the window at the spiky criss-crossing tree branches outside and i suddenly had the distinct feeling of having been in exactly that spot before. a hugely sad feeling washed over me.

i have several aunts, but there's one who is my favorite and she was sitting on the other side of my grandma's bed. we've always had random synergetic moments (is that the right word? when you're thinking/feeling the same thing as someone else without trying to, like your energy is blending together into a shared thought?). anyway she looked over at me as i stared out the window and she goes, "you know, that time you were in this hospital for your eye, your room was either this one or the one next to it."

i said, "i remember."

she goes, "it was so sad. your mother didn't come. we didn't know where she was. and they wouldn't let any of us stay the night with you, so we stayed as long as we could, but then we had to leave. we were walking down the hall and you were saying gramma? aunt kathy? aunt amy?"

i said, "you guys didn't even turn around. i was really scared, i didn't understand why you were just leaving me here."

"we couldn't turn around. they wouldn't let us stay, and we just had to leave. i can't believe you remember that. you were only three."

crazy how a smell or a place can take you right back. luckily i don't remember a lot about that ordeal, just being alone there and afraid, and then waking up and looking at those tree branches all day with my good eye.

i got really mad and sad, thinking about my mom and how she was such a fuck-up that she ignored an ordinary case of pink-eye until it was so gross and infected that my whole face was swollen and red, and my eye was bulging from its socket and almost had to be removed. and then to not even come to the hospital to see me? who DOES that? and who gives a little kid back to that kind of mom? arg. crappy.

anyway. that was a bit of a downer tip. but that's what i did this week, hang out in the hospital and get all bummy.

my grandma's gonna be ok! so that's the good news. and i worked last night but nobody was very interesting. except for one super dorky charmer from connecticut.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

biker birthday party

tonight i worked a mid-shift at the club and afterward i did a strip-o-gram for a bunch of bikers way out in east vancouver. i thought it was just regular vancouver, where you hop on I-5 and are there in a jiff, but it was actually kind of far.

i have been thinking about how it's kind of risky how i always go out on outcalls and one-girl shows by myself. i've been thinking it might be a good idea to get someone to go with me sometimes, and a while ago this boy i don't really know put a thing up on facebook saying he was broke and would do basically any kind of work. he seems nice enough, so i asked if he would ride out there with me and then just sit in the car while i did the show, and if i didn't come out in half an hour, come pound on the door. he was like, "sure." and i thought, "wow. this is how easy it is to take safety precautions. stoked."

so we drove out to the bikers' house. i got there and the wife of the birthday guy met me outside, paid me, and brought me inside. i should mention that the wife, peggy, was super rad. her husband works all the time, and has never had a birthday party even ONCE in his adult life. that just about broke my heart.

their house was pretty bitchin'. it was like a clubhouse, all kinds of harley davidson decorations, several stocky, well-behaved pitbulls, a lot of food and booze, and a bunch of cute biker dudes. i was immediately able to pick the birthday boy out of the crowd because he was wearing a t-shirt with a sparkly "50" on it. i went up to him and wished him happy birthday, and said i was a friend of peggy's from work. he was like, good to meet you, etc. and i said, "did you already open all your presents?" he was like, "haha this party is my present!" and i said, "but didn't you have even one to open?" and he said no. i was talking super close and being overly friendly and touchy, which made him blush and also seemed to puzzle him a tiny bit.

i said, "i think there might be one present for you to open." i took his hand and wrapped the belt of my trenchcoat around it, then spun away from him so it came untied. he looked REALLY surprised to see that i was almost naked underneath. he hadn't seemed to suspect that i was a stripper AT ALL. i love when people are surprised! it's so rad!

so then i gave him a lapdance, let him lick whip cream off of me, do body shots, etc., and before i knew it, the agreed-upon 20 minutes was done. all the people at the party were great tippers, and fun in general. the birthday guy said to me, "you made my birthday! thanks!" and when i was leaving peggy gave me an extra $50 tip. sweet.

i made more money in 20 minutes than i made in my whole shift last night at the club. AND it was more fun. rad.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

size matters

today i kept getting calls all day long from guys with no references. i don't see them because i don't want to be assaulted, arrested, or compromise my incall location. but after like 5 calls, i'd be lying if i said i wasn't tempted to just take my chances.

i ended up only having one client all day. he didn't have a ho reference, but he had an email address that was .edu, and gave me a website of the school where he works. his name, picture, and and email he emailed me from was all listed. plus he sounded really nice on the phone, which might sound weird to say. but i'm telling you: creeps usually sound... well, CREEPY. sometimes nice guys sound creepy, and sometimes creeps sound nice (hello ted bundy). but more often people sound the way they ARE. and so a positive intuitive response to this guy's voice, paired with his work website was fine.

additionally, his hotel was very near sephora, where i had some shopping to do.

so i went, and when i got there i was surprised to see that he was almost the same size as me! a tiny! he was cute and friendly, and i felt immediately at ease. the safe feeling i got from being almost the same size as this guy provided me a novelty glimpse into what it must feel like to be a larger woman. i used to work with this girl and she'd go on almost any outcall, she wasn't ever very nervous. she was tall and sturdy. she'd gotten into some scrapes but these stories usually ended with, "and then i punched him and took off."

i guess that's it for now. i'm so sleepy i can't take two breaths without yawning. goodnight!