Friday, July 30, 2010


so remember how i hate it when people tell me their dreams? well clearly i think i'm above the law because i keep subjecting you to mine. i've decided that i'm not gonna stop, but just so you know: i know.

last night i had a truly exhausting dream. you know those dreams where you need to pee or poop or masturbate and the whole dream is you trying to find an appropriate place with a little privacy and/or a receptacle? well sometimes i have those dreams but where i'm with a client and we need to find a place where i can jerk him off. i've had this dream about 5 or 6 times, with different clients, and the plot's always the same: i meet up with my client; i forget the keys to my studio; my client has TWO bulges in his pants: one is his dick about ready to blow its top, and the other is a cartoonishly gigantic wad of cash; both of these bulges want to make their way into my hands, if only we can find a private spot.

last night the dream was in a town that looked like puerto vallarta, warm and muggy, and full of alleyways and nooks and crannies. the client in my dream was one of my regulars: steve. we kept walking around and around and finally when we couldn't find anywhere we got a cheap hotel. i laid steve down on the bed and rubbed his back a bit, and then flipped him over and started jerking him off. no matter what i did he wouldn't come. i started dozing off so i went to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. when i came back steve had morphed into this girl i had slept with once, who had the exact same sandy blonde pubic hair, and the same sort of bored yet entitled sexual energy. it's weird when someone just lays back and waits for you to get them off, even when they're not paying you. i mean, there's topping someone, which is among my favorite things to do, but in that case the person is engaging with you, not just kicking back and waiting for you to service them.

so. steve was this girl. just laying there, waiting for whatever was going to happen to happen. i felt trapped. i climbed into bed and got to work. there's a lot more dream where that came from, but i'm going to spare you the details because it wasn't cute. needless to say, i woke up feeling worn out.

bummer dreams, go away!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

red rage, then snuggle timez

yesterday i worked and aunt flo had come to visit. she was taking up a lot of space and making me cranky. i don't like bleeding at work. especially when it's so gushy i can barely change my tampon fast enough.

did you know regular tampons are made from polyester and a tiny bit of cotton, and have little shards of fiberglass in them and bleach? i'm not into shoving that kind of stuff up my cooch, so i only use organic cotton tampons, which i usually stock up on from the free basket in the new seasons bathroom. but i didn't have time to visit the one new seasons with free tampons this go around and so i had to buy a box yesterday at whole foods. do you know that it's almost nine dollars for a box of 16 organic tampons? WHAT THE FUCK? if tampons were something dudes needed to sop up the biohazard that gushed out of them each month, you KNOW they'd be free. they'd just come in the mail every month, free of charge, more than you even needed.

annnnnyway work was slow. again. i forgot my book. so i was bored. my hair looked really good, though, and the girl i was working with had the most charming southern accent.

after work i biked to my sweetheart's house. i tried going over the pedestrian platform on the steel bridge but the gate was busted. AGAIN. i flew into a rage, yelling profanities as i lugged my bike up the stairs up to the bridge platform. i don't know who i AM when i get mad like that. like: really? am i really so angry about the city of portland neglecting the gate on their pedestrian bridge that i'm going to curse them out at top volume all the way up three flights of stairs? actually, now that i write it out it seems less crazy that i would get so mad. those stupid assholes should really should fix that fucking motherfucking gate, goddamn it. YOU try getting off your lazy ass and hauling your bike up all these stairs and THEN we'll see who's laughing. huh.

yelling and carrying on all the way across the bridge was pretty cathartic and when i finally got to my sweetie's house, i was a mellow lump who just wanted to be fed a snack and then hugged and kissed to sleep. i'm lucky to know a cute person who will do that sometimes for me. zzzzzzz

Monday, July 26, 2010

nom nom nom

i worked on saturday night. it was fun and lucrative. some friends of mine came in and that was strange but also rad. i had to pretend they weren't there otherwise i felt nervous. i sat down with them for a minute and had a cocktail. they said "why don't we come back when you're getting off so we can go to the fry cart?" i loved having that to look forward to for the rest of the night.

i ended up getting pretty drunk with my co-worker and some loggers. a good time was had by all.

it was so hot at work that i kept having to flat-iron my bangs over and over all night. they'd get sweaty and then scrunch up into unflattering curls. i dislike curly bangs. i also used A LOT of baby wipes over the course of the evening, owing to the fact that i was sweating like a pig.

then my friends came back and we went to the fry cart. i ordered a mini, but the fry guy told me i was too cute for a mini and gave me this giant thing of fries instead. sometimes people think they're doing you a favor when they're not. they were really fucking tasty, though. they have all these different sauces and ketchups you can choose. in line for fries, i ran into a girl i've known for many, many years but never really been too close of friends with. she was also just getting off work stripping. she goes, "hi! i made so much money tonight!" i knew i was supposed to say, "me too," so then she could say "how much?" and i could say, "$450," and then she could claim to have made a lot more than that. but i didn't take the bait. i just said, "that's great. what sauce are you getting?" she seemed annoyed. "poutine." she said.

after that i just came home and went to bed.

if you think of something interesting for me to write about, please do let me know via comment. i don't WANT to be this boring.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

survival instincts

yesterday was the slowest, longest day ever. i think i say that a lot, but in this case it's even MORE TRUE than usual. there were very few customers. never more than two or three at a time. somehow, i was in a good mood, though. i think i just didn't care. i was still feeling all blissed out from my camping trip. i did a couple dances for a guy named ahmed, he smelled like fancy cologne and was kinda grabby but not terrible. those were the only dances i did all day, as he was one of the only customers who came in.

i'm not going to work dayshifts anymore. i don't know why i keep making myself available to do so. i'd rather NOT work than work during the day when it's hot out.

since i wasn't busy, i just lolled around onstage to whatever random song i wanted to hear. and i made final revisions on my desert island food list.

on the way back from camping in california, we played car game where you pick the ten food or food items you'd bring if you were going to be stranded on a desert island for the rest of your life. here's what i decided on:

1. an orange tree. i don't want to get scurvy, plus i like orange juice.
2. chickens! i could eat their eggs.
3. oats. i'd have an oat-field? i wanted a grain, and oatmeal is so high in fiber, and i could make granola and oat-milk.
4. onions.
5. honeybees.
6. avocado tree.
7. broccoli. natures colon toothbrush.
8. an almond tree.
9. blueberry patch.
10. lentils! so high in iron. and protein. and also i could dry them out real nice and grind them up, ferment them, and make dosa quickbread/crepes.

and i'd have salt from the sea, also fresh fish. i bet the island would have a mango tree. and probably bananas. and a coconut tree. i could use coconut oil for cooking, drink coconut water, and make things with coconut milk.

you're probably thinking about things i've overlooked. it's okay because i'm not really going to be stuck on an island.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

show me the money.

work was boring yesterday. a bunch of metalheads came in and were profoundly bad tippers, but wanted to tell me how unbelievably fucking gorgeous i am. a lot. there were about ten of them and they all wanted me to know, which finally prompted me to yell the age-old adage at them: SHOW! DON'T TELL!

if i could fill my closet with "you're gorgeous," i'd have to fucking build myself a whole house of just closets. as it is, the only nice clothes i have anymore are the ones i make myself. and they are fabulous, but i'd like to BUY some once in a while too! and that takes money. scrilla. dough. bennies. come on.

after work i went to the movies with the person i date. i said, "god i only made $125 today." he goes, "that's what i made, too." and i felt bad for complaining. nontheless, i've clearly got to get an additional job at a fancier club. i've been putting it off, pretending it's not so. but mama needs several new pairs of shoes and some expensive dental work.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


i think i've mentioned before that i very much dislike when anyone i'm not dating tells me their dream. i feel like, "go tell your girlfiriend." if you are like me and can only tolerate lengthy dream-telling from someone to whom you are romantically obliged, then stop reading right now, my feelings won't be hurt.

i just woke up from THE worst dream. in the dream my mom has moved to some seaside town that looks a lot like manzanita, oregon. i'm there living with her temporarily, and my friend sky comes to visit.

well i have made the poor choice of going on some dates with a client, this greek guy with a thick accent and a bad temper. in real life, he's asked me out a few of times and the last time when i said no he told me i was making a big mistake and then he kicked the massage table on his way out. i have him on my "no" list now, and whenever i see that he's calling (which is hardly ever, thankfully) i feel nervous and scared.

okay. in the dream i had gone on two dates with him. not sure why. sky was visiting me and i was so happy, i'd missed him so much. we were sitting down to dinner at my mom's house, when this guy shows up uninvited. my mom had met him and thought he was great, ignoring me when i told her i wished i'd never gone out with him because now i was scared of him and he told me things like, "you're never gonna find another man like me. if you break up with me you'll be sorry." in real life, i can't tell her stories where i get my feelings hurt by someone i'm dating, because she is never ever on my side and will always tell me i should apologize and be careful not to make the person break up with me.

so when this scary guy shows up, she invites him in and has him sit down at the table with us for dinner. he's giving me scary looks and i'm just hoping he'll leave after dinner because i want to hang out with sky.

after dinner he doesn't leave. just hangs around forever being intimidating. finally he takes a long bathroom break. i grab sky and we sneak out the side door of my mom's house. we decide to go stay in the town's hotel, but the only way we can get there without this guy seeing us from my mom's window is to cut through the woods and then crawl on our bellies along the beach. the hotel is on the beach.

so we do this, and while we're walking through the woods we agree that that guy is a scary psychopath and i need to escape to texas with sky if i want any rest. we also talk about how fun it's gonna be to have a hotel room tonight. i'm feeling not scared anymore, but more like i'm on a fun romantic adventure.

we get to the hotel and we're laughing and happy. sky opens the door to our room, and i notice that there are all these greek guys hanging out in the room next door to ours, their door's open and they are watching us and sharpening their knives with flint. i become terrified and tell sky not to open the door, but he's already got it open and the scary guy is inside. he grabs sky by the neck and starts choking him and laughing. he's got some weird mallet-type weapon in his hand and he's hitting sky with it. i'm screaming and screaming and one of the guys from the room next door comes and starts choking me, too.

i wake up and there are tears all over my face. i feel shakey and sleepy, but scared to go back to sleep. i feel so sad, like deep in my belly sad. but i know it's not real, nobody choked my sweet buddy sky. he's okay. things are okay.

god it's hot. gonna go downstairs and lay on the couch. i can't sleep in here after that dream.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

yesterday was terrible

it was sunny and hot outside, and inside the club it was totally dead. i felt annoyed and miserable. my attitude was so bad i couldn't even be bothered to hustle the few straggly customers who came around. i left with $58. an all-time low money evening.

but today i got to go to the river! and it was super fun. i am sun-stricken now and tan as hell, on my way out to get drunk with friends!

Monday, July 5, 2010

home again

hi again. i flew back to portland on saturday and hung out for a bit and then went to work. i felt a little out of sorts but the night ended up being fun, almost like being at a party and getting paid for it. i like nights like that. there were a lot of nice guys and i liked the girls i was working with. i had some hot lovin before work and that put me in a pretty good mood. and also some coffee that was VERY STRONG (made by a non-coffee-drinker who was guestimating the proportions), which surprisingly didn't put me on edge, but instead woke me up in a way that felt pleasant and bestowed upon me a wild happy alertness.

another good thing was that i had new white shoes that i'd been saving for a decent shift, and i busted them out on saturday along with a new white g-string bikini. i wore a little mesh crop top over it and the bikini looked truly good shining out from under that tiny jersey. i sure do love a black light.

nothing too interesting to tell you. when things go well, they can be boring to read about. i made $600, which in portland bucks feels like even more. then i went and crawled into bed with a cute person who has a dark room and i was actually able to sleep till almost noon, which i'm very rarely able to do because my own bedroom is very bright in the morning. but this room was dark enough that i just slept and slept and i didn't feel all tired and cracked out the way i usually do the day after working super late.

the next day was the fourth of july, or the F of J as my housemate's ex-girlfriend kept saying. i didn' t get any hamburgers or hotdogs. but i did get to watch fireworks from the burnside bridge. that was pretty great. on our way off the bridge, there was a big dorky guy wearing an awesome vintage t-shirt that said something like "fantasy cabaret. male dancers," and had a picture of a beefcake fabio-type dude. i said, "wow rad shirt. too bad you have to take it off as soon as you get to work."

he goes, "what do you mean?"

quick jokes aren't funny if you have to explain them but i said, "well, if you're a male stripper at the fantasy cabaret, you'll have to STRIP out of your shirt when you get to work."

he goes, "oh! i get it! haha. wow i WISH i was a stripper. can you imagine just getting paid to dance all night? that would be so rad, don't you think?"

"yeah," i agreed. "it would be totally rad."

sometimes, it really is.

Friday, July 2, 2010


well, today was my last day down here for a while and i had hoped to work all day long, but i only saw one client. he was nice, a big blonde guy. oohed and ahhed to excess, i thought he was kidding at first. but turns out he was just enjoying himself and the sound of his own voice. i didn't mind. i like when people are happy.

so. tomorrow i go back up to portland. i'm pretty excited, although i will miss my solo abode here. i really like having a lot of time and space to myself. my subletter is returning tomorrow and that makes me a little sad because he's a slob and my apartment is such a cozy little palace. i hate to think of him eating dollar store food in my bed (he does this, btw! i know!). when i first got back here, i went to use a glass and it was filthy. and so i was going to wash it and there wasn't even a sponge! wtf. so gross. so i cleaned everything all nice and now he'll just grime it up again. oh well, he's moving out at the end of next month. and then: who can be sure what will happen.

i have a stomachache today, i mean i do almost always lately, but today's is particularly yucky feeling. plus my head hurts in a pressure-y way that feels worrysome to me. i don't want to be getting sick because i finally get to see someone cute tomorrow and possibly/probably get laid for the first time in TWO WEEKS. can't be sick! CAN'T BE SICK! cross your fingers for me, will ya?

no calls today

except for two guys who didn't have references. and then also a guy i have in my phone as "NO alex, CALLLLLS," because he just calls and calls and calls. i made appointments with him twice last summer and he didn't show up either time, but had a lot of lengthy excuses. now when he calls i just don't pick up.

today, for example, NO alex, CALLLLLLS called 12 times and left 7 messages. the first few were possible times he'd like to see me, and then messages to say actually his schedule has changed can i do 7:15 now instead of 7:10? and would i consider running a special today because i did that back in march and he was too busy to see me then. and okay so he hasn't heard from me but he knows where my studio is, so he'll just meet me there at precisely 8:25, unless he hears from me first.

annoying. stalker-ish. but it only happens once every other month or so, and totally not worth the seven dollars a month or whatever is is that it would cost to block him.

i'm hoping to be busy tomorrow. i want to buy a car, man!