Thursday, January 6, 2011


i'm so tired of working with this endless stream of new girls at work. the one i worked with on monday was super annoying. i mean, seriously. brand new, just started dancing a week ago. constant questions. non-stop talking. horrible outfits. no makeup. how did she even get hired? plus just constant rude interrupting whenever you're trying to make money. here's an example that will encapsulate the experience: i was sitting with this guy. he will buy several dances if you let him buy you a cocktail, then sit with him for a bit. he likes to be the one to suggest the dance, instead of having you ask. so you just sit for maybe two songs chatting, then he will buy at least 3 dances, often 6. anyway i was sitting with him at the bar having a hot toddy and the other girl was dancing. instead of trying to engage with any of the other customers in the place, she has to come over and interrupt my hustle, "ooh, what are you drinking?" she asks. i tell her, "a hot toddy." she goes, "oh. yummy. what's in that? can i have a sip?" it disgusted me to watch her drinking off my straw. it was, as my mom would say, UNCOUTH. but what could i do? the guy still did buy dances, but it was just annoying to have her right in my face.

i wish i could make this sign and post it in the dressing room, but i never would. so i'll just write it here instead:

so. you're desperate for cash, you have a vagina, and you think, "i'll give stripping a try," here is some advice for you, brand new dancer:

1. try slightly arching your back. hunching over the way you've been doing gives you grandpa butt.

2. please don't put your vagina on the pole.

3. please don't touch the pink parts of your vagina and then touch ANYTHING that i also touch.

4. no feather boas! please! the feathers get EVERYWHERE. and what is this, anyway, moulin rouge? you're not a burlesque star in a movie. just wear a cute outfit and learn to dance. also: a-rhythmic pelvic thrusts aren't hot! please stop doing that!

5. quit putting on hand lotion before your sets! everything gets greasy.

6. if i'm talking with a customer, wait till i'm done before you try and hustle him. HELLO. so rude to come up to a guy i'm sitting with and ask for a dance.


8. please go buy dancer shoes. it's just rude to wear street shoes on stage. i didn't even see you cleaning them with alcohol, you just wore them right off the street. i don't want to roll around in pavement grime. (plus they look terrible. those chunky 90's heels are ONE INCH HIGH. those are called "ugly flats.")

9. please don't wear ratty thrift store lingerie to work. it looks desperate. if the lace on your panties is pilly, it's not for work. if the bra used to be white and is now grayish, it's not for work. extra demerits for ratty SWIMSUITS.

10. please don't bombard your fellow dancers (ME) with tons of questions. i'll tell you where the bathroom is, give you a few helpful hints, but ultimately i'm here to make money, not to be your big sister/teacher/trainer. i'm not going to give you detailed instructions on how to hustle, teach you pole tricks, or chum around with you. be patient, watch and learn. LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES. you might be a really great stripper eventually, who knows, but for now you need to learn some things on your own, not all in one day FROM ME.

this is in no way an exhaustive list. but it's a nice start.