happy new year!

here's a post i thought i'd posted, but was actually just saved as a draft.

1/1/14

hi! haven't written in a while. sorry. i just haven't felt like it. anyway: hello! happy new year!

last night i worked and it was a very mediocre night. i had requested the night off but i was scheduled to work anyway and my boss has been extremely sick so asking her for things is generally frowned upon. i had been planning, in an uncharacteristic change of pace, to go to a mellow friend's house to have dinner and drink and dance in the living room and then have a slumber party and wake up and have new year's brunch. but. i canceled. i don't mean to sound pathetic, it wasn't actually a huge deal. a little sad but not earth shattering.

i made two glitzy new outfits and went to work and decided to have fun. nobody i like a lot was working. and all the customers were not that exciting. i made a decent amount of money and was so happy when it was time to go home. my friends were texting me from an afterparty, but i knew everyone would be wild on drugs and i've been partaking less and less. i didn't feel like waking up on new years day with a hangover or a sinus infection. plus, i had some pink champagne waiting for me in the fridge, and the world's cutest brand new kitten of all time. so i went home and snuggled with him and had a couple glasses of bubbly while i wrote down new year's wishes and goals. woke up today totally clear-headed and not even a teensy bit hungover. feels great!

last year, though, was WILD. allow me to tell you about it, because i don't think i wrote about it last year.

my favorite two coworkers and i all signed up to work together last year on new year's eve. we had a really good time and each made over a G, which feels like an appropriate amount for working a major holiday. when i got off work i was in a super great mood. i hadn't drank very much so i could drive to the party where all my friends were.

i rolled up and as soon as i was in the party i saw my friend H. she was super happy to see me, came up and yelled "ANDI!!! you're finally here!!!" her pupils were so dilated it's like she didn't even have irises. i wanted to be that high. H said, "go talk to that guy!" and pointed to a guy. i went over to him and instead of buying one pill, as i normally would, i was like fuck it! i'll take two. so i paid him and he handed me his cocktail to wash them down with.

right then, H was rushing toward me, but like in slow motion, with her arm outstretched. "NOOOOOOO," she said as she approached. "did you just take the whoooole thiiiiiing?!"

i thought it unwise to say i'd taken TWO whole things. "yes," i said.

she looked kinda panicked and, putting her arm around me, said, "um. that's ok! it's uh... ok! everything's gonna be fine. ...it's just that we all split them, because it's white lightning."

i'd never heard of that. i said, "isn't that moonshine?" but she didn't hear me because she had disappeared.

so then i wandered around a bit looking for friends. acquaintances kept saying, "YAY IT'S ANDI!" then disappearing. i went upstairs to the attic, to a room that was red and full of pillows. i laid down on my friend B. like, directly on top of her. we stayed like that for a little while, and i could feel myself getting really high. usually molly takes a little time with me. maybe 15 minutes? maybe half an hour? i've never timed it, but it's not usually right away that i start to feel anything.

i was squishing B, so i got off her. i wanted to go find H and my crew, but i could not find them, and as i looked for them, this weird guy started following me. i didn't like his ironic hipster mustache, it was so kidnapper-y. the party was in a huge 3 story house, and i was traipsing around to all the rooms, and this guy was hot on my trail the whole time, if i stopped he stopped. if i walked around a corner, he walked around a corner. at one point, i even squatted down and then popped up really quick, and he did the same. i said, "what?! why are you following me?"

"i like you," he replied. i was immediately certain that if i stayed at this party, this creep was gonna rape me. gut feeling. also i think the drugs were making me paranoid.

i was thinking, "i don't have a girlfriend. i don't have a girlfriend. i don't have a girlfriend and i can't find my friends and i am alone here and i am in danger." except i hadn't thought it, i'd said it aloud. yelled it, actually, because right then my friend Rachel was like, "i'm right here! you're fine!" but then she disappeared too. i high-tailed it out of the party. the guy followed me, followed me across the street to my car, and was trying to get in my car! i yelled at him to go away but he kept saying, "can't you drive me to oregon city?" when i started my car and let off the e-brake, the guy had the good sense to take his hand off the door handle and step back. thankfully.

i knew i shouldn't be driving. but i wasn't drunk, and cabs are impossible on new year's eve. i figured i probably had just enough time to get home before i peaked. so (i know! i know! this is bad that i drove while high on drugs. i won't do it again, and haven't) i drove like a model citizen, hypervigilantly aware of other cars and the speed limit and my proximity to cops.

i parked and went up to my apartment, and that whole time i was fine. when i opened the door to my apartment, though, it was like opening a lisa frank trapper keeper. all rainbows and twinkling dolphins. i closed the door. normal door from the outside. totally normal. i opened the door again, and it was the same thing, a technicolor lisa frank wonderland. i was amazed and bewildered, and stepped inside.

i had assumed that white lightning was just extra potent MDMA. but now that i was hallucinating wildly, i really didn't know what was up. it felt like acid to me. with the stimulant properties of molly, and the softness of that too, but with such a bright acid edge. i'll stop trying to describe, i'll just say i was higher than i've ever been on any drug ever in my life. i mean, just totally wild. i thought i was peaking, but oh man i was only 1/4 way up that mountain. also i should mention that i've taken another version of "white lightning" since then, and that was just strong molly. hard to know what things are when every drug has like a zillion different street names and incarnations.

so. once i was inside, the first thing i did was move my heavy table in front of my front door, like a barricade in case i thought it would be a good idea to go traipsing around out in the world as my drug trip progressed.

then i tried to vomit but couldn't. so i had no choice but to settle in for the ride. i was floating up so high, almost out of my body, so i decided to put on a movie to ground myself. i chose breakfast at tiffany's, which is high on my list of comfort movies. i laid down on the couch and got up and danced and laid back down and had visions and laughed at jokes in my head and just acted like a total crazy person. for the most part once i accepted the fact that i had no control, that there was no way to become less high till it was over, i had a great time. here and there things threatened to take a dark turn but i just steered them back to fun. at one point, i was laying on the floor watching a cartoon dolphin tank on the ceiling with stars and hearts and pink and purple and turquoise everything. i watched breakfast at tiffany's at least 4 times, and even though i know the movie by heart, unexpected plot twists were occurring. AND the best part was that the racist mickey rooney character didn't exist anymore. he's been totally written out.

at some point, hours after the sun had come up, i fell asleep. i had wild dreams and woke myself up yelling things a couple times, but eventually entered a deep and satisfying sleep. and when i got up for the day at 5pm, it was getting dark and i still felt kinda high. i went to my friend's bar and had a bloody mary and some black eyed peas. and i felt weird and loopy but find and so glad to be there, and excited about 2013.

xxo andi