so lonesome i could cry.

just got home from work. i feel crazy. i've said this before, and i am really feeling it again, how hard it can be to do sex work when you have no romantic life of your own. like your sexy forces are just flowing out from you, and nothing is coming back in (except MONEY, obviously). this one-way flow has been leaving me feeling sad and depleted. i mean, of course men are raining their sexual desire upon you, but being desired as an sex object and being desired as a romantic partner/actual person are so different.

i've had such a rough go of it these last two years. getting dumped by the person i thought was my person. and then not having sex or even making out with anyone for months and months. and then dating someone for a few months and liking her a lot, and thinking things were going well but then just randomly getting dumped again. and now so much more solo time.

right now i'm crushed on someone who wants to have sex with me sometimes, but not date me. she's being very communicative and clear, which is good. but though i am trying not to feel this way, i feel very into her and i want to date her. i need to decide whether i can keep doing a casual sex-only thing with her. i love being with her but to know we are having completely different experiences with each other feels a little sad, and disingenuous, and it's bringing up a lot of old feelings. i had sex with people for YEARS who just wanted sex, but when it came to dating thought they could do better or just do different. a lot of times i've actually thought i was dating someone, and it turned out i was just sexy filler until they could find a real girlfriend. over and over: good enough to fuck but not to date. i am a pretty self-aware person, but i really do not know what this is about. i have tried to figure it out, but the things i come up with are hard to accept-- like i cannot think it's because i am not a good person or that i don't have a lovable heart.

annnnnyway. i worked tonight and i was feeling super sad and bummy before work. and i was kinda of surly and unmotivated and so of course came home with hardly any money.

oh! and add to all this, there's this other girl i've had a crush on, and i've asked her out twice and both times she's said no. which is fine, i mean whatever. well she is looking for ways to make money besides getting a job job, and one of her ideas is to offer cuddling dates. she asked if i'd be interested in that, and at first i thought, "yes!" then, "wait, no!" and then i considered it for a minute because i would actually love to be snuggled by her. but no! i need to believe i can have cute girls cuddle me for free, if not today than at least eventually. i don't consider myself to be a customer. you know? nothing wrong with customers. in fact--thank god for them. but if i was going to pay someone to be intimate with me, i think it would need to be a stranger. and. i don't want to pay anyone.

god i am just whining now. and i'm basically falling asleep at the keys. so goodnight.