emo

hi. i haven't written in a loooong time. i got dumped again (same person, different year) and have been VERY BUMMED. and by that i mean morbidly depressed. i really LOST IT this time, i've never cried so much in my life--crazy crying, where you can't get anything done, and you cry so much you end up barfing. full emotional meltdown times over here. a full two months of it.

it's embarrassing to have that kind of meltdown over a lover. but i've never been as in love and i dunno, i just really thought i'd met my person who i was gonna be with for a long time (forever? eek?). i've always been guarded and withholding in relationships, but this time i feel like i put  *almost* my whole self out there, or tried to at least. to have someone know me better than anyone has EVER, and to not want me was (and still is) devastating. it brought all my feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness and unlovability to the surface. i felt like a walking wound, my heart literally, physically ached in my chest.

my co-worker saw that i was struggling and referred me to this spiritual healer. i went to see her and she led me through some visualizations and stuff that really worked in terms of closing up my heart chakra till it's healed a bit. my chest stopped hurting immediately, and that raw feeling got less intense. i wouldn't say i'm feeling "better," but i have gotten to a point where i am able to dissuade myself from lying on the floor all day blowing my nose on my nightgown.

from a work standpoint, heartbreak sure is a moneymaker. i've written about this before, how guys just cannot get enough of you if you seem broken and vulnerable. i wasn't able to wear eye makeup to work for several weeks because my crying jags were unpredictable and i never knew when i'd need to go hide in the bathroom for a bit. i think i look younger or easy or something without makeup because CHA-CHING, dude.

so. the moral of this story is that i'm getting back on my feet emotionally and starting to get things done like writing and sewing and cooking normal meals for myself. and also that a bedraggled, puffy-eyed stripper is just irresistable so don't be afraid to take off that snot-covered nightie and go to work after an emo day, girls, if you can force yourself to do so.

xo andi