holy underwear

last night in my dream, i was walking to work and i happened to pass by my old church. there was a free box on the steps so i stopped to rifle through it. there were a bunch of old dolls that were flat on the back and meant for hanging on the wall. i really wanted to take one home, i love old dolls, but each one was too scary looking in her own special way. i dug a little deeper in the free box and among the old crappy gap sweatshirts and dingy thermal underwear, there was a PERFECT little lingerie set that was pink with black and white polka dots. the bra was a 34A and the undies were small and ruffly with garters attached to them. DREAMY. the set screamed "quality!" i wondered if it was from the elle macpherson collection, but the tags had been removed. anyway it appeared never to have been worn. i crammed it in my purse, and kept walking to work. it tickled me that i was going to be wearing a fancy set from the church free box to roll around on stage at a strip club.

kittenz

yesterday i was having a really good hair/makeup day at work and then when i got off i went downstairs, washed off all my makeup, put my hair in a ponytail, and put my regular clothes back on. i happened to be wearing a purple sweatshirt with big-eyed kittens on it and skin tight acid washed jeans. to get from the dressing room to the front door of the club, you have to emerge at stage right and then parade in front of all the customers. last night i learned that leaving the stage as a foxy sex kitten and then reappearing later as a dorky ponytailed cat-lovin twelve year-old is good for a laugh. the club was completely full and i swear every single person did a collective double-take followed by an eruption into laughter. good thing i have a sense of humor otherwise i may have felt badly.

full moon

things got off to a slow start last night. there were, like, NO customers for the first hour. a girl i work with had come in for a glass of champagne before meeting up with her boyfriend, who works for melissa etheridge, who is in town. we said, "get him to bring her over!!!" then she left after a bit and since there weren't any customers we texted her a lot with our pleas. stranger things happen there all the time, so it wasn't a total stretch to think that melissa etheridge would be comin to my window at any moment over the course of the night. i found myself watching the door for her.

i worked with the foxy ukrainian girl again, and her outfits were even more fancy than ever. she's fun to work with. she's usually in a really good mood. the other girl i worked with was super cute but was in a weird mood where she seemed to feel that everyone had it out for her, cheap bastards. she collects her tips between each song and when there aren't enough of them she says, "thanks for TIPPING," in an pointed tone of indictment. but the weird thing is that she says it in the exact same tone of voice even when people actually ARE tipping. it's confusing.

around 10:30 things started to pick up. i met a guy with super cute chubby cheeks. he was with an insanely drunk bald guy who was acting crazy. the chubby cheek one kept threatening to call a cab for the bald one if he didn't settle down. then the bald one would go, "i'll call your MOM a cab," and then he'd die laughing while the chubby one looked on in disgust.

i got cheeks to buy a few dances and he was fun to dance for because he was clearly having a good time. i told him he was a cute snuggle bear. he said he was really sick of hearing that. i bet chubby guys get that all the time. the look on his face reminded me of when i used to tell my baby brother how cute he was and he'd say, "i'm not CUTE ANYMORE! i'm COOOOOL!" such an adorable exasperated look, which really only made him look cuter.

for the hour of 11 to 12, there was a tough looking dude sitting at the tip rail BARELY TIPPING, and yet with thuggy body language taking up THREE SEATS. this isn't the junior high lunchroom, and this isn't your table. go work out your shit elsewhere.

eventually cheeks and his drunk friend wedged in on either side of that dude. he wasn't pleased and told them to "move along." they laughed at him and he finally went away.

cheeks' drunk friend got way too drunker and he randomly got up from his chair and just stood there at the rack staring off into space. i go, "are you okay?" he didn't respond. then cheeks goes, "ooohkay, we're leaving now," and then the drunk guy goes, "shut up fatty! you're such a retard!" then he tried to sit back down but tripped over his chair and dropped his entire wad of cash on my stage. lots of it dropped on the floor, too, and in an effort to make it look like he'd done all of this on purpose, he bent over and scooped all the fallen money up and threw it onstage too. STOKED. it was probably only about $50, but rad nonetheless. then they left but came back later for a bit, got in a fight, and then left again for good.

i danced for a bunch of other guys, i can't remember much about them. oh except for there was this one guy who won a bunch of money playing video poker. he bought the whole bar a drink, so of course, sensing money, i went and sat with him for a bit at the poker machine. he said, "pick a card." i did and it was a good one i guess because it won him $12, which he printed out and gave to me. then he said, "let's get a drink," so we went and sat at the bar. then he said, "you know, i'm a pervert."

i was like, "oh yeah? what kind of pervert?"

"i like feet."

"really? i just painted my toenails today. want to see if i did a good job? i can't take off my shoes out here, though, come back with me for a dance."

so we had a dance and he rubbed my feet a bit. then he wanted me to slap him in the face, something i don't enjoy doing to strangers. it's hard to get that feeling off your hand, you know? the feeling of someone's whiskers and delicate cheekbones and then if you accidentally hit their cartilagey lil nose? faces aren't that big, in relation to hands. it's hard to ONLY smack someone's cheek. i was like, "no thanks."

he was extraordinarily bummed, acted like i had pulled some switcheroo on him. like he's just supposed to be able to make all these requests for his $20. bitch, please.

and then i danced for a super tall guy who had been really sweet with me on stage all night. very smiley and tippy. he wanted some dances and while i was dancing for him he said, "i really like those hot shorts, they look like they came from bebe."

i said, "well, they didn't, but they DO kind of look like that, huh? i love that store."

"you do?"

"yeah. they make really cute clothes, and their sizes are perfect for petites." (which is totally true. i know it's really hard for fat people to buy clothes in stores, and i'm not saying that i don't have all this skinny privilege in the world. but really to buy clothes at the mall, they just do not fit without alteration if you are smaller than a size 2. FANCY designer clothes fit, but regular mall clothes do not. except for bebe. even forever 21 is stupid if you want anything tight.)

so then i kept dancing for him and when i had to get back on stage, he said, "i have something for you." and he gave me a $100 gift card for bebe!!! i didn't see that coming, i was thinking he was just asking me about it in order to concoct a fantasy in his mind where we fuck in the dressing room or something.

i said, "wow. you seriously just made my night! thanks."

LUCKY!

p.s. melissa etheridge did not, in fact, make an appearance.

saturday

i worked on saturday. i was a bit bedraggled, as i had gone on a camp out and had been around people a lot for a few days straight and then rushed home and had 20 minutes to shower, shave everything, and scramble to work. i felt super tired and grouchy for the first part of my shift, but then i started making money and that always cheers me right up.

i danced for a lot of different guys, but the only one who stands out in my memory was this young kid in an ill-fitting thriftstore business suit, white sneakers, and an oversized red corduroy chef hat. BIZARRE. he was quite taken with me. tipped me a couple $20's on stage, and then bought a bunch of dances. he smelled BAD and was just really really strange in general. he kept wanting to stand up and slow dance with me. i asked him if he was from portland. he said he was from salem. he was in town for a party later that night, to which he had been invited by mail. i couldn't get him to say what kind of party it was. i hope it was good since he rode the train up. i asked him random questions, but the only things i really found out about him is that he was still living at home with his mom and that his favorite band is evanescence. i wonder where he got all the money he was blowing on strippers. a job? SSI? who knows.

i was happy to get off work and then go work elsewhere, and then finally much later that night crawl into bed, pass out immediately, and sleep like a rock.

another night at the office.

work last night was good. i worked with two girls i like a lot. one is a super foxy ukrainian girl who looks like a barbie doll. she wears strange outfits with lots of accessories. like she'll wear a pair of hot pants with a belt and with a glittering thong sticking out of it. and also crotchless fishnets. and little ankle socks. and a mesh crop top with a bra underneath. AND a tie. and then several bracelets and blingy necklaces. on somebody else it would look like they went into the lingerie section of wet seal or charlotte russe and had one minute to just cram whatever they could find into a bag and then run straight to work and put it all on at once. but on her it works, somehow.

the other girl has super long black hair and tons of tattoos. she just got her wisdom teeth out and hasn't been able to eat for several days, which has given her the look of a leggy waif. she seemed pretty hungry and miserable, though, poor thing.

it was moderately busy all night. i forced myself to stay up on the floor and only took a couple short dressing room breaks. i sold a decent amount of dances. one of the guys i danced for was a chubby-cheeked salesman, probably about 48 or 50 years old. he started out acting totally normal, and then all of a sudden out of nowhere he started munching on my belly and going "nom nom nom!" i said, "whoa. hey. no nommin' on my belly please." then he said in a baby voice (that i'm hoping will fade from my memory very soon) "oh. hurmph. i tan't nom nom on yowl bewlly?" and then made a theatrical pouty face. it was fucking weird.

another guy was an elderly scottish man. his accent was like nothing i've ever heard. i liked it. but i didn't like him very much. he shamed me for having yet to leave this continent even one time. i said, "if you're the kind of people i'm gonna meet abroad, then i'll just stay right here in oregon, thank you." when he seemed offended, i added on a compulsory "just kidding."

i got a bit drunkie and now i don't so much remember who all i danced for. the men, they blend together sometimes.

a friend of mine was in town and she stopped by last night right before i got off. she had never been to a strip club before and got all dressed up in a wild get up that brought to mind jean smart's character in designing women. mixed with a little kate bush. and with pleather pants. mind you, it was a hundred degrees yesterday. HOT. and it was super hot in the club. so the pleather pants seemed an odd choice, but she's really young and is still willing to sacrifice certain comforts in the name of breathtaking avant garde fashion. i, on the other hand, would never wear plastic pants on the hottest night of the year, no matter how good they looked. shit, you can barely get me to wear any kind of pants when it's hot.

anyway she had a lot of fun on her first strip club foray. she wanted to buy a lapdance from me but i didn't feel like selling her one. so then i got off work and we went to the fry cart but they had just closed two minutes prior to our arrival. ho hum.

chasing money

sorry i haven't written in a while. i was feeling like this blog was sort of private and that hardly anybody read it which i still mostly think is the case, but i got an INTENSE text from somebody last week who i didn't think would ever end up reading this blog. but somehow she did. i don't even know how she found it. but anyway. i've been sort of reeling from that. and also i haven't been working very much.

today i was going to see a client but i was having a rather intense case of gas so i cancelled.

no exciting news to report. the only interesting thing that happened to me today was that i went to make a deposit at an ATM on a super busy street and the touch-screen was very scratched up and was taking a long time to work. like you'd punch "yes" ten times before it would register. anyway i put a check in the ATM and i had two $100 bills to deposit as well. i was waiting for the check to be accepted and then suddenly the bills blew out of my hand. i had a moment of trying to decide whether i could just leave my account open for anybody to drain really quickly while i chased the bills, or whether i should just forget about the bills and concentrate on getting my card out of the super slow ATM. i chased the bills, nabbing one of them right away. the other one blew a bit further. i looked over my shoulder real quick to shoo someone away from the ATM and during that split second, i lost track of the second bill. i looked all over the place for it. this fiasco occurred next to a sidewalk fruit stand. i looked under all the crates, just everywhere. and then finally i ducked into the trash area of the stand, kind of a tiny little alleyway. and after a bit of searching i found it floating in a puddle of moldy fruit slime! yes!!!