Wednesday, August 25, 2010

full moon

things got off to a slow start last night. there were, like, NO customers for the first hour. a girl i work with had come in for a glass of champagne before meeting up with her boyfriend, who works for melissa etheridge, who is in town. we said, "get him to bring her over!!!" then she left after a bit and since there weren't any customers we texted her a lot with our pleas. stranger things happen there all the time, so it wasn't a total stretch to think that melissa etheridge would be comin to my window at any moment over the course of the night. i found myself watching the door for her.

i worked with the foxy ukrainian girl again, and her outfits were even more fancy than ever. she's fun to work with. she's usually in a really good mood. the other girl i worked with was super cute but was in a weird mood where she seemed to feel that everyone had it out for her, cheap bastards. she collects her tips between each song and when there aren't enough of them she says, "thanks for TIPPING," in an pointed tone of indictment. but the weird thing is that she says it in the exact same tone of voice even when people actually ARE tipping. it's confusing.

around 10:30 things started to pick up. i met a guy with super cute chubby cheeks. he was with an insanely drunk bald guy who was acting crazy. the chubby cheek one kept threatening to call a cab for the bald one if he didn't settle down. then the bald one would go, "i'll call your MOM a cab," and then he'd die laughing while the chubby one looked on in disgust.

i got cheeks to buy a few dances and he was fun to dance for because he was clearly having a good time. i told him he was a cute snuggle bear. he said he was really sick of hearing that. i bet chubby guys get that all the time. the look on his face reminded me of when i used to tell my baby brother how cute he was and he'd say, "i'm not CUTE ANYMORE! i'm COOOOOL!" such an adorable exasperated look, which really only made him look cuter.

for the hour of 11 to 12, there was a tough looking dude sitting at the tip rail BARELY TIPPING, and yet with thuggy body language taking up THREE SEATS. this isn't the junior high lunchroom, and this isn't your table. go work out your shit elsewhere.

eventually cheeks and his drunk friend wedged in on either side of that dude. he wasn't pleased and told them to "move along." they laughed at him and he finally went away.

cheeks' drunk friend got way too drunker and he randomly got up from his chair and just stood there at the rack staring off into space. i go, "are you okay?" he didn't respond. then cheeks goes, "ooohkay, we're leaving now," and then the drunk guy goes, "shut up fatty! you're such a retard!" then he tried to sit back down but tripped over his chair and dropped his entire wad of cash on my stage. lots of it dropped on the floor, too, and in an effort to make it look like he'd done all of this on purpose, he bent over and scooped all the fallen money up and threw it onstage too. STOKED. it was probably only about $50, but rad nonetheless. then they left but came back later for a bit, got in a fight, and then left again for good.

i danced for a bunch of other guys, i can't remember much about them. oh except for there was this one guy who won a bunch of money playing video poker. he bought the whole bar a drink, so of course, sensing money, i went and sat with him for a bit at the poker machine. he said, "pick a card." i did and it was a good one i guess because it won him $12, which he printed out and gave to me. then he said, "let's get a drink," so we went and sat at the bar. then he said, "you know, i'm a pervert."

i was like, "oh yeah? what kind of pervert?"

"i like feet."

"really? i just painted my toenails today. want to see if i did a good job? i can't take off my shoes out here, though, come back with me for a dance."

so we had a dance and he rubbed my feet a bit. then he wanted me to slap him in the face, something i don't enjoy doing to strangers. it's hard to get that feeling off your hand, you know? the feeling of someone's whiskers and delicate cheekbones and then if you accidentally hit their cartilagey lil nose? faces aren't that big, in relation to hands. it's hard to ONLY smack someone's cheek. i was like, "no thanks."

he was extraordinarily bummed, acted like i had pulled some switcheroo on him. like he's just supposed to be able to make all these requests for his $20. bitch, please.

and then i danced for a super tall guy who had been really sweet with me on stage all night. very smiley and tippy. he wanted some dances and while i was dancing for him he said, "i really like those hot shorts, they look like they came from bebe."

i said, "well, they didn't, but they DO kind of look like that, huh? i love that store."

"you do?"

"yeah. they make really cute clothes, and their sizes are perfect for petites." (which is totally true. i know it's really hard for fat people to buy clothes in stores, and i'm not saying that i don't have all this skinny privilege in the world. but really to buy clothes at the mall, they just do not fit without alteration if you are smaller than a size 2. FANCY designer clothes fit, but regular mall clothes do not. except for bebe. even forever 21 is stupid if you want anything tight.)

so then i kept dancing for him and when i had to get back on stage, he said, "i have something for you." and he gave me a $100 gift card for bebe!!! i didn't see that coming, i was thinking he was just asking me about it in order to concoct a fantasy in his mind where we fuck in the dressing room or something.

i said, "wow. you seriously just made my night! thanks."


p.s. melissa etheridge did not, in fact, make an appearance.


  1. i love you I love you i love you i love you i love you I love you. ps sometimes bebe is so fond of the lycra that even 16+ can fit in there. looooooove that.