Friday, November 27, 2009

with grannies like this, who needs enemies?

yesterday i went to thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house. i have a really big family, there were 28 people there and there would have been more but my mom was out of town and also one of my brothers and his wife and kids were sick.

it was a nice day. except that at the end my grandma totally started picking on me! it was bizarre. i was dressed kind of conservatively, for me: fitted flannel top (the kind for ladies, not a mens shirt), dark denim skirt, black tights and black high-heeled lace-up ankle booties. i barely even had any accessories or makeup on. just a little eye makeup and earrings.

when i first arrived at my aunt's, i was giving people hugs and saying hi to everyone and my grandma goes, "don't bend over!" i mean, my skirt was pretty short. but i always wear skirts that short and i've gotten quite good at not flashing people. plus, the skirt was super tight so it was staying in place just fine. i let that comment go as if it was a joke. even though i know my grandma has this way of saying mean things that she 100% means, but shrouding them in flimsy joke costumes. so what she was saying was, "your skirt's too short for thanksgiving." but whatever. moving on.

i love thanksgiving. i made a pumpkin pie and used coconut milk instead of evaporated milk. it was delicious! some people in my family tried polite bites, but pronounced it "not sweet enough." i hadn't put any sugar in it, just a bit of maple syrup, but i thought it was plenty sweet and super tasty. i wish it wasn't tacky to bring home the rest of your pie after going to someone's house for dinner. i mean, nobody will eat that pie. it's all natural and didn't come from safeway: how gross!

i didn't talk to my grandma much at thanksgiving, not because i don't like her but because there were so many other people there who are sweet to me, that i ran out of time for bullshit. it's guaranteed that given the chance, she'll start out normal, and then somehow work in complaints about how skinny i am when the rest of the family is fat. like i won some dirty lottery or something. it's actually just that the women on my father's side are like tiny little bird women and my sister and i happen to take after them. and also i don't eat like the people in my family. and i work out A LOT. the way she brings it up all the time is embarassing, and it's hard to enjoy my food when she's scrutinizing my plate and telling everyone i'm not eating enough. she says things in a way that makes it seem like i'm smugly looking down on my whole big chubby family. it's just not true, and it makes me mad and hurts my feelings.

well then later after all the food and dessert and more food, i was getting ready to leave and i put on my sweater poncho thing, it's really cute. my cousin was freaking out about how cute it was, and my grandma goes, "oh so i suppose THAT'S what you're going to wear tonight, to your gig. just that and nothing else." (i had a gig of sorts in town, don't want to mention what it was since i'm private here.)

i said, "what? no. i'm going to keep my clothes on."

and she kept joking about it for SUCH a long time. it was really really weird. she just WOULD NOT LET IT GO. she kept referencing different outfits i'm wearing in my facebook pictures, like i am just some big skanky ho. "and that yellow dress, i mean can you even call that a DRESS? haha" i tried to laugh along a bit, thinking she'd cut it out so i could give her a hug before leaving. but i ended up just ignoring her and saying goodbye to everyone. even as i was leaving she was just laughing up a storm. it was fucking bizarre. it kind of made me wonder whether my mom had told her something about my job. (my mom knows what i do, which might sound weird but isn't.) or maybe she's just getting weirder and weirder the older she gets. she's certainly not old enough to excuse such crazy behavior: she's only 73!

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