Friday, December 4, 2009


yesterday i woke up on sky's floor with grouchy tailbone pain. i had been sleeping in her twin bed with her, but she started snoring in the middle of the night so i moved to the little pallet bed she'd created for me on the floor. i love sleeping on floors, my back usually feels great when i get up. but this bruised tailbone is still giving me trouble. so i was a teensy bit grouchy when i got up.

i had an 11:30 appointment. it was with a guy who looked just like that guy "ben" on LOST. kinda weasel-ish with glasses and slightly sloping shoulders. he complained incessantly about his wife's lack of interest in sex. boring. annoying. i hate when guys complain about their wives. he sounded like he kind of couldn't stand her. when, at long last, he came, he made such gross grunty pooping sounds that i could TOTALLY see why his wife wouldn't want to have sex with him. plus, there's nothing sexy about someone nagging you for sex.

my next client sounded really nice on the phone and even though i've been really good about checking references, i didn't bother to get one from him. i kind of forgot till i got off the phone and then he was coming in 20 minutes and i didn't want to call him back and deal with it. so, irresponsibly, i didn't get any kind of reference on him. and when he showed up he had this intensely clean-cut look about him that made me wonder whether he was a cop. he was super well-dressed. perfect hair, gleamingly white teeth. i told myself to relax, that i was just being paranoid. he undressed and i put him in the shower. he hadn't placed the money on the little table so when he got out of the shower i asked that he take care of the business before the pleasure. he said, "what do you mean?"

i said, "well, you know how there's business, and then there's pleasure?"

he goes, "oh. you mean the MONEY?"

i said, "yes, the donation."

he said, "oh. of course. the money! how much is it, again? i think your ad said 150?"

the way he said it was in this intensely clear voice. it made me super nervous. i said, "the way you're talking about money and being so explicitly clear is making me very nervous. do i need to be nervous?"

he said, "no! no way. i'm sorry!"

he placed the money on the table. i took it out of the room. you're not supposed to give a massage with the money in the room.

i decided that i'd just give him a regular massage and not the erotic portion unless he stopped freaking me out. at least then if he was a cop i could only get charged with massage without a license. he relaxed considerably throughout the massage and was churning around on the table all sexy so i gave him his "release," and then put him back in the shower.

when he got out of the shower, all of a sudden this super loud alarm went off. not like a smoke alarm, more like an ALARM alarm. i looked at him, expecting him to be breaking out some handcuffs or flashing a badge. he looked as surprised as i was to hear such a loud alarm. i went out into the hallway, and saw that the alarm was coming from the intercom speaker in the ceiling. my co-worker was in the middle of a massage and she popped out into the hallway too. we were both panicked to the extreme, we didn't know what to do or what the alarm was. we stood there for a minute, frozen. then we both went back into our rooms. my client was busting ass to get dressed in a rush, pulling on a sock and trying to buckle his belt at the same time. i saw him out and then the alarm stopped. i was shaking, i was so nervous i could barely stand up. i put some clothes on quick, cleaned up the room, and went out for some air.

destinationless, i walked to walgreens. i bought some eye make up remover. some sparkling water. i walked back up the hill and stood in front of the apartment building. i still had over an hour before my next appointment and i wasn't ready to go back inside, so i ducked in to the deli downstairs. i was still feeling super shaky and i realized that in addition to being in the throes of panic, i was also suffering from low blood-sugar. i knew i should eat but everything sounded gross. i ordered an egg sandwich. i've tried this before but the guy usually tells me it's too late. i must've looked desperate because he made it for me even though it was the middle of the afternoon.

as i sat at the grubby lunch counter eating my scrambled egg sandwich, i got two calls. the first was a low, breathy-voiced man who said, "hi mandy, i'm rod. i'm tall. blonde hair. blue eyes. from your ad i see that you're just the girl i'm looking for. tiny. brunette. i'd like to pleasure you. are you into that?" i wanted to say, "ew gross, i HATE pleasure!" but it's best to be neutral with these weirdos so they give up on you right away instead of calling over and over for attention, so i just said, "no thank you."

no sooner had i hung up with that guy and taken one bite of my eggs, than another guy called. this one talked really fast and wanted to know if i could see him right away for a half-hour session, for which he was willing to pay $80. what a cheapskate. i told him that i don't do half-hour sessions, particularly not for $80.

so then i munched the rest of my eggs and went back upstairs to the apartment. i still had 45 minutes before my 4:30 appointment and i was feeling drowsy as hell so i laid down on the couch. as soon as i closed my eyes, here comes my co-worker with the steam cleaner. she gets a discount on her house fees for doing a bit of cleaning. anyway: it was SO LOUD. i felt like, "really? you have to steam clean the carpet right this minute while i'm trying to have a cat-nap?" so annoying!

my 4:30 was a guy i've seen before. a tall dutch man. i like his accent. he's a favorite of mine. the last time i saw him we were talking a lot and it was fine but kind of exhausting. i said, "the next time i see you, we're not going to talk. we're just going to enjoy each other's company." so this was our "silent session." it was SO much better. he seemed to like it too.

and then i hung around for a bit. worked out half-heartedly in the little gym. and went to meet up with sky for dinner. we had burmese food. it was delicious. not mind-blowingly tasty, but it was at least a change of pace from our usual 3 or 4 spots.

nice and stuffed, we walked downtown to see the movie "precious." it was good. i thought the acting was great. i wished there were more fantasty/dream sequences, though. sky has been needing a good cry but the floodgates are rusted shut. she thought "precious" might do the trick, but no dice. maybe i'll just have to chop some onions while telling him a sad story.

(and now for an extremely random side-note: i had this super bitchy drama teacher when i was in high school, and of course even though i hated her i was also obsessed with her. she was really kind of pathetic, unmarried and way too involved in petty high school politics. well once in class she was trying to teach us to be able to cry on stage. she said, "you have to think of the saddest thing ever. you have to have that thing ready so all you have to do is start to think of it and you'll cry." someone asked her what HER thing was that she thought about. everyone thought she was going to say being stood up at the altar, being single and friendless in our crappy hick-town, something like that. but she said, "we had this little runt piglet on the farm when i was a kid. and i just loved that little guy. one day i found him dead, though, he got trampled on by another pig." and we were all like, "that's IT?" it was such an epic anticlimax.)


  1. If I keep reading, will I discover the nature of the alarm?

  2. oh! i totally forgot to mention it in the post. it was just a fire alarm from somebody smoking in the hallway of the building.

  3. i LOVE your blog..i can't stop reading it!!..but i am kind of confused about sky..boy or girl?..example:"SHE thought "precious" might do the trick, but no dice. maybe i'll just have to chop some onions while telling HIM a sad story." i promise I'm not being a bitch..i just started reading your blog and am just curious..

    1. sky is genderqueer. xo
      p.s. thanks for liking my blog!