Friday, March 11, 2011

wiggy hair, yummy tits, grody geezer

sometimes i'll straighten my hair with super thorough tiny strand by tiny strand precision and give it a little height in the roots with a thickening spray before blowdrying, then put a gloss on it and trim the bangs so they're way very straight and just the tiniest bit too short. the effect is a wiggy one. (i've actually always thought if people think your real hair is a wig, then you're doing something right.)

last night three different customers made wig comments to me. one was a guy i was sitting with at the bar, he said, "yeah. that's a good idea, to wear a wig to work. then crazy guys can't recognize you out in the world." and then another guy said, "your wig's so cute. makes you look like katy perry." and, my favorite: "what's your REAL hair look like?" (this one was said in the same tone as the classic, "yeah, but what's your REAL name [as opposed to your stripper name]?" but this wasn't annoying at all because instead of saying something like, "well, andi is my REAL STRIPPER name," i just got to yank on my hair satisfyingly, showing that this glossy mane is not only 100% human hair, but it's 100% human hair that has grown out of my very own human head.

lately i've had intense PMS, accompanied by grouchiness, feelings of social isolation, lack of interest in fun things, and general annoyance at the world. but one thing that always cheers me up is to make my hair look fucking perfect. so. now you know.

last night was an okay night. i worked with this girl i adore (who is the person who cuts my hair, actually, and is also the one who taught me the trick of a bit of spray to the roots). i really enjoy watching her dance. she has huge tits and when she's bored she'll do things like taking one in her hand, licking it, and then saying in a perfect deadpan, "yummy." or if it's someone's birthday she'll do this, look at them with the world's boredest expression, and say, "yummy. tastes like birthday cake." i've seen her do this many, many times but it never gets old. maybe it's a slight crush that keeps her jokes freshly hilarious to me.

last night during an extremely boring stretch of hours, she stopped dancing in the middle of her set and asked the crowd, "does anybody have a dull knife?" ...crickets.

sometimes i make my money from the most surprising of sources. last night it was a kid celebrating his 21st birthday. he was so cute! i liked him a lot. i said, "we should do a birthday shot, what should we have?" and he said, "uh, um, uh, i don't know, i'm NEW to this, remember?" cute. we had tequila. then he wanted a lot of dances and mostly just wanted me to sit on his lap and chat with him about his job at netflix.

only one gross thing happened last night but it was a dooooozy. this guy bought a dance for his old dad who was about 75, and near the end i had my back to him and he coughed suddenly and expelled a tiny wad of phlegm onto my back. i screamed, i couldn't help myself. i didn't want to embarass him, but sometimes you can't help screaming in horrified shock when gross shit like that happens. i almost started crying, but instead i sensibly scrambled out of there before the song was even over and went and washed my back with antibacterial soap and slathered hand sanitizer on it, which somehow made me feel better. fucking gross, though! it was yellow!

two days off now. stoked! xo andi.

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