Tuesday, October 6, 2009

they say i'm a sweaty beast.

yesterday i worked. my first client was this guy named greg. he was a young rich guy, i didn't like him at all. he was conventionally attractive and knew it in that arrogant sort of way. he came in, stripped off his diesel jeans, and wanted to hop right up on the table, even though he had just come from getting his hair cut. i suggested a shower. he was like, "i'm really clean." i told him the massage would be a lot more fun if i didn't get a lot of little hair bits on me. he reluctantly rinsed off.

when he laid down on the table, he didn't want to put his face in the cradle. instead he stared at me lasciviously the whole time in the mirror, like a wolf who wanted to eat me for a snack. like a candy bar he had bought and was just about to unwrap and bite into. i did not like this guy! but even though he was entitled and handsy and particular, the thing i DID like about him was that he didn't really want a massage. he just wanted to be touched for a minute and then jerked off. he was in and out in 25 minutes, something that never ever happens. usually when someone comes too fast they are bummed so i take care not to get guys off too quickly. this guy had places to be and $180 wasn't anything to him. so it was quick and then i got rid of him.

the next guy was someone i've written about before, who i saved in my phone as NO MICKEY NO! but the problem is that i saved his work number, not his real number. oops. so when i got his call yesterday it didn't come up as no mickey no. and i thought he was saying his name was NICKY. when i answered the door, i thought NO! MICKEY! NO!!! but what could i do?

he showered and i gave him a washcloth, hoping he'd scrub the hell out of his excessive body hair and stinky bum. miracle of miracles: when he laid down on the table, he didn't stink up the whole room. in fact, he barely smelled bad at all. and his backne had cleared up considerably. he was hardly gross at all. i think when i saved him before it was when i was still pretty new in this business and didn't yet realize that A LOT of guys are just as yucky as or even yuckier than no mickey no.

the session went fine. mickey talked a lot, like: nonstop. his voice is a hilarious stereotypical "nerd" voice. kind of stuffed up with excessive pronunciation. it often sounds like he ate a thesaurus for lunch. he uses the most random and archaic words sometimes, like someone who reads more than they converse. he's also very fond of the word "actually." i like this guy. his grooming isn't great but he's really nice. and so super-weird that it's fun to talk to him.

then i sat around with my co-worker for a while. she made me a cocktail. that was nice. a mid-day ketel and cranberry.

during that down-time, i checked my email. this is what was waiting for me:

hi andi! i saw you quite a while ago and you were nice, but seemed a little uptight. your armpits just started sweating and the entire session was not worth 180. are you able to give me a discount and make it up to me?
thanks and talk soon. tony

...dude. are you kidding me? i wanted to tell him to FUCK RIGHT OFF. but it's kind of best not to go around pissing people off. i don't want him to get crazy on me, and i don't want a lot of calls/emails from him. so i just said:

Hi tony. No, I don't feel I have anything to make up to you. I'm a tiny person, I give a strenuous massage so of course I'm going to sweat. I hope you find what you're looking for, but I'm clearly not the right provider for you.
Best, andi

oh, brother.

then i saw this yoga/rock-climbing guy who i see every now and then. he's nice, doesn't talk much but seems to enjoy himself.

and then i was done working and i met up with sky for a sushi feast. it was YUMMY.

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