Tuesday, August 11, 2009

the lost blog entries #2

4. FRIDAY, JUNE 5, 2009 "return of the panty sniffer."

well, i've worked a bunch since i last wrote. i've had some interesting clients. one of them was a veterinarian who was very polite and even gave me a tip, but whohad a giant amount of foreskin, and when i pulled it back his dick was weird and slimy. i had to suppress a gag the whole time. i put him in my phone as "yuck," so i will know not to answer if he calls again. anyway, it was my birthday last week and i went out to brunch with a friend. we went to a crowded restaurant two blocks from my house and the vet was there, sitting at the table next the only open table. i don't think he saw me. i turned around quickly and said quietly to my friend, "turn around. we're not eating here." my friend didn't make a scene, luckily, and when we got outside he said, "oh, did you see someone you know from work?" i like being friends with perceptive people.

i want you to know that it's not that i dislike this veterinarian or anything. i just didn't want to eat my birthday brunch next to him. and i don't want to see or think about his slimy dick ever again.

another guy i saw was this teeny tiny man with a giant scar on his back and NO NECK. super weird-looking, poor thing. he was sweet, though, and nicely dressed.

and last night i saw a white guy, from SF, who now lives in japan but was here on business. the thing about him, though, is that he's totally adopted japanese mannerisms. like i asked him a question and instead of saying "yes," he said, "hi."

OH! and i saw a guy who i sold panties to once on craigslist!!! i couldn't believe it--it was absolutely 100% the same guy. i wrote about him in my blog a long time ago. i'm going to paste that story in here:

Monday, October 06, 2008

panty sniffer.
last night i was feeling terribly broke. i turned on my computer and was surprised and delighted to be able to hop onto my neighbor's wifi. i looked at craigslist. the "etc" jobs. nothing good. i looked at erotic services and saw that a man was looking for panties. $40 per pair. i emailed the guy and instead of giving me a lot of email runaround, he said we should meet right away. he said how about 3:30 tomorrow at xxx coffee shop on xxx and xxx? he said can you please put on the panties now and don't take them off till you come to meet me? he said if you have a minute could you try to masturbate in the panties between now and then and get them good and "crunchy?"

so i went to peet's to meet him today. when i walked in the coffeeshop, there were a LOT of men drinking coffee and i realized we should perhaps have decided upon a certain code-word or visual signifier. i felt overwhelmed for a minute, but then i looked around more carefully at the coffee-drinkers. many seemed to be with co-workers on a break from the office, or else they didn't fit the description the guy gave: "white, regular looking guy." hmm... and then i spotted a guy waiting for the bathroom who TOTALLY looked like a panty sniffer. he was all skinny and geeky and shifty looking. he had a creepy vibe, speedy, and he was wearing scratched-up shades. inside. i tried to make eye contact with him but he was too shifty. the more i looked at him jumping out of his skin in the line for the bathroom, the more i decided that he was not a panty sniffer. he seemed more like a drug fiend waiting to shoot up in the bathroom.

i sat down at a table near the door. i waited maybe three or four minutes and then here comes this UBER normal looking guy wearing a plain black t-shirt and grey cargo shorts. he looked like he just left the gym. he got in line for coffee and i as soon as i looked at him and thought, "that's him," he turned around and gestured suddenly to me. it was a funny little gesture. a series of gestures, actually: he used his index fingers to sort of trace the outline of a pair of panties. this was followed by a thumbs-up, and then a dramatic, quizzical raise of the eyebrows as he jerked his head in my direction. it was charades, yet somehow also very subtle. i nodded and he came over and sat at my table, grinning broadly.

"wow, you're really hot. i didn't know what you would look like, but this is good. this is good," he said as he passed me the magazine he was holding, a newsweek with a little paper bag tucked in the cover. "take your time," he urged. i took the bag to the bathroom. inside: a ziplock baggie and $40. i wrangled myself out of my boots and jeans and took off my undies. i know i could have just brought a pair of panties in my purse, but i wouldn't have felt right about it. i mean, the guy was paying me for dirty, recently-worn undies. i didn't see any reason i shouldn't just give him what he was paying for. when i got my panties off, though, i sniffed them and realized they smelled pretty clean. they definitely smelled like they had been worn, but they were nothing special. i haven't particularly felt like jerking off lately and i just took a shower last night. excuses, excuses. anyway, i peed and then wiped with them, thoroughly, which didn't get them
smelling exactly post-coital, but was better than nothing.

i went back to the table and asked the guy to come outside with me. there were a few cops eating their muffins and drinking their mochas and i didn't want them to see us conducting a transaction. it would seem like drugs, and then would turn out only to be panties. i just didn't want the possible hassle. also, i didn't want to sit down at the table with him because who knows how long he might have trapped me in conversation? $40 is great for a pair of panties. but not for a pair of panties AND a lengthy conversation with someone who is about to go home and wear your panties as a ski-mask while he jerks off.

i gave him the bag. "here you go," i said. he smiled conspiratorily, "i can't wait to get these home," he said. i noticed that the skin on his face was strange. it didn't look like it had always been face-skin, and there were three long seams in it. i wondered what had happened to him. he really seemed nice and i hoped he hadn't been attacked by a dog. but i mean, really, could any accident that required skin grafting be that much better? i realized that i was totally staring at him. i snapped out of it. he didn't seem to have noticed. "okay," i said, smiling. "hope you like them. bye now!"

and that was it. quite possibly the easiest $40 i have ever made. let's hope he turns out to be a repeat customer.

5. TUESDAY, JUNE 30, 2009 "head bitches in charge."

hi there. so. i was going to write in this blog all the time, but i kept forgetting the password for it, but i remember it now. so here goes.

i've been working a lot over the last month or so. i really like all the girls at the house, but the two boss ladies are So Annoying.

let's start with "gigi." okay, first of all gigi is one of the very most negative people i've ever met. EVER EVER EVER. she has some health problems that contribute to her general mood, but i think even if she was healthy she might be a dark cloud. she doesn't come in very often but when she does, it's EXHAUSTING. she starts complaining about everything the moment she walks in the door and doesn't stop till she leaves. everything everybody does sets her off. the other day it was that i was wearing garnier fructisse hair mousse. apparently it's a product to which she is allergic and i should have known this because it COULD KILL HER.

in addition to being chemically sensitive and a giant debbie downer, she's also really really bossy. if you have a slow day, she'll start harping on you incessantly about how you need new pictures. or she'll make you post a personals ad and then look over your shoulder the whole time, telling you how to do it and what to say. she'll literally say things like, "oh don't forget to press the space bar after that sentence," or, "if you want to capitalize something, press the shift bar and the letter you want at the same time." basically she thinks everyone is totally retarded so she has to tell you, in painstaking detail, how to do even the very most basic things. i can't stand her and neither can any of the girls, but instead of quitting in a huff every day, we've all just become adept at providing her with a list of stock placating phrases like, "oh, okay. i'll do it that way," and "oops, i didn't realize. it won't happen again." or the ever-popular,
"good idea. i'll try that."

the good thing about gigi is that she doesn't come to the house very often. she does, however, call to bitch A LOT. usually whenever the house phone rings, everyone races to answer it because even though you describe all the girls to potential clients, they usually just ends up choosing whoever answered the phone. whenever gigi's name comes up on the caller ID, though, we all dance around the phone yelling at each other to answer it. whoever ends up taking one for the team always takes a deep breath before saying, "hello."

the other boss, jane, is around more often. she's annoying, as well. unlike gigi, though, she isn't super negative. she's a lot more easy-going, but is an energy vampire nonetheless. she talks A LOT and your level of interest in her monologue is of no consequence to her. it's really really annoying. i don't care about her sexual proclivities or her "lovers" or what she fucking did over the weekend. in fact, when i'm in-between clients, i just want to lay on the lumpy couch and read my bette davis biography. or check my email. or close my eyes and have thoughts in my head. sadly, she makes all of these things impossible with her boring invasive prattle.

like gigi, jane is a micro-manager to the extreme and it can get pretty rude. like once lily and i went to lunch and when we came back lily sat down to eat the other half of her sandwich, which had some onions on it. jane said, "i see your sandwich has onions. i'd like you to brush your teeth when you're done because onions make for extremely unpleasant breath." i thought lily was going to say, "NO FUCKING SHIT LADY," but instead she said, "okay. i always brush my teeth after lunch. but thanks for the reminder." best to be polite in the face of savagery, i suppose.

i really hate being bossed around. in fact, it makes me totally crazy. and it makes me do little things that remind me that actually I'M the one in charge of myself. so, like, if jane writes something in my ad and then says, "you can look over this for spelling errors, but don't change the wording," i'll fix the spelling (which is invariably atrocious), but then i'll also re-arrange practically every sentence. if she's typed, "your pleasure is my delight," i'll change it to, "your delight is my pleasure." this is ultimately more work for me, changing everything around, but i don't mind. i do this kind of shit all the time with her, but i can't think of any more examples right now. except for the best one which is that jane and gigi both have a super huge (and necessary, given their multiple busts) sense of paranoia so they do all these things a very certain way and have a whole slew of safety rituals. i get it, and i totally stick to most of them because
i don't want to get arrested any more than anyone else does. but there are a few that aren't even useful at all. anyway, when i was putting jane's number in my phone she had been bossing me SO BAD all day and i was just hating her so much that day. and she goes, "don't put my number in your phone under 'jane,' put it as something like, 'dave's cleaning.'" as if i'm going to have the number for a dry cleaner in my phone. anyway, i stored her number as "jane's cleaning." and for some reason that subtle defiance makes me laugh a little bit every time she calls.

okay enough about them. i'll write more later.

p.s. today i saw the cutest little punk boy. he was probably 27 or 28. he was the first person who's ever paid with ones. he had really great tattoos. i won't describe them because they were really unique and even though nobody reads this blog, it's best to keep these things private. but i'll just say they were GREAT TATTOOS. and fun to look at while i was massaging him.

also i saw a GIANT older guy, he was 6'3'', but seemed bigger. and then a tiny asian man with SO MUCH straight black pubic hair. it was extreme! sooooo much hair. somehow it wasn't gross, though.

more another day. xo andi.

6. THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2009. "crazy pimp."

so. yesterday i went to work and my back and shoulders were KILLING me. like: bad. anyway, i was working with this girl, julie, who is a CMT. she gave me a massage once a few weeks ago and it was AMAZING. so when i saw that she was working i got excited because i needed a massage SO BADLY. she charges a dollar a minute for friends and co-workers, which i actually think is quite a deal.

the schedule was pretty booked yesterday so we only had time for a half-hour massage. i got so excited about it. and then gigi called to say that she was on her way over with some new towels and since she was on crutches she needed us to come out to her car and get them. so we waited. and every minute that ticked by was a minute off of my massage. she finally got there and we unloaded all the stuff and then she started to freak out about something, i don't even know what. and there was a parking space right in front so she came in.


anyway, julie and i still had time for a 20 minute massage, so we went into room 1 and she started to work her magic. we were in there for about 30 seconds before we heard gigi's annoying holler: "julieeee! juuuuuuuuuulie!" so julie went out to see what the deal was, and then she came back. i said, "what's going on?" she said her client was half an hour early.

i sighed and began to get up from the table. "oh, bummer."

julie was like, "oh no, it's okay. lay back down. i told him to come back."

well. apparently this pissed gigi off To The Extreme because when we were done with the massage, the Shit Hit the MotherFucking Fan. "don't you EVER turn a client away," she yelled. "i'm so mad i can't even THINK straight! i can't even BELIEVE this!"

it was terrible. i offered: "well, you wouldn't show up for a dentist appointment half an hour early and demand to be seen, would you?"

gigi HATED this. she said, "we're not exactly a DENTIST'S office, now are we?"

julie said, "well, no, but our time should still be respected. i shouldn't have to drop everything just because someone wants to show up early."

it went on and on and eventually ended in us placating gigi and telling her it wouldn't ever happen again, blah blah blah. so boring. gigi's such a crazy pimp. i hate the way she talks to all of us girls. it's so gross.