Thursday, March 25, 2010


in the spirit of this blog just totally jumping the shark lately, here's another non-sex-work related work story. it's an excerpt from a longer story, but you don't need to know a lot about the backstory, just that my family had just moved to a little town up north. we were religious, and so we were just starting out at a new church. also, i was a lesbian but didn't know it, know it. i mean, i knew, but i didn't know.

"...the church we picked had a youth group that met on wednesday nights in a little room to the right of the sanctuary. the room was almost entirely pea green. pea green walls, pea green carpet, pea green chairs. even the youth, in the dim florescent lighting, looked pea green.

it was in this green room that i first laid eyes upon my first love, kristen k----, when she burst in halfway through the opening prayer in her pea green and orange mcdonald's uniform. my head had been bowed in prayer, but, smelling food, i looked up and saw her. i was at once mesmerized and couldn't take my eyes off her for several years. i still run into her occasionally, and find it impossible not to stare.

kristen's striped uniform shirt was tight across her flat chest. her pants were snug as well, clinging to her ample booty. her hair was bobbed and permed, and she had ratted her bangs into a little peacock plume. she wore a thick layer of makeup that was a bit too light for her complexion and stopped abruptly at her strong jawline. through the makeup i could see that she had lots of pockmarks and acne. also she had a slight underbite. somehow all these things that could be seen as unattractive combined to form a total package of overwhelming hotness.

she had a bag of mcdonald's food with her and tore into it the moment the prayer was finished, inhaling her big mac in four bites and munching her fries five or six at a time, all the while making yummy wet chewing noises that surprised me by giving me butterflies in my stomach.

the youth group were taking turns sharing sroties of their first week at school. who they wanted to witness to, which other christians were in their classes. when the "talking cross" reached kristen, her voice was husky. "yeah, school's going okay so far," she said through a mouthful of fries. "i get out early to go to work, though, so that's good."

"anything else?" the youth pastor, mike, asked.

"i have a new boyfriend," she said, causing my butterflies to stop fluttering and sink stolidly to the bottom of my gut. "he's not a christian yet but i'm working on him. maybe i'll bring him next week."

then it was time for singing. i didn't know any of the songs yet so i just listened. kristen's strong, thick alto rang out above everyone else's. she had such a gorgeous voice. when i got to know her better she told me about the time she'd tried out for star search and thought she had it in the bag because she was the best singer there. but they told her she didn't have the right look. by which they meant they didn't want to put a mannish gap-toothed girl like her on tv. the thought that anyone could see her as less than strikingly, amazingly, painfully beautiful was beyond me.

it took almost a year for me to start talking to kristen, and by that time i was already so infatuated with her that i came on way too strong. we hung out a few times, and she seemed flattered by my attention. there were always these strange moments, though, like something was happening that we weren't talking about. she used to look into my eyes in the strangest way like she loved me and hated me at the same time. anyway, the day before my 16th birthday, she said i should try and get a job working with her at mcdonald's.

so the next day, being legally eligible to apply for a job, i did just that. i went and talked to the manager, jim dummer, who looked like an overgrown dj conner. you know how in the last few seasons of roseanne, dj still looks exactly the same as he did when the show started, only now he's big? well this guy looked like an overgrown version of THAT. like the biggest adult baby dj conner you could imagine. he was nice, though, and gave me a job on the spot. when i asked whether he could put me on the same shift as kristen, he said, "oh she quit yesterday. that's why we were able to hire you so quick."

i was baffled. i went home and called kristen but she wasn't home. i called a few more times and she didn't call me back. i guessed she'd gotten sick of me. that was fast. i kept calling and eventually i got her on the phone. she said she was just too busy with her boyfriend and getting ready for graduation to deal with a new friend.

heartbroken, i threw myself into my work, earning "employee of the month" my very first month there. the job was easy and i was frighteningly good at it, but the place felt sad to me.

i'd stand behind the counter, taking an order, and think of kristen behind this very counter, punching these same register keys with her big man-hands. i'd take my half-price cheeseburger into the breakroom and think of her inhaling a big mac at this very same table. i couldn't look down at my grease-splattered fake doc martens, without imagine her real ones gracing these same red tiles. i'd often stare off into space and wonder what it would be like if she were here working with me. i longed for the camaraderie we'd have experienced as co-workers. she'd stopped coming to youth group and i needed another chance to make her want to be my friend.

i used to look through the burger chutes into the kitchen and imagine the joy i'd feel upon seeing her face looking back at me. instead, it was my "boyfriend," myron, who returned my gaze with a lascivious grin as he stood flipping burgers. he'd flip one high in the air to impress me, but instead of landing back onto his spatula, it would usually splat on the rubber floor mat. smooth."

maybe this isn't much of a story without the rest of the story. haha, you'll have to buy the book, i guess. if i ever finish writing it, that is.


  1. i love this story. i'm glad you wrote it and more people should have commented and told you that it's amazing. because it is.

    i look forward to the book.

  2. hey thanks, i'm glad you liked it! xo andi

    1. I love this story. It's funny but sad at the same time. By the way, love your blog. I can't stop reading it! It actually inspired me to start my own blog.